October

During lockdown my employer gave every staff member Friday off, which meant I only worked 80% of my normal week i.e. Monday to Thursday instead of Monday to Friday.

I found working from home is less productive. I estimate I lose 20% of my time because I can not do tasks as quickly as when I was in the office. Which meant I only worked 60% of the week.

I had on average two days worth of video calls/meetings a week. I can’t get on with work whilst doing them. I lose another 40% of the week. Which means I only worked 20% of the week.

I need to keep my facebook/twitter/instagram up to date, I need to check the BBC/The Guardian for news, and I need to stare out of my window to watch the world go by. Which takes 20% of my time. Which means I only work 0% of the week.

Where do I apply for my Employee of The Year prize ?

The Met office announced the storm names for next year. Fame at last – I’m going to be a storm. I was once a hurricane. Wikipedia says Hurricane Iain had a promising start but didn’t amount to anything! Which is also what my school report said.

During a work call I met a man whose job title is “Customer Success Manager” That is a great title. He must be confident in his ability. It inspired me to change my job title. I’m now Corporate “Please God don’t let any system break today” Manager.

The highlight of October was when a Tesco delivery driver said to me “We’ve made a change to your order”

The short gap between him saying it and then handing me the item changed is a moment in time where my mind drifts to a world of excitement and possibility. What has changed? Will it be better than what I ordered? OMG – THIS IS SO EXCITING!

And then he handed me a multipack of Quaver crisps instead of what I ordered – Monster Munch!

Who does that? Who shatters hopes and dreams so cruelly like that? I WANTED FLAMIN HOT FLAVOR MONSTER MUNCH!!!! TESCO – YOU LOST A CUSTOMER THAT DAY!!

November

I have to do a first aid course. The course is not what I expected – “What would be your top 10 communicable diseases?” Its so hard to pick a favorite! I love ebola but covid is so hot right now…decisions…decisions…which to put as number 1?

Hotel rooms normally have a bible in a bedside drawer. I like what Cromlix Hotel have done instead. Their drawer has a book about a Scottish God – Sir Alex Ferguson.

There is very little else to report this month. I have to work on a project that eats up all my work and leisure time. Thankfully the weather was appalling so I don’t feel I’ve missed out on anything. At the end of the month the sun comes out for one day.

December

I watch a Scottish Government Christmas announcement via the medium of the sign language interpreter. As far as I can tell – first we are going to talk to the virus but it will be a heated discussion that will lead to a fight and then we will all end up zombies.

July

I was at home in Stornoway during July. My mum speaks Gaelic so I saw a lot of Gaelic news.

Coronavirus looks more romantic when written in Gaelic. Like a soft Hebridean breeze… of death.

The news reader used the phrase “self isolation” Which I thought was strange. Surely there’s a Gaelic equivalent for that? You don’t get more isolated than living in a Croft on an island on the edge of the world. Surely you’d have a word to describe it.

Gaelic wasn’t the only langue to have to change for coronavirus. I also spotted the sign language for Coronavirus. It is two hands forming a coronavirus shape. I admire the simplicity of it as it looks like exactly what it is.

I hope the same logic does not apply to how they sign genital warts.

Whilst out for a jog I spotted a sign at a local croft. It said “Please keep you dog on a leash. Recently, a dog slipped his leash and killed 3 sheep and 6 lambs in 15 minutes”

That’s not a dog that’s a killing machine. One down ever 90 seconds.

The sign was pointless. It said keep your dog on a leash. It was on a leash. It should have said “If your dog is smart enough, big enough and angry enough to escape a leash then it is not just sheep who should be afraid. You should sleep with one eye open too”

During my time at home I tried to run 100 miles in a week. You can see it here

August

August is my birthday (and unsurprisingly) Andrew’s too. I get him a message from WWE legend Kurt Angle

I get my first portion of fish & chips since March. Many other people had the same idea for lunch so the queue was very long!

The London marathon is cancelled but the Times reports – “The Times understands that the organizers are still hoping to stage the eagerly anticipated duel between the two finest marathon runners in history, Eliud Kipchoge and Kenenisa Bekele, on a short course in one of the parks in central London.”

All sports events should hold events in crap locations. I’d love to see a boxing clash like this – “The Times understands that boxing organizers are still hoping to stage the eagerly anticipated duel between Tyson Fury and Anthony Joshua, at the bins behind LIDL. Both boxers will hold a fish supper whilst a women shouts ‘Don’t do it Tyson. He’s not worth it!'”

Scientists invent Ghost Racer. Cure for covid is still sought. Maybe the scientists should work on their priorities.

September

The month started with this exciting text.

Please be Chewbacca! Please be Chewbacca! Please be Chewbacca!

It wasn’t Chewbacca.

I was able to do a bike ride that had been delayed since May. I should have spent the delay getting better at biking as my time was my slowest time ever. The graph of results looks like a covid infection rate but going downwards rather than up

I come up with a new way to tackle Covid

How to solve covid – THE PURGE! In the film, one night a year any crime is legal. In the covid purge – for one month everyone can drink, eat out and party in each other homes as much they want. Everyone else hides indoors. After a month, everyone who wants to party will have had Covid. Everyone else wont get it because they don’t want to do any of the things that make catching covid likely. Simple!

For my next trick – I’ll solve the Arab/Israel question using the cartoon wacky race.

January

2019 ended badly. My dad was rushed to hospital before Christmas with mental and physical issues which were later diagnosed as delirium – an abrupt change in the brain that causes mental confusion and emotional disruption. Spoiler: he’s much better now. This is not a sad story.

He was transferred to a neurological ward in Glasgow in early January so that he could be helped.

I spent most of January visiting hospital. I would arrive at his ward carrying shortbread, crisps and juice. I would leave with a bag of dirty pants and piss stained trousers. Worst swap ever.

