Iain

End Of Month Report: March (Iain)

My plan for March was:

  • Stirling Duathlon.
  • Alloa Half Marathon.
  • Bike (on average) 100 miles a week.
  • Run (on average) 16 miles a week including a half marathon and a 10k.
  • Do yoga at least once a week.
  • Swim twice a week.

What actually happened:

Oh well, I achieved everything but the second swim. I can’t complain about March. The weather was good and I was healthy all month.

This month’s targets:

  • The Dirty Reiver https://www.dirtyreiver.co.uk/ It’s a gravel bike race in Kielder forest. A 60 mile off-road course on gravel tracks. I’m looking forward to it as I’ve never been to this part of the Country before and I’ve heard its a beautiful spot.
  • Bike (on average) 110 miles a week.
  • Run (on average) 16 miles a week including at least one off road hilly run of an hour a week.
  • Do yoga at least once a week.
  • Swim twice a week.

I’m on holiday for two weeks so I’m looking forward to biking and running but also catching up with household chores. I have a hall that needs plastered and painted. That’ll definitely be the hardest challenge of the month. 🙂

Here’s a selection of photos from March. If you want to see more then follow me on Instagram https://www.instagram.com/imacivertodd/ 

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Stirling Duathlon (Andrew)

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Can you buy speed?

If your name’s Jarvis Cocker and you sing that you’re ‘Sorted For E’s and Whizz’ then… yes…. yes, you can.

But, if your looking for speed and not a criminal conviction for class-A narcotics, speed can be bought legally. A race bike will be faster than a BMX. A pair of trainers will be faster than welly boots. Everything you wear or use can help you go faster.

Take bikes. Every bike is different. Even if you just look at race bikes you still get bikes which are better for climbing, better for sprinting, better for comfort or better for keeping your bum dry when it’s wet. (I may have made that last catergory up, but, if it’s not a thing then Specialised or Trek should definitely make it happen. Who wants to go faster when it’s raining? You just want a dry bum!).

The Stirling Duathlon was our chance to test whether different bikes could make a difference when racing. I was using my TT bike and Iain was using an aero bike, which is the technical name for a smaller less comfy bike sold to big men on the basis they’re sore back will make them think they’re cycling harder.

A TT bike on the other hand is the technical name for a smaller less comfy bike sold to big men on the basis they’re sore back will make them think they’re cycling harder but, and this this crucial bit, they also look cooler than a normal bike because you’ve got handlebars shaped like a unicorn.

The race was on. Well, I say on, but for five minutes I kept pace with Iain before deciding to try an early break to see if he could keep up or if he’d fall away.

After five minutes I looked back and he was nowhere to be seen.

I then spent the rest of bike leg trying to go as fast as I could to make sure he didn’t catch me on the line.

Now some people (Iain) might say that I’d merely bought my speed by buying a different (faster and cooler looking) bike. But I like to think I got my speed the old fashioned way – no, not in a Lance Armstrong blood bag delivered by motorcycle courier – but through hard word, dedication, sheer grit and effective training.

Also, I had a pointy aero helmet. And it looked really, really cool. 🙂

Andrew

Diagnosis: gubbed (Andrew)

Good news and bad news from Billy Bilsland’s crack team of bike mechanics and life support unit. The bad news is that my race bike is gubbed. The good news is that my frame had a six year warranty I knew nothing about and the manufacturer will replace it for free. Woo hoo (tinged with sadness)!

I say sadness because while I’m glad I don’t have to buy a new bike I am sad to see my old bike go – though not completely. The wheels, handlebars, seat and components will be stripped and swapped to the new frame,  which sounds look a good idea – but then I start thinking it’s the bike equivalent of swapping one girl for her younger sister and then telling her to wear her older sister’s clothes before you take her for a ride.

It’ll be strange, I think, to see my new/old bike. It’ll be the same bike, the same model, but also not the same. Will it be an identical twin and I won’t notice the difference? Or will it be Danny Devito’s twin to Arnold Schwarzenegger? I’ll find out this week as I should get a call any day to tell me it’s ready to collect.

