Iain

Race Plan 2017 (Iain)

The general theme of this year’s plan is… no overseas races! I’ve travelled to races for the last few years and it would be selfish to do it again this year.

Other than that my only criteria is that the race should be within two hours of my house, although:

  • I’ve made an exception for Chester as it’s such a great race.
  • Celtman is two hours from my parent’s house in Stornoway so I don’t count that either!

January 28th – Buchlyvie 10K

I’ve entered this race twice before. Each time it was cancelled due to bad weather. I’m hoping this is third time lucky.

February 12th – Kirkintilloch 12.5K

A quiet undulating course which is conveniently near my house. It was icy last year. Hopefully, this time I get round without slipping and, hopefully, I beat Andrew again.

March 12th – Balloch to Clydebank Half Marathon

My traditional start to the year. If I do it in less than 1hr 45min then I know I haven’t been too lazy over the winter.

March 19th – Alloa Half Marathon

Similarly if I can run a half marathon a week after Balloch then I also know my stamina is okay. Andrew has never attempted this. I think he’s too afraid of losing twice in a week 😉

March 26th – Stirling Duathalon

I’ve never done a duathalon so this should be interesting…

April 22nd – Dirty Reiver 

A race I’ve never done before, but it looks good https://www.dirtyreiver.co.uk/  It’s a an off road bike race on forrest tracks. I’m looking forward to trying something new. I’ve also lost to Andrew on every other bike surface so maybe this is the one I’ll win on!

May 6th – Bealch Beag

A warm up for Celtman as its in the same area. Its an event I’m excited about. Years ago,  I did the original race but I’ve never done it since. Back then I knew nothing about biking. Hopefully now I know a little bit more I’ll do better.

May 13th – Loch Leven Half Marathon

A return of an old favorite. I love this race. One of my favorite running memories is running it on a gloriously sunny day with Andrew. It was the last day of the SPL championship. As we got to the 10mile point we discovered Celtic had won the league. We ran the last three miles very happily.

May 21st – Caledonian Etape

My yearly hope I’ll beat Andrew but inevitably lose race

June 4th – Chester Standard Triathalon

Great swim course, bike course and run course. So many triathalons fail at least one of these. So signing up is a no brainer as its brilliant.

June 17th – Celtman (support)

I’ll do my best to find Andrew fresh pancakes for the bike leg as he enjoyed them at Norseman.

July 2nd – Iron Man Edinburgh (70.3)

I couldn’t resist signing up. It starts in Gosford House. One of Scotland’s grandest homes. I’ve always wanted to visit it, but its closed to the public. This seemed the perfect opportunity to combine my love of visiting interesting places and racing. Also I went to university in Edinburgh and lived there so I know the course well.

I know I won’t end up doing all of these as normal life will throw up other events (unexpected weddings/births/fun) but hopefully I’ll enjoy as many as possible especially as I’ve already paid for them!

(The  fourth discipline of racing after swim/bike/run is paying for it.)

Iain

Happy New Year (Iain)

Happy new year to everyone who reads this blog. A sentence I could shorten to “Hi Mum!”.

My ambition for 2017 is to be the fastest cyclist on Strava over the “Crow Road”, a famous Scottish hill climb just north of Glasgow.

I live very close to the start of the route so, on new year’s day, I got up early and headed out on the bike.

It was a beautiful morning. It was warm (for January 1st) and there was no wind. I didn’t see a soul or car until I was coming back down the hill and spotted another cyclist. I was about to say “happy new year” to him but he glared at me! I don’t think he was happy that he wasn’t the first up the Crow Road in 2017!

As soon as I got back home I uploaded my trip to Strava – and I’d achieved my goal! I’m the fastest cyclist on the “Crow Road” in 2017…as long as I don’t look at Strava again till 2018!

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Andrew

Would you like ice with that? (Andrew)

There are very few things that can’t be improved by adding ice. Take drinks. All drinks can be improved with ice. Take tea. On it’s own it’s just brown boiled water. Add ice though and it becomes swaggering hip-hop muthafunkin’ gangsta, Ice T. That’s how powerful ice can be. It can make hot water cool.

