All posts by twinbikerun

Twin Running Cycling Swimming Scotland
Iain

All I want for Xmas is sunscreen (Iain)

He’s making a list,

And checking it twice,

He looks again!

He can’t believe the price!

Santa Claus is buying prezzies for triathletes!

Ho, ho, ho! Merry Xmas!

It’s the time of year my mum asks what I’d like for Xmas and I say “How about this saddle for my bike?” I show her the saddle and she goes “HOW MUCH!!!”

In fairness, I said the same when she said she’d like Jo Malone perfume.

It’s easy to get a present for Andrew. I just get something I’d like myself. That way – if he doesn’t like it,  I keep it!

This year, I’ve found the perfect present for Celtman: Sunscreen.

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Lifesystems-Active-Protection-Cream-200ml-x/dp/B0050DD74S/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1481712678&sr=8-1&keywords=jellyfish+repellent

You may wonder why he needs sunscreen for a race famed for its lack of sun. This sunscreen is special. Not only does it prevent sun burn it also repels jelly fish! Celtman is famed for its jelly fish so this would be the perfect gift except for one thing…

Celtman is an extreme triathlon! It’s not a cuddly triathlon. It’s not going to give Andrew a hug and tell him everything’s going to be okay! He’s supposed to suffer.

Giving him sunscreen would be against the spirit of the event.

So, I’ve ordered a different sunscreen. One which will make his swim extreme. I don’t want to spoil his Christmas surprise by saying which one it is but I will reveal one thing – it was really difficult to find one containing a jellyfish aphrodisiac!

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Top 5 things people have thrown at me when running/biking (Iain)

It’s not every day a yogurt lands on my head.

In November 1995 I was walking along a street in Edinburgh, minding my own business whilst listening to a Sony mini-disc. That was state of the art back then. But, before I could say “Is that a Muller lite falling from the sky?”, a Muller lite had fallen from the sky and landed on my head leaving its trail of too-sweet-tasting-creamy-awfulness across my forehead. I looked upwards.

A man was laughing from a third floor window. He had a spoon. I guess he was the yogurt chucker. As much as I was shocked to have been “Muller’d” I was impressed with his aim. I’m sure I’d miss If I tried to throw an non-aerodynamic yoghurt pot at someone from a height of 30 ft.

I never found out why he threw it but, this week, I was reminded of him when I read that someone was throwing things at cyclists who use a local bike path. Its awful that they’re doing that. I hope the police catch them but it does let me list the top 5 things that have been thrown at me when biking/running.

5 -Verbal Abuse/Comedy

Sometimes it’s not physical objects thrown from vehicles but verbal ones. Whilst biking this week I passed two school girls eating chips. One shouted “OH MY GOD! I’m going to marry you!” and then ate a chip.

Which was a nice offer but I’d rather she’d proposed in a more romantic manner than over a poke of chips!

Its also amazing how many times cars (but mainly van) drivers wind down their windows to shout”Run Forrest! Run!”

4 – Snowballs

One Xmas, whilst jogging, in the east end of Glasgow I passed a group of youngsters. My Spidey sense kicked in – I instinctively knew they were going to pelt me with snowballs as soon as I was far enough away to hit but not close enough to run after them!

I counted to three in my head and braced myself for the inevitable pelting. I got pelted. it was sore!

3 – Waterpistol

Whilst jogging near Kelvingrove a van pulled up next to me. The passenger opened his window and shot me with a water pistol. The van drove off. I was too shocked to do anything! To this day I can still hear the passengers shout “HAHA!”

2 – Yoghurt

Surprising this was not the most unusual thing to hit me.

Number 1 is …..

1 – A fish and chip supper. 

Yes. Honest! I once was assaulted with a fish and chip supper. It was whilst jogging in the meadows in Edinburgh. I stopped at a t-junction. As a car turned and passed me a fish and chip supper was thrown out. It hit me in the stomach.

Is it a crime to throw a fish and chip supper at a stranger? Yes. Probably. But the biggest crime is to throw a fish and chips supper away without eating all the chips? This is Scotland. You don’t throw away chips!

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What do they drink in the Congo? (Iain)

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I’ve used https://veloviewer.com/ to created an infograph of my biking, based on my Strava stats

This year I cycled far enough to reach the Congo!

I don’t know much about the Congo so I checked the Foreign Office to find out more. The official guidelines states:

“The security situation remains unstable. The continued presence of armed groups, military operations against them, intercommunal violence and an influx of refugees from neighbouring countries all contribute to a deterioration in the political, security and humanitarian situation. There are continued reports of kidnappings…”

But then I remembered a song from my childhood.

