Stirling Duathlon (Iain)

dual
djuːəl/
adjective – consisting of two parts, elements, or aspects.

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Last Sunday, Andrew and I raced the Stirling Duathlon – a 10K run, 42K bike, 5K run.

I have one issue with the event. I don’t like the name: Duathlon! It confused friends and family. They all said “Shouldn’t it be a run, then bike, then stop?”

I agree – a Duathlon isn’t two things. Its three! A 10k run, a 42K bike ride and a 5K run. That’s two different runs.

I think a better name would be dryathlon – due to the lack of swimming you avoid getting wet 🙂

We’d both entered the Stirling Triathlon before. On each occasion I’d beaten Andrew. I therefore hoped to do it again – but Andrew cheated! He brought his time trial bike. He also brought his “twat hat”, which he prefers to call an aero helmet.

This is mechanical doping! The bike is the mechanical bit and the dope is the man in the pointy helmet riding it.

I knew my chances of winning had diminished.

10k Run (50 min)

The run is 4 laps of Stirling university campus. There’s a wee hill that provides a short sharp shock to the system. During lap 1 I thought to myself “This hill isn’t as bad as I remember.” During lap 4 I thought “Does this f$%ing hill ever f$%ing end!”

42K Bike (1hr 26 min)

Within a mile of the start Andrew shot past me. His more aerodynamic position and ice cream cone for a helmet gave him an advantage. I tried to keep up but couldn’t. The course is two loops of the Ochil hills. I did both my loops in the exact same time. I may not be quick but I am consistent.

5K Run (26 min)

It was another two loops of the hill which meant I had to pass Andrew twice. On both occasions he reminded me how far ahead he was. Spotting his smiling face twice was worse than the f%$king hill!

Overall

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My aim was to run the first 10k in 50 minutes, the bike in less than 90 minutes and the last run in less than 30 minutes. I achieved all three so I’m happy with that.

On the day the best Todd won but I’m still leading the Todd championship! The next round of this prestigious event will be the Dirty Reiver race in April.

PS – Is a running event a monoathalon?

PPS – free beer at the finish 🙂

Alloa Half Marathon (Iain)

I ran last year’s Alloa half marathon in 1 hour 41 minutes. This year, I completed it in 1 hour 46 minutes. Five minutes slower! What went wrong? What is the difference between this year and last?

It’s Andrew’s fault! This was the first time I’d ran the race alongside him. In previous years I’d run it by myself.

The main difference is that Andrew chats to me as we runs. After listening to him throughout the race  I can conclusively say that not only is his chat boring but it also has a drag effect of 23 seconds per mile 🙂

The race was enjoyable but I was tired after biking a lot during the week. I’d not have been any quicker even without the Andrew Drag Effect .

The highlight of the run was spotting this guy

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“Leven Las Vegas” is the best name for a running club in Scotland. I can claim this because I’ve just spent ten minutes trawling through club names on the Scottish Athletics website. Most clubs are very boringly named. I’m looking at you <insert name of town here> running club. Which is what most seem to be called.

So, next year at Alloa, I want to see some clubs raise their name game and wear club vests with a bit of personality.

Here’s some sugeestions

The Skyes the limit running club

The Perth, wind and fire running club

The Tain green bottles sitting on a wall running club

I could do this all day!

The Clydebank robbers running club

The Kinlochleven on a jet plane, don’t know when I’ll be back again running club

Ok – I’ll stop now! 🙂

 

 

Race report – Alloa Alloa (Andrew)

alloa

Listen carefully, I will say this only once: I’ve never wanted to run the Alloa half marathon. Two reasons:

  1. There’s a five mile long straight.
  2. There’s a five mile long straight!

(Except for 50 metre kink in the middle where you run down a street then run up it again).

I like drunk running, the kind that doesn’t involve any straight lines. I like scary movie running, the kind that promises a surprise around every corner. I don’t want to see where I’m going for the next half an hour as I move forward in a long line of other people all going in the same direction. That’s not running, that’s high energy queueing.

This year I had no choice. I had to run the Alloa half marathon because the race I wanted to run – the Balloch to Clydebank half marathon  last weekend – was cancelled due to construction work at the finish line. I had to run something in March and this was the next race on.

Iain’s run it before. His description wasn’t promising.

“See that five mile stretch?”

“Yes.”

“It’s horrible when it’s straight into the wind – also it’s hillier than you think.”