There’s one thing however that can’t be improved with ice and that’s cycling. Ice is dangerous. And not in an 1990’s ‘dangerous’ is cool type way. I’m talking a smash your head off the road kind of danger.

Take yesterday. The Glasgow Triathlon Club held it’s annual race up the Crow Road, a three mile road climb from Lennoxtown, north of Glasgow, to top of the Campsie hills. Iain and I joined them and, afterwards, decided to carry on over the Campsies and back along the Carron Valley before climbing back over the Campsies at the Tak Me Doon road.

Only one problem

Ice.

Lots of ice.

Glittering across the road like tempting frosting but, like frosting, likely to leave you flat on your back if you have too much of it.

We were halfway along the Carron Valley when we realised that there more ice on the road than road. Iain was already though the worst of it but I could see I still had five metres to go. I tried to keep upright, tried to slow down so I could put a foot out but all I ended up doing was falling back off the bike as my front wheel slid under me.

As I fell I remember thinking: “Don’t put your hands out, you’ll only break something”.

Which was good advice.

For my hands.

But not my head.

BANG!

My head bounced up off the road.

“Ouch!”

I lay there for a few second, looking up. It was a cold day but there was a blue sky.

“That was stupid,” I thought to myself, “now, do I need to stay awake for 24 hours?”

A random thought. You hit your head, you stay awake for 24 hours. But I was wearing a helmet, I hadn’t blacked out, and I knew, even as I was thinking, that it was a daft thought.

“You’re okay, just get up.”

I pushed myself up, being careful to keep my footing on the ice.

I was okay. No cuts or bruises, no road rash, just fuzzy head and stiff neck from the mild whiplash of hitting the ground.

Iain had returned. He was concerned, obviously: “You didn’t scratch my bike, did you?” He said.

Which is the first question anyone asks if they see there bike on the ground, even if their brother’s lying beside it!

To be fair, I’d borrowed his bike for today’s ride. I’d also borrowed his girlfriend’s cycle helmet as I’d forgotten my own which meant my final thought after getting up was: “Thank God no one called an ambulance – I’m wearing a ladies helmet with pink trim!”

Which would not be cool, even with ice.

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Andrew

How Long is ‘Long’ (Andrew)

It’s Boxing Day. Iain and I are running a three mile route around Stornoway and I say: “Tomorrow, we’ll run the long way round the Castle Grounds”.

I know what I mean. I mean we’ll run from our parents house to the Castle Grounds then we’ll run anti-clockwise through Willowglen, the golf course, Lews Castle, Cuddy Point, the Porter’s Lodge and then out and back around town via the harbour.

Iain should have known what I meant.  It’s our usual route. The one we run most times we’re at home. It’s the long way round because, well, it’s 5 miles, and that’s quite long. Hence, it’s the long way round the Castle Grounds.

Iain, on the other hand, hears an entirely different route. The next day we don’t take a left and run down to Cuddy Point, which is about midway along the Castle Grounds, he takes a right.

“Where are you going?” I ask.

“The long way,” he says.

“That’s not the long way.” The route he’s going will take us to the very end of the Castle Grounds before coming back via the outer road.

“Yes, it is!” He insists. “You said we’re going the long way round and this is the long way!”

“No,” I say, “That’s is the ULTRA way!”

It’s amazing how the word long means different things to different people. When I started running and I was going for a long run I meant I was going to run a couple of miles. A couple of years ago a long run was  6 – 8 miles. Now a long run is 10 to 12. My idea of long has changed.

It’s the same with triathlons. My first triathlon felt like it lasted forever. The 10k run at the end was chalked off a kilometre at a time with each kilometre feeling as slow as waiting for a Dominos pizza to arrive (the slowest feeling in the world).

Now, a triathlon doesn’t feel slow (though my times tell me otherwise) because my perception has changed. Long has become short.  And long has become longer.

That’s why you can’t yourself when training. You’re idea of a long run or a long ride changes over time and it’s easy to kid yourself when training for a race that you’ve put in the miles when your long runs and rides were all in your head.

That’s why I’m going to try an experiment in the next month. I’ve had a heart rate monitor for over a year but I’ve never used it. Next week I’ll start to use it. I’ve joined TrainerRoad and I’m going to see if science and technology will help with my Celtman training.