“Way down deep in the middle of the Congo,
A hippo took an apricot, a guava and a mango.
He stuck it with the others and he danced a dainty tango.
The rhino said, “I know… we’ll call it Um Bongo!”
Um Bongo, Um Bongo, they drink it in the Congo!
The python picked the passion-fruit, The marmoset the mandarine, the parrot painted packets that the whole caboodle landed in.
So when it comes to sun and fun and goodness in the jungle, they all prefer the sunny, funny one they call Um Bongo!”

I’m glad my year (virtual) cycling has taken me to the Congo. I can, at last, answer a question I’ve had since childhood. “Do people really drink Um Bongo in the Congo?”

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Are you an athlete or an app-lete? (Iain)

Today I rode to work. It was very cold. By the end of the ride I couldn’t feel my feet.

Winter in Scotland isn’t like other countries. They have consistent winters. It gets cold. It stays cold. Spring arrives. You can rely on it.

In Scotland, winter arrived on Monday, went away on Tuesday and came back on Wednesday. This is annoying. One day I need winter clothes but the next day was summer clothes.

Planning training is difficult as I don’t know what the weather will throw at me.

Previous winters I’d train like an athlete. Or my vision of how an athlete trains.

  • Go outdoors no matter what the condition are; and
  • laugh at anyone in a long sleeve t-shirt. Winter training should be done in the same kit as summer

This winter I’m going to train like an app-lete: indoors with a computer app telling me what to do.

The two main systems are https://www.trainerroad.com/ and https://zwift.com/.

I tried both and I chose Trainerroad. I could describe in depth how they both work, and how I made my decision, but its actually quite straightforward.

Zwift has a social aspect where you can see and hear other people as they train. Whilst using Zwift I heard one man say to his friends: “Go hard on the hill, we can regroup at the top”.

THERE IS NO HILL! IT’S A GAME! YOU DON’T NEED TO REGROUP. NONE OF YOU ARE GOING ANYWHERE. YOU’RE ALL AT HOME IN YOUR ‘PAIN CAVES’ AKA THE SPARE ROOM WHERE YOUR PARTNER COMPLAINS ABOUT THE SMELL OF SWEAT.

I thought “what a twat” and I’ve used Trainerroad ever since!

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Dumgoyne run (Iain)

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What dick would park his car and block a remembrance parade?

The brass band couldn’t get past it. The people watching and remembering couldn’t stand next to the graves.

Seriously, who would do that?

It definitely wasn’t me!

<I look round, wait till everyone leaves, get in car then drive off>

In my defence – the ‘no parking’ sign was only put up after I’d parked. I’d left my car while I ran up a local hill. When I came back, not only was my car in the way, but I was also the only one covered in mud while wearing a bright yellow fluorescent running jacket. I assume everyone guessed the car was mine…

It was a good run but I tweaked my hamstring on the way down. I’ve taken it easy this week and stuck to yoga, walking and not blocking solemn ceremonies.

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A short history of my bikes – part 7 (Iain)

Bike 7 is a summer bike which in Scotland means it’s used once a year!

It’s a Planet X Nanolight with super light carbon wheels. Its the fastest and most expensive bike I’ve ever owned which means it spends most of its time in doors as i’m too afraid to get it dirty.

I currently have it set up on a turbo trainer. Its my cuddle closet! See https://norseman2016.wordpress.com/2016/10/11/welcome-to-my-pain-cave-andrew/

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Last winter, I did my turbo sessions following a strict schedule…a TV schedule.

My training regime was

Hard Session – Channel 4’s Location, Location, Location.

Medium Session – Grand Designs.

Easy Session – George Clarke’s Amazing Spaces

I didn’t get any better at biking but I can now design my own home.

This year I’m taking training seriously. My aim is to beat Andrew at the Caledonian Etape. A feat I’ve never managed.

So I’m going to investigate Zwift (https://zwift.com/)and Trainerroad (https://www.trainerroad.com/) the two leading turbo training software companies to see which is the best home trainer. I’ll report back next time unless I get distracted working on the blueprints of my dream home!

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A short history of my bikes – part 6 (Iain)

I ask the man at the local bike shop. “I’d like to buy a bike to commute to work?”

“What type of bike are you looking for?”

“One which is so boring that nobody would ever want to steal it!”

“I have just the bike for you…”

Bike 7 was a Ridgeback velocity. There was nothing interesting about it at all until it was stolen from outside my work.

I thought the bike was safe – it was boring, it was parked in front of a security camera and it was locked.