He was supposed to be in the a neurological ward 67. This was the hospital signage. No wonder the folk in the ward have addled minds. My brain was frazzled deciphering this scrawl.

If dealing with his illness wasn’t hard enough, I watched Star Wars: Rise of Skywalker. A trouser piss stain on my childhood love of Star Wars! An abomination of a film.

February

At the start of the month my Aunt fell over and broke her hip. She was now in hospital too but in a different ward to my Dad. My Mum was visiting her when it happened. The common connection between my Aunt and my Dad’s hospitalization seems to be Mum. Anyone who stays with her ends up in A+E. Remind me not to invite her to my house.

On the bright side, neither my Dad or Aunt liked Custard.I would time my evening visits so I’d arrive in time to have have both of their NHS deserts.

During one of my visits my dad turned to me and said “I’ve got something important to tell you. I’ve been thinking about it all day.” He then paused. I waited for his words of wisdom or inspiration “It must be boring to be a door” Thanks dad. Very insightful.

Another day I was waiting in the the patients lounge of the hospital when I spotted this magazine. The headline read “Surgery horror!” That will reassure all the patients waiting for an op

This month also saw more mention of coronavirus in the news but its ok. Its not something we should overreact to.

“Coronavirus overraction has costs” next to “Virgin Galactic sees demand for space travel surge” Are the two things linked???

I end the month proposing a solution to the forthcoming cris

Point 3 was a bit harsh but in theory it would have worked! I could have prevented P.E with Joe Wicks and if the price of that was a few people shot then that was a price worth paying.

March

I started working at home in March but before I learnt new words like “Zoom meeting” I went to some large scale indoor events with crowds of people. Remember them?

First up was a concert at the Barrowland ballroom. I didn’t realize at the time that Editors would be the last band I’d see live. If so, I’d have picked someone better.

In an event most disease experts would declare insantiy, 2 thousand coughing wheezing Glaswegians spent a night with 89 year old William Shatner. I suppose a man who has saved the world multiple times as Captain Kirk is not going to be scared by a pesky virus.

Many years ago I asked Santa for a computer. I got a pair of socks.

The next year I asked Santa for a video recorder. I got a pair of pants.

The year after that I asked Santa for a socks and pants! I got socks and pants. At least I proved the b*****d reads my letters.

If you are struggling to think of what to give (or get) this Christmas then here’s some suggestions.

Book – Rise of the Ultra Runners

In Rise of the Ultra Runners (https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B07NDNCB8J/) the author Adharanand Finn travels the world investigating why people feel the need to run long distances in challenging environments.

The book follows his quest to collect enough points to get into the Ultra Tour de Mont Blanc. Before starting his qurst he was an experienced (mostly road) runner who was mainly interested in speed and times.

He covers the history, personalities and his experience of ultra-running. It felt like it was a good informal history of the sport as much as his personal narrative.

There is a very interesting section on why Kenyans don’t do ultra’s even though they dominate long distance road events.

The only negative comment I can make is that I would have liked to have heard more about his training. You don’t get as good as he is without hours and hours of training. Did his wife mind him training all the time? Did his kids appreciate him being away? I always wonder who people find the time to get that good.

Bike – Cycle top

The Cycle Jersey Store (https://www.thecyclejersey.com/) has some unique fun tops. My favorite being this one for the Western Isles band Peat & Diesel

The top was so good it was used as the prize in this year’ss Toddman race. You can read about it here https://twinbikerun.com/2020/06/18/toddman-2020-andrew/ and https://twinbikerun.com/2020/06/19/toddman-2020-iain/

I still believe I should be declared the true winner of the race!

They also do tops for beers, whisky and charities.

Board Game – Flamme Rouge

This is a great board game to get if you like cycling.

Flamme Rouge is 2 to 5 player game which recreates a cycle race. Each player controls two riders. Each player gets a set of movement cards for each rider. Each card can only be played once.

On each turn a player decides which cards to play. Normal rules of cycling apply so riders at the front get more tired than those at the back, riders move quicker going downhill, and sprinters are fast but burn out first.

The skill is trying to work out when to sprint and when to draft so that you can leave enough energy to win at the end. Al the games I’ve played have been very open. Anyone was able to win until the end of the game which meant it was exciting for all participants.

The theme is really good. The artwork and game pieces are high quality and it does feel like a virtual cycle race.

Prints – The Crow Road

If you are looking for pictures or prints then I recommend you check out etsy (https://www.etsy.com/uk/). Its a marketplace for small sellers. Its really good for cards and birthday presents.

Have a look at https://www.etsy.com/uk/shop/BreakawayArtist who does prints of famous Scottish and European climbs.

If you search for terms like triathlon or swimming you will discover lots of sellers offering interesting products.

Just be careful when ordering pictures or cards that you are getting something physical. Some seller sell digital downloads of their designs which means all you get is an email with a picture to print out at home.

Swim Cap – Batman

If you want to stand out from the crowd whilst swimming then invest in an interesting cap. I recommend swimming as Batman. https://www.zoggs.com/dc-super-heroes-batman-3d-swimming-cap

But if you check out kids swim caps you will find lots of interesting designs and becasue the cap is stretchy it will definitly fit on your head even if it claims to be kid size.

Meggings – tartan

Meggings are Mens leggings and they are great for wearing underneath shorts on a cold day.

I bought these for Andrew. When he wears them at races he gets at least half a dozen folk asking where he got them from.

So here’s the answer – https://meggings.com/products/tartan?variant=21727294881870

They come in other styles and this isn’t even close to being the wildest design!

And if anyone wants to know what I’d like for Christmas – I’ll be happy with a new pair of socks and pants but preferably tartan ones!