This year “long” won’t mean “long”. Instead “long” will mean “a scientifically generated objective number based on verifiable testing and quantitative analysis”.

Andrew

Books 2016 (Andrew)

Another break from normal service…

There’s only one contender for book of the year.

‘I Hate The Internet’ had the sarkiest writing.
‘High-Rise’ the best explanation of what actually happened in the incomprehensible film.
‘Annihilation’ the best homage to Robert Bloch’s Cthulu short story ‘A Notebook Found In A Deserted House’.
‘You Could Do Something Amazing With Your Life [You are Raoul Moat]’ and ‘In Plain Sight’ the darkest books (almost) written by Raoul Moat and Jimmy Savile.
‘Before The Fall’ was the best page turner I read this year.

But there was only one winner.

And it’s complete tosh.

But brilliant complete tosh – Jack Reacher in ‘Tripwire’, which in any shape or form is not a great book. But, this year, it’s the only book that attempted an audacious plot twist worthy of 20 years of waiting to find out how Hodor in Game of Thrones got his name…

SPOILER ALERT

… because it had Jack Reacher working on a building yard and developing chest muscles so big, so huge, so freakishly large, that you have no idea why Lee Child keeps referring to them until, 500 pages later, just as it looks like Jack will lose, he uses his chest to stop a shotgun blast and the pellets didn’t kill him because they couldn’t penetrate his big, huge, freakishly large chest.

Now that’s what you call great writing*!

(*It’s not, but bloody ‘ell, you’ve got to admire the commitment to write a 500 pages book built on the single idea that a man can pump iron so much bullets bounce off his chest. Go, Jack, go!)

#tomcruise #notmyReacher #shortarsebignose

Andrew

Music 2016 (Andrew)

MUSIC 2016

The problem with streaming music is that you can’t lie to yourself anymore. I’d like to think I’ve got an eclectic musical taste and seek out new and interesting music. This year (excluding all the obviously great chart stuff) I’ve loved:

Sensible Soccer – AFG
White Lies – Hold Back Your Love
Clint Mansell – High Rise OST
Frank Ocean – Nikes
Savages – Adore
Justice – Randy
Thrice – Black Honey
Mitski – Your Best American Girl
The Slow Show – Strangers Now
Sing Street – Crash It Like You Stole It

But, despite this, according to Spotify, the song I loved most of all was Pillowtalk by Zayn.

Or ZAYN, as he calls himself, presumably while shouting: “MY NAME IS ZAYN, NOT Zayn. ZAYN!”

Or his caps lock key is broken on his laptop.

Either way. He’s a TWAT.

However, as I suspect Lesley may have played a small part in Zayn, sorry ZAYN, being my most played song of the year, I’m going to chose my second most played song: I Am Chemistry by Yeasayer, a song that even now many, many listens later I still have no idea what they’re singing about and why halfway through a children’s choir joins. Barkingly Brilliant.

Andrew

Films 2016ish (when I watched them not when they were out) (Andrew)

A break from normal service… 🙂

Fake news. Post-truth. Just as the real world becomes a work of fiction so our works of fiction have become obsessed with reality.

Take Oscar nominated films: Spotlight was based on a true story; The Big Short was based on a true story; The Revenant was based on a true story; and Bridge of Spies was based on a true story (though not an actual Bridge of Spies, it was made of iron, not double agents).

Even The Martian, a film about a man on Mars, loudly proclaimed how real it was – “It’s exactly what would happen!” – as it showed exactly what would happen to a botanist on Mars left with just a greenhouse, some seeds and book called “What To Do If You’re A Botanist Trapped On Mars With Just A Greenhouse And Some Seeds”, which was handy, and realistic. While one of the best reviewed UK films was I, Daniel Blake. A poignant and realistic film about a man filling in a form. If this trend continues, I can’t wait to see the latest Transformers film next year: I, Optimus Prime, a film about a giant flying robot truck applying for disability allowance in Sunderland because it can’t find a job as an industrial welder. I’d pay to see that.