I don’t know who stole the bike or how they got through the lock because when security reviewed the camera footage they could only see cobwebs and spiders. It seems when they bought the camera they didn’t realise just how appealing the casing covering it would be to eight legged creatures!

I thought I’d never see the bike again but about six months later I was jogging past a railway station when I spotted it chained to a bike rack.

It couldn’t be my bike. Could it?

I checked and it looked the same. It had the same mud guards, the same mark across the frame that mine had and it had mountain bike pedals. The same as I’d put on.

It had to be mine!

I called the police and asked them what to do. They sent two officers who waited at the bike for the thief to return.

A few hours later I got a call asking me to come back to the bike. When I got there they were standing with a man who looked similar to me. That man said the bike was his.

The police checked his story and it turned out he

  1. Worked in a university. Just as I do.
  2. Bought the bike on the cycle scheme.  Just like I had.
  3. Went to the same bike shop as I had.
  4. Added the same mud guards as I had.
  5. Added the same mountain bike pedals as I had.
  6. Had the same mark across the frame as it was a design flaw in the bike.
  7. But unlike me he had a serial number for the bike so the bike shop could confirm it was his.

I never saw my bike again. The most boring of bikes had the most interesting of endings!

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A short history of my bikes – part 5 (Iain)

There’s one quote I live my life by:

“If at first you don’t succeed… make sure no-one else finds out!” 

Unfortunately I told lots of people about (failing to) ride a stage of the Tour de France. https://norseman2016.wordpress.com/2016/10/24/a-short-history-of-my-bikes-part-4-iain/ 

That didn’t put me off attempting it again the next year. This time, I didn’t tell anyone!

Andrew wanted to ride his own bike but I decided to hire one so like a pauper at a whorehouse I paid for one ride only. This was bike 6. This was the first and only time I rode it.

The stage was a loop starting and ending in the Beautiful french town of Annecy. It had never been used as a Tour de France stage before so there was no information other than this map.

stage_20_tour_2013_annecy-semnoz

On the way to the start – Andrew got a puncture! Was this a sign of drama come ? Unfortunately – yes! It wouldn’t be the last time that day I’d be stuck by the side of a road repairing Andrew’s bike.

The initial section was flat and easy as it winds it way along Lake Annecy. The weather was nice and sunny so we made good progress. The first climb was a steady incline but we felt good as we reached the summit of Col de Leschaux.

After this point the road widened so we rode side by side. Occasionally Andrew would drop behind me. I didn’t worry about it as he would appear again a few minutes later but just before the next climb Andrew dropped back and then didn’t reappear!

I stopped and waited. Hundreds of riders passed me but there was no sign of Andrew.

Eventually he turned up. His gears were broken. The chain was consistently slipping off. I tried to fix it but the problem persisted. Someone else stopped to help but they couldn’t fix it either.

Andrew decided to wait for a motorbike mechanic. I decided to head on.

The rest of the race was hard. The two climbs were long and there was barely any shade from the hot sun. On one climb I was going as fast as I could but I still got passed by a Frenchman wearing sandals on a bike with a basket full of his shopping! Lance Armstrong was right when he said – its not about the bike!

I completed the stage and received my medal. It felt good but it would have been better to finish with Andrew.

Andrew was waiting for me when I got back to the Hotel. His race had been ended by the mechanical problem. The mechanic had been unable to resolve it.

If every cloud has a silver lining then Andrews would be geting back in enough time to see Andy Murray play the Wimbledon final. The one he won!

Unfortunately his cloud had no silver lining. It was thunderbolts and lightning.  The hotel wasn’t showing the tennis so he had to sit bored out of his mind waiting for me instead!

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A short history of my bikes – part 4 (Iain)

One of my ambitions in life is to appear on Channel 4’s Grand Designs. I know I’ll die happy if Kevin Macleod looks at my plan to self-build an eco-pyramid with an underground swimming pool and says: “Well, I admire your ambition!”

One of my other ambitions was to do a stage of the Tour De France. In 2012 Andrew and I signed up for “Le Tour D’etape”  a closed road sportive held every year on a stage of the Tour de France. It was a tough mountainous stage that would challenge the best cyclists. People train for years to get to the level required. I had six months and I didn’t own a road bike.

So, I purchased Bike 4. A cycle to work scheme road bike. I knew very little about bikes so I didn’t check out what gears it had – or even attempt to ride it beforehand. I bought it because I liked the colour.

All we knew about the route was this map.

profil

The stage is 197KM from Pau to Bagnères-de-Luchon over 2 Haute Categories climbs and two Cat 1 climbs. The only cat I knew about goes “miaow” so the terms meant very little to me. But, I now know HC means “holy crap – how can this road keep going up!”

