“That looks like a massive snow cock!” Shouts a runner as we pass what looks like two large snow balls and one large shaft.

“Maybe its two snowmen cuddling up for warmth with a chimney in between them?” I replied.

“Its definitely a massive icy wang!” They shout back.

“I think you’re right” I concede.

Today was a 7 mile trail run that would normally have amazing views overlooking Glasgow but due to snow and fog the only thing I saw was an erotic snow sculpture.

I was late for spin class.

I’d popped into work on the way to the class to pick up a parcel from my desk. I’d then spent too long trying to work out the pin code to get into my office. I know it’s got a 4, a 7, a 1 and and a 9 in it. I just didn’t know the correct order. After twenty minutes of randomly trying combinations I had to abandon my parcel.

I thought I’d sneak into the class and no one would notice.

I was wrong. The class was full. Everyone stared at me.

I offered to leave! I’d already biked that day so didn’t need to bike again.

The instructor told me to stay and gave me her bike. The one facing the rest of the class.

This must be the spin cycling nightmare equivalent of standing in front of the school naked.

I decided to look down for the whole class and pretend no one else was there.

“Swim@1500?” Texts Andrew

“Ok!” I reply.

It’s claimed that twins are psychic but we prefer to rely on text message. Sending each other messages by thought alone has proved more unreliable than scotrail trains.

He once fell off his bike and broke his arm. If I was psychic I’d have felt his pain. I felt nothing!

Which is why at 1510 I was standing outside the pool wondering why he was ten minutes late. After another 10 minutes I decided to go in and swim as he mustn’t be coming.

I got changed and headed to the pool. I jumped in a lane. There was with one other swimmer in the lane so I waited for them to swim to me so I could check it was ok to share the lane.

“Hey!”

It turned out the swimmer was my brother

“Why didn’t you meet me here at 1500?” He asked

“I was outside!”

“Oh! I thought you’d come inside.” he replied

What did I say about twins not being psychic.

I have a New Years day tradition which I started last year. Does that count as tradition? How many years do I have to do it before it becomes traditional?

I climb a hill on New Year’s Day. It doesn’t matter which one. I’m not picky.

I decided to climb the hill nearest my house. Before I left I double checked the route on the map. It seemed simple. Walk to the top via one route and follow a different path down.

I decided to go Alpine style which is a another way of saying I couldn’t be bothered carrying a bag or a map. I’d regret that later…

How hard could it be to walk to the top of a hill and then find a path back down? Surprisingly difficult. There was no path back down. Whoever drew the map must have failed map school.

I could have walked back the way we came but instead I decided to make my own path. I went to the hill edge and headed down the steep slope. I could see the town so I aimed for that. There must be a path eventually…

40 minutes and no path later I was standing in the middle of a very muddy field. My shoes were muddy, my jeans were muddy and my nose was muddy. I’m not sure how that happened!

The field was the only thing keeping me from reaching the town. I could see the houses. All I had to do was walk across this field. The choice was simple. Retreat and spend time looking for a better way that might not exist or commit to the mud.

I choose mud.

I squelched my way across the field. The closer I got to the houses the more I realised I faced a non mud related issue. Their was no gaps between the houses. The only way to get to town was to jump into someone’s garden.

I hoped whoever’s house I invaded would be too hungover from the night before to notice their first footer is a 6ft tall stranger covered in mud.

I choose a delightful 3 bed bungalow to invade. They didn’t have a dog (I hoped) and their garden wall looked sturdy enough to clamber over.

I couldn’t see anyone in their windows so I jumped over. I landed in the garden next to their trampoline. At that exact moment a women appeared at the window.

She looked at me

I looked at her

I waved hello

And legged it!

I stopped running when I got to the house.

My new New Year’s Day tradition is to not scare the neighbors!