But, as films became more realistic, and, let’s face it, more boring. Spotlight: a two hour film about paperwork. The Revenant: a two and half hour film about it being bloody cold out there when it snows. Bridge of Spies: A two hour film about paperwork and it being bloody cold out there when it snows. Zzzzzzzzz. My favorite film this year is one of pure escapism instead. My favorite was the fantastic half film half musical Sing Street; about a boy starting a band in Ireland during the 80s just to impress a girl. Great songs, great story and the best/daftest escape plan in movie history as two characters recreate Dunkirk with nothing but a dream, a boat and Boy George’s eyeliner. Loved it! Go and watch it now! Go on, go on, go on, go on!

Honorable mentions:
Central Intelligence, Mistress America, Ex Machina, Inside Out, Civil War, Whiplash, Force Majeure, Pride, When We’re Young, Cinderella, Wiener and Midnight Special

Andrew

Pop goes the weasely hip (Andrew)

“I’ve had a problem with my right hip. Just a wee niggly pain. I’ve rested it for a month and, before I go home for Christmas, I thought I’d get it checked to make sure it’s all fixed.”

And, with that, I removed all my clothes except my boxers.

Just to be clear, I was prompted to do that.

I don’t just rip off my clothes at the drop of a hat, jumper, trousers and socks. I booked a visit to a physio in Larbert, one I’d been to before so I knew the routine. I would say what was wrong with me. She’d say strip. I’d strip then she’d prod me with her thumbs and make me scream.

Again, just to be clear, she asked first if it was okay to prod me. Though I think “prod” is not the medical term. Her term might have been “apply pressure to the muscle to cause it to release” but, whatever the right term, the effect was the same. She prodded my back and then I screamed.

But that was just the start.

“Your right leg is tighter than your left.”

“I know,” I said “I can never get money out of my right pocket.”

She didn’t laugh. I assume she hadn’t heard.

“Lie on your side. Bend your knee. Raise your arm. Put your hand here. Keep that leg straight.”

I try and follow but it feels like I’m trying to re-create a chalk outline of the Hunchback of Notre Dame.

“Don’t worry if you can’t manage it,” she said, “just breathe out.”

I did.

And she pushed down on my knee.

Just to be clear, she didn’t ask me first. It was assault. A vicious attack. An unproved invasion of my physical space and a –

POP!!!!!!!!

WTF!

A balloon had exploded. The planet had exploded. I’d just heard the Big Bang.

“That’s it,” she said, “got it, you’re cured!”

And I was. I couldn’t feel any pain. Whatever had popped had stopped whatever was niggling the jiggling of my legs and hips.

It was a miracle.

But, blimey, it hurt. But at least it was over. Done.

Then she said the five words you never want to hear from a physio.

No, not “It’s not meant to crack!”

Or “Let’s call the Doctor now.”

Or “Can I cup the balls?”

It’s worse. It’s “Let’s do the other side!”

No!!!!

Iain

All I want for Xmas is sunscreen (Iain)

He’s making a list,

And checking it twice,

He looks again!

He can’t believe the price!

Santa Claus is buying prezzies for triathletes!

Ho, ho, ho! Merry Xmas!

It’s the time of year my mum asks what I’d like for Xmas and I say “How about this saddle for my bike?” I show her the saddle and she goes “HOW MUCH!!!”

In fairness, I said the same when she said she’d like Jo Malone perfume.

It’s easy to get a present for Andrew. I just get something I’d like myself. That way – if he doesn’t like it,  I keep it!

This year, I’ve found the perfect present for Celtman: Sunscreen.

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Lifesystems-Active-Protection-Cream-200ml-x/dp/B0050DD74S/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1481712678&sr=8-1&keywords=jellyfish+repellent

You may wonder why he needs sunscreen for a race famed for its lack of sun. This sunscreen is special. Not only does it prevent sun burn it also repels jelly fish! Celtman is famed for its jelly fish so this would be the perfect gift except for one thing…

Celtman is an extreme triathlon! It’s not a cuddly triathlon. It’s not going to give Andrew a hug and tell him everything’s going to be okay! He’s supposed to suffer.

Giving him sunscreen would be against the spirit of the event.

So, I’ve ordered a different sunscreen. One which will make his swim extreme. I don’t want to spoil his Christmas surprise by saying which one it is but I will reveal one thing – it was really difficult to find one containing a jellyfish aphrodisiac!