“I thought it was flat?”

“It’s not.”

“Damn.”

And he was right. The race isn’t flat, the first three miles are uphill, the tenth mile features a long climb to a roundabout. Even the flat section is a slight rise. It wasn’t fun. Not as a first race. Not when the Balloch to Clydebank half is largely down hill and breaks you in gently to the year.

On the plus side. The race is very well organised with water stations roughly every two miles and roads closed and traffic managed so that it feels like you’re on a closed course.

It’s also very popular with nearly 3,000 runners. We had to queue to get into Alloa. And not a high energy queue, we had to queue bumper to bumper as runners tried to get to the start on time.

It was the same story on the way out. Not that it’s a surprise that people would queue to get out of Alloa. It’s the kind of town that inspires people to leave…

Despite heavy legs and a couple of breaks to stretch off a tight back, I was pleased with my time. 1 hour 47 minutes – 1 hour 48 if you include the time it took to switch off Strava, which I don’t… 🙂

For a first race, and a thought that I wasn’t running that fast, it turned out to be faster than I expected. I only checked my time on the last mile and was surprised it was just over 1 hour 40 minutes and not closer to 1 hour 50 minutes.

A good start even if Iain did win after running off when I stopped for an energy gel at seven miles. Energy gel breaks don’t count for time, do they? If not, I’m sure I won…

Finally, a warning…

I spotted on the Alloa website a warning that anyone wearing headphones would not be covered by insurance and that headphone wearers ran at their own risk. When I was on my own I switched on a podcast and I have a warning too. Don’t listen to Russell Brand’s Under The Skin podcast about politics, economics and social theory when running. Big words don’t make you run faster

Diagnosis + 8 days

Day 8 and still no news from intensive care. Specialists from Germany have been called. No one will tell me anything. I don’t think they even know themselves what’s wrong.

It started with a simple check up. In and out in 20 minutes. Then they said I’d have to wait. Then they said “Go home”. Then they called and said: “We’ve found a crack!”

“What does that mean?” I asked.

“It means there’s no point you coming back today. Maybe ever. There’s maybe nothing we can do. We’re sorry. You should prepare yourself for the worse.”

And so I stumble from day to day not knowing what will happen next. Waiting for the specialists to finish their checks. Could this be… the end?

B*****rds!

Damn you, bike mechanics of Billy Bilsland, my bike has so much to live for – don’t let it die!

Pray for my bike, people, pray for a miracle while there’s still time!

[sob]

Toilet Talk (Andrew)

Every runner has got changed in a toilet cubicle. The toilet cubicle is to runners what telephone boxes are to Superman. And, just like Superman, we come out with our pants on wrong.

Changing in a cubicle is difficult. Not only do you have to get legs and arms out of jeans and jumpers, you have to do all that without touching the floor. Or at least any part of the floor that doesn’t look scrupulously clean.

You do the ‘wee wee’ dance. Jigging on the spot, swapping one foot and another on the one bit of the floor that’s dry.

Or you stand on your shoes. Using your shoes as a barrier between you and the ‘flood’.

And you do all that while trying to pack clothes away and take out your t-shirt and shorts without dropping them – or even let them touch! – on the toilet or the floor.

It should be an Olympic sport – toilet changing. It has all the contortions of gymnastics and the high beam with all the danger of the swimming pool, another place with lots of wee.

I was thinking about the problems with changing in the toilet this week as… well…  I had problems changing in the toilet.

I’d walked Barney the dog at Whitelee wind farm. My wife was driving home and I thought it would be fun to run the 10 miles back. It’s almost all downhill so it’s a good long easy run.

First, I would have to get changed. So, I popped into the toilets at the vistor’s centre next to the wind farm.

As I was getting changed, a father and son came in. They went into the cubicle next to me. I could hear the father tell his son it was time for a “big boy toilet” and I sincerely hoped his son was a small child and not a fully grown man or this could get really awkward.

I tried not to listen. But they were loud and I could hear the father talk his son through using the toilet. I kept changing, doing the ‘wee wee’ dance before, almost ready, I hit my elbow on the toilet roll holder. It was loose and it had three toilet rolls on it. One active, two spare.

A roll fell.

And rolled.

And disappeared into the cubicle next door.

The son said loudly: “Daddy, should we return it?”

The father said “Yes, in a second”.

And I said nothing.