Over the next 6 months we trained harder than we’d ever trained before. Looking back I can see it wasn’t even close to how hard we should have trained.

At the start of race we hoped for the best but expected the worst.We positioned ourselves in the start pen for slower riders. This was a mistake as the sweeper van leaves as soon as the last pen leaves. The slowest riders, the ones who need the most time, are the ones who get the least time.

I started cycling but disaster struck as I crossed the start line  – my pump fell off! I had to stop and go back for it. The sweeper van waited as I picked it up. I was nearly swept up before I’d even got going!

I restarted and crossed the start line successfully. Andrew hadn’t stopped so it took a while to catch up. The first section to the base of Col D’Aubesque was fine. Our speed was ok. We then hit the climb….and it the road went up and up and up and….

It took us over two hours of climbing to get to the top. It was the hardest biking I’d ever done. What did we find at the top? Nothing! The weather was so wet and cold we couldn’t see anything. Which was annoying as the previous day had been beautifully sunny and warm.

The ride down the hill was torture. I’d never free wheeled for such a long distance. The lack of moving meant my hands and body were freezing cold. By the time we reached the bottom I was F**KED!

No time for a rest as we now had to start the long climb of Tourmalet. Unfortunately the sweeper wagon wasn’t far behind us.

We did our best but got swept up on Tourmalet. If a picture paints a thousand words then this picture sums up my Etape experience.

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Looking back I can see where we went wrong – lack of fitness, preparation and knowledge but there’s one thing you can’t fault:  if asked I’m sure Kevin McLeod  would have said “Well, I admire your ambition!”

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A short history of my bikes – part 3 (Iain)

I’m at the start line of my first ever bike sportive. I look at the other riders. They’re all using road bikes. I’m on Bike 3 – a mountain bike. Oh dear – I’m the only one using a mountain bike.

It gets worse. Everyone else is wearing skin tight lycra. I have my winter jacket (as it’s cold and wet) and a pair of baggy shorts. Everyone else has clipped-in bike shoes. I’m wearing trainers.

I’m the only person using a backpack. It contains a sandwich, a 2 litre bottle of water and a map in case I get lost. It’s quite heavy.

I turn to my friend Malcolm, who’s also doing race. “I’ll be fine,” I say, “all bikes are the same!” Andrew is also here but he’s not biking. He’s acting as support in a van.

The race starts. All the other bikes pass including Malcolm. I realise all bikes are not the same. A road bike goes significantly faster than a mountain bike.

After 35 miles I reach the big climb on the route called “Bealach Na Ba.” It’s one of the few roads in Scotland that’s similar to mountain passes in the Alps, with very tight hairpin bends that switch back and forth rising from sea level to 626 metres.

I’ve never biked more than 20 miles before and I’d certainly never gone up a hill like this. Thankfully the mountain bike gears mean I overtake some people on the hill but, from the halfway point, I struggle to turn my pedals. I get off and push.

At the top I discover a film crew waiting for me. They’re filming for BBC Two Scotland’s The Adventure Show. The reporter approaches me:

– I can’t believe you’re using a mountain bike!

– It’s my only bike

I take out my water bottle to have a swig.

– You carried that all the way up the mountain?

– Yes. I thought I’d get thirsty.

– You do know the organisers supply water and food at regular stops?

I thought I had to supply everything myself! D’OH!!

The descent of the other side is great. Six miles of downhill with treacherous corners. At one corner an ambulance is tending to a rider. I think to myself how glad I am that it’s not me.

At the bottom of the hill I reach Andrew. I decide to quit the race. There’s 40 miles to go but I’m done in! I’ve achieved my race by cycling further and higher than ever before but there is no chance I’ll complete the race before the cut-off time.

We head to the finish to wait for Malcolm…and we wait…and we wait…and we….

As it gets dark there’s no sign of Malcolm. I approach the race organisers and ask if they have seen him. They go to check their list of riders. When they come back they have bad news – Malcolm was the man I passed on the mountain who was getting tended to by the ambulance.

The news gets worse. He’s been taken to hospital.The news gets even worse! The hospital isn’t in Inverness, which is close by and on our way home but Broadfoot on the Isle of Skye which is miles away and nowhere near our route home.

We head to Skye to collect him. He’s broken his collarbone after his brakes failed on the corner. The bad news is he’ll be off work for six weeks. The good news is that it coincides with the Edinburgh fringe. He can spend six weeks partying! And he can use his other arm to drink pints!