What could I say? If I said I didn’t need it they might wander why not. What kind of weirdo goes into a toilet and doesn’t need something to wipe? I could offer an explanation. But I didn’t think this was the time to go into the merits of toilet changing. So, instead, I said nothing

Because saying nothing is less awkward than saying something.

Because there’s nothing less awkward than a silent man. In a toilet cubicle. When everyone knows he’s there.

I had do to something. I had to… I know… get changed really, really quickly and leave before they got out! So quickly that –

– BANG!

I hit my shoulder off the cubicle wall. And, worse, my foot had slipped, and I’d touched the floor.

“F**K!”

Silence.

Awful silence.

Now, not only had I lost my roll, I was now banging savagely on the walls and screaming obscenities.

I did the only thing I could do.

I stood absolutely stock still until I heard the door open, the toilet flush, the taps run and I was absolutely sure they’d left.

Then I waited five minutes more.

It was the least awkward thing to do.

 

This boy can’t… (Iain)

#thisgirlcan is a social media campaign encouraging women to participate in sporting activities. Women are encouraged to tweet/facebook/instagram tales of sporting success (no matter how big or small) so that other women will be inspired.

It’s a great campaign and I recommend you check out the website: http://www.thisgirlcan.co.uk/

Would men benefit from a similar campaign? In my opinion, probably not – men do not have to be encouraged to brag. We’ve all written a blog post about an amazing training session or event, we’ve all gone into work and said how we smashed a bike/run/swim course at the weekend.   Did it inspire people? No, it probably bored them. Nobody likes hearing about success unless it’s their own.

So instead I’ve an idea that I think can inspire men. Let me be the first to say #thisboycant

Because I’ve learnt more through failing at sport than succeeding.

So join me as I admit:

#thisboycant snowboard –  I fell over during the first hour of a five day ski holiday while on the training slope. I accidentally punched myself in the chest. I broke my rib. I haven’t felt that bad after a punch since the last time I went to a house party and drank from a fruit bowl.

#thisboycant play rugby –  I was told by my coach that with correct technique I could tackle anyone. That was a lie. I tackled a man twice my size. My technique was perfect. I ended up concussed. I was more wiped out than the Labour vote at the next general election (oooh. A little bit of politics!)

#thisboycant cycle on the track – I attended four track session. On the test day another cyclist crashed into a wall above me. His bike slid down the track into mine. I fell off, hitting the ground hard. I bashed my head and lost skin on my arm. I looked so bad I was mistaken for the Elephant man.

#thisboycant rock climb – I went to a climbing center. I had to attach the rope to my harness in two places. I attached it to just one. I fell off the wall. Luckily the one place holding the rope was strong enough to break my fall. Unfortunately that one place was my crotch. The instructor said it took balls to survive a fall like that. It certainly did!

I learnt something from each of these failures. I learnt I don’t have to be good at sport to enjoy taking part.

So when people ask me whether they should attempt an event be it running/biking/triathlon? I say, YES! I can’t do it but I’ve never let that stop me so it shouldn’t stop you either 🙂

The next time you write a blog/tweet etc think about writing about something you can’t do.

Cracking up (Andrew)

“Hello.”

“Is that Andrew?”

“Yes.”

“This is the man from the bike shop.”

“Hello.”

“I just wanted to let you know…”

My bike was ready to be picked up. My good bike. My race steed. My carbon fibre beauty that only needs a new chain, some lube and a little servicing and love after hibernating over Winter and now preparing to face the sunny promise of Spring?

“… we’ve found a crack.”

“As in the drug?”

“As in your frame.”

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

“We’re going to phone the manufacturer and we’ll let you know next week what we can do next.”

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

“Mr Todd , are you still there?”

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, NOT MY BIKE!

[To be continued]

What a shower! (Andrew)

They don’t cover this in any training plan.

It’s not in any book.

But it’s the one thing you need to know before starting any triathlon programme – how often do you need to shower?

Check your programme. It doesn’t mention it, does it? Your programme will tell you that, today, you need to run five miles and you need to swim two kilometres; but what it doesn’t say is that you’ll also need to shower after that run and shower after that swim – and, probably, shower when you get up.

Unless you don’t sweat when you sleep. Then don’t shower when you get up.

(Ya dirty stop out).

Training programmes will tell you that you will train for five, six, seven hours however, when trying to fit it all in, those programme should also explain how long it’ll take to shower – and to get changed.

You don’t start running without getting changed. Not unless you like nudey jogging, which, in Glasgow, is dangerous as it’s cold and people will think a Smurf is running wild through the streets.

Instead, when looking at your training programme you need to think – “okay, I can run for five miles at lunchtime but that also means I’ll need a shower when I get back. Now, my one hour lunch is looking a bit tight (unless you can run under 7 minutes a mile) as not only do I need to run, I need to shower and I still need to eat.”

Showering is the fourth discipline of triathlon. Maybe, the fifth after transition. But definitely in the top six of tri.

The sixth is getting your wetsuit on without looking like a sausage trying to squeeze back into its skin.

Showers need as much planning as any other part of triathlon.

You need to remember a towel for the pool, a second for work. You need to think about your hair, do you wash it first thing when you wake, or after your run at lunch, or both times, or none at all – you like it tussled.

Hair is a triathletes’ worst enemy. We spend most of the race covering it up with swim cap and bike helmet only to unleash it on the run when it’s damp, sweaty, flat and, possibly, covered in salt. Your hair basically has all the grace of a chip found in the gutter at the side of the road.

(Random thought – why is stylish a compliment? She’s stylish! Normally, when you add -ish to the end of the world it’s an insult, it detracts from what you’ve just said. This sandwich is alright-ish. Stylish should mean you have style, well, styl-ish.)

When planning any training programme the most important thing you can do is plan your showers along with it. I’ll look at my day and see if I need a swim in the morning followed by a run at lunch time means two showers – one after the swim and one after the run – instead of three if I shower in the morning, run in the afternoon then shower, then swim at night then shower.

I then take it further. If I’m cycling at night and shower at 8pm. Does that mean I don’t then need a shower in the morning because it’s been less than 12 hours since I last showered?

I could then have a shower on Monday night, not shower on Tuesday morning, shower on Tuesday afternoon after a run then only have one shower when I would have had two.

Genius.

Assuming you agree that showers are more of a time thing rather than linked to how much you whiff when you get up.

See, planning showers is hard! And they need just as much attention as the training itself.

I mention all of this because a couple of weeks I had a misfortune in the shower. I was at work. I was finishing washing when, instantly, the lights went out.

The work shower in a room off a corridor which is off another corridor. It’s right at the centre of our office, far, far away from any windows. When the lights went out, it instant darkness. No light under the door, no passive light to slip through and provide some illumination. I was effectively blind.

And I couldn’t remember how to open the shower door.

I’d never had to think about it before. I just opened it. With my hands – and my eyes.

Now, I’m trapped in the cubicle, sightless, and unable to remember if it swung in, swung out, slid open or lifted up suicide door style.

I couldn’t get out. Nor could I shout for help. I was naked. Help would come but help would very quickly run away.

For five minutes I tried pulling, pushing, sliding and jostling until I figures out there was a pivot in the middle of the door that meant I had to both pull and slide it to open it.

I then used the light from my iPhone to get changed.

It’s what Bear Grylls would have done.

So, the moral of this story, is that showers are tricky things. Not only can you get trapped in them you can also find them eating into your valuable time. Incorporate showers into your training plan. Plan ahead. Know how they open and close. Master the shower – and you will master triathlon.

End Of Month Report: February

My plan for February was:

  • Bike (average) 100 miles a week.
  • Run (average) 16 miles a week including a 10k+ run once a week.
  • Do yoga at least once a week.
  • Swim twice a week.

What actually happened:

  • I averaged 85 miles a week on the bike. I’m happy with that. Due to other commitments I wasn’t able to do any weekend biking (other than once) I also lost a week due to a head cold.
  • I ran on average 15 miles a week and managed at least a 10k every week.
  • I managed 1.5 yoga sessions a week.
  • I swam twice a week.

Overall, I’m pleased with February. I didn’t have much spare weekend time to bike/run but still managed to get close to my targets.

This month’s targets:

  • Stirling Duathlon.
  • Alloa Half Marathon.
  • Bike (on average) 100 miles a week.
  • Run (on average) 16 miles a week including a half marathon and a 10k.
  • Do yoga at least once a week.
  • Swim twice a week.

I’m looking forward to the duathlon as I’ve never done one before. I’m not sure how to pace one it so I will just aim to go slightly faster than Andrew!

I’ve done Alloa a few times. It can be a hard race as there’s a long straight section into the wind. My aim is to get under 1 hour 45 minutes.

Here’s a selection of photos from February. If you want to see more then follow me on Instagram https://www.instagram.com/imacivertodd/ 

 

The Glasgow SubRun (Andrew)

The GPX file for the route can be found here  CLICK HERE

10 years ago I was involved in a project that required 20,000 documents to be signed. I can’t tell you about the project as I had to sign the Official Secrets Act before starting on it. So… erm…. ignore that first sentence – let’s start again.

10 years ago ‘a friend’ who doesn’t want to be arrested for treason was involved in the project that required 20,000 documents to be signed…

At the end of the project, a man was appointed to sign all 20,000 documents. Before he could start, health & safety carried out a risk assessment. He was told he could sign for 20 minutes at a time before he had to take a 15 minute break. And he could only sign 10 times a day.

At best, it would take the man a month to sign his name on all the documents. At worst, if his name was ‘Adolph Blaine Charles David Earl Frederick Gerald Hubert Irvin John Kenneth Lloyd Martin Nero Oliver Paul Quincy Randolph Sherman Thomas Uncas Victor William Xerxes Yancy Wolfeschlegelsteinhausenbergerdorff Senior’,  the man with the longest name in the world, according to the Guinness Book of Records, it would take the rest of his life.

It was health and safety gone mad!

Which is a strange phrase. If health & safety had genuinely ‘gone mad’ it would make you ride a giraffe before signing your name. It wouldn’t try and prevent a repetitive strain injury through a measured and effective system of writing and resting. That’s not mad. That’s good sense.

Health & safety is a good thing but it gets a bad rap. The nanny state. Maybe it would have a better reputation if it had a better name? I’d call it the NSFW regime: the Not Safe For Work regime. Which I admit could be confusing if you want to watch a NSFW video. Oh my!

‘Mad’ health & safety rules don’t just apply to signing documents. They also apply to driving trains. In Glasgow, a driver on the Glasgow subway can only drive a train for 25 minutes too. Why 25 minutes? That’s the time it takes to go round the subway and, as the subway is an oval, the drivers get dizzy as they’re literally driving in circles all day*.

(*This may not be true. Someone told me this and it was too good to actually check the answer and have it debunked.)

On Sunday, Iain and I decided to carry out our own health and safety assessment by following the tube David Bowie style: station to station.

We had a simple challenge. We would start at one station and then we’d run to the next and the next and we’d follow them round in order of the tube map.

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Which in the real world, still looks like an oval.

stations-map-games

There is a drinking game version of this challenge. It’s called a “subcrawl”.

Subway + pub crawl  = subcrawl. Did you see what they did there?

On a subcrawl you have to travel round the tube and get out at every station and have a drink at the nearest station. From trendy bars in the Westend to big name city centre pubs, traditional tenement corner bars filled with Union Jack flags near Ibrox. It’s all of Glasgow seen through the bottom of a pint glass.

Instead, Iain suggested a healthier challenge.

Instead of drinking, we’d be running. We’d have a Glasgow subway + run = Glasgow Subrun (trademark pending). Did you see what we did there?

We’d start at St George’s Cross and we’d run clockwise to Cowcaddens, Buchanan Street and beyond.

Here we are at the first stop:

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The first stop was easy, it was only a few hundred metres from the start. As were the next two: Buchanan Street and St Enoch stations, which sit on either end of the same street. After that the challenge was to find the stations.

The stations south of the Clyde are more spread out and less obvious to find with Kinning Park being the hardest to spot. We ran past it then had to double back to take a side road to find it.

We also had to run through the Clyde Tunnel, to cross the river. It seemed fitting. We were finally running underground.

It was great to see Glasgow in a different way and to find out which stations were closest (Partick and Kelvinhall), which were furthest apart (Govan and Partick) and which didn’t have an underground ‘welcome’ sign and spoiled our 15 selfies (Partick, we’re looking at you and shaking our fists!). It was also a chance to see how Glasgow changes from area to area, and how, in many ways, they’re just the same despite there vastly different reputations.

Why not run it too? And, if you want to run the #GlasgowSubrun then are the seven rules (I’ve just made up) which you must follow:

  1. You can start at any station
  2. You can run clockwise or anti-clockwise
  3. You must go to each station in the order they appear on the tube map
  4.  You must cross the Clyde using the Clyde Tunnel so that you’re actually running underground
  5. You must take a selfie at each station
  6. You finish at the station you started at. The train goes all the way round so you do too.
  7. You don’t need to pose or gurn but it helps!

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