Iain

Stirling Duathlon (Iain)

dual
djuːəl/
adjective – consisting of two parts, elements, or aspects.

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Last Sunday, Andrew and I raced the Stirling Duathlon – a 10K run, 42K bike, 5K run.

I have one issue with the event. I don’t like the name: Duathlon! It confused friends and family. They all said “Shouldn’t it be a run, then bike, then stop?”

I agree – a Duathlon isn’t two things. Its three! A 10k run, a 42K bike ride and a 5K run. That’s two different runs.

I think a better name would be dryathlon – due to the lack of swimming you avoid getting wet 🙂

We’d both entered the Stirling Triathlon before. On each occasion I’d beaten Andrew. I therefore hoped to do it again – but Andrew cheated! He brought his time trial bike. He also brought his “twat hat”, which he prefers to call an aero helmet.

This is mechanical doping! The bike is the mechanical bit and the dope is the man in the pointy helmet riding it.

I knew my chances of winning had diminished.

10k Run (50 min)

The run is 4 laps of Stirling university campus. There’s a wee hill that provides a short sharp shock to the system. During lap 1 I thought to myself “This hill isn’t as bad as I remember.” During lap 4 I thought “Does this f$%ing hill ever f$%ing end!”

42K Bike (1hr 26 min)

Within a mile of the start Andrew shot past me. His more aerodynamic position and ice cream cone for a helmet gave him an advantage. I tried to keep up but couldn’t. The course is two loops of the Ochil hills. I did both my loops in the exact same time. I may not be quick but I am consistent.

5K Run (26 min)

It was another two loops of the hill which meant I had to pass Andrew twice. On both occasions he reminded me how far ahead he was. Spotting his smiling face twice was worse than the f%$king hill!

Overall

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My aim was to run the first 10k in 50 minutes, the bike in less than 90 minutes and the last run in less than 30 minutes. I achieved all three so I’m happy with that.

On the day the best Todd won but I’m still leading the Todd championship! The next round of this prestigious event will be the Dirty Reiver race in April.

PS – Is a running event a monoathalon?

PPS – free beer at the finish 🙂

Iain

Alloa Half Marathon (Iain)

I ran last year’s Alloa half marathon in 1 hour 41 minutes. This year, I completed it in 1 hour 46 minutes. Five minutes slower! What went wrong? What is the difference between this year and last?

It’s Andrew’s fault! This was the first time I’d ran the race alongside him. In previous years I’d run it by myself.

The main difference is that Andrew chats to me as we runs. After listening to him throughout the race  I can conclusively say that not only is his chat boring but it also has a drag effect of 23 seconds per mile 🙂

The race was enjoyable but I was tired after biking a lot during the week. I’d not have been any quicker even without the Andrew Drag Effect .

The highlight of the run was spotting this guy

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“Leven Las Vegas” is the best name for a running club in Scotland. I can claim this because I’ve just spent ten minutes trawling through club names on the Scottish Athletics website. Most clubs are very boringly named. I’m looking at you <insert name of town here> running club. Which is what most seem to be called.

So, next year at Alloa, I want to see some clubs raise their name game and wear club vests with a bit of personality.

Here’s some sugeestions

The Skyes the limit running club

The Perth, wind and fire running club

The Tain green bottles sitting on a wall running club

I could do this all day!

The Clydebank robbers running club

The Kinlochleven on a jet plane, don’t know when I’ll be back again running club

Ok – I’ll stop now! 🙂

 

 

Andrew, Race Report

Race report – Alloa Alloa (Andrew)

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alloa

Listen carefully, I will say this only once: I’ve never wanted to run the Alloa half marathon. Two reasons:

  1. There’s a five mile long straight.
  2. There’s a five mile long straight!

(Except for 50 metre kink in the middle where you run down a street then run up it again).

I like drunk running, the kind that doesn’t involve any straight lines. I like scary movie running, the kind that promises a surprise around every corner. I don’t want to see where I’m going for the next half an hour as I move forward in a long line of other people all going in the same direction. That’s not running, that’s high energy queueing.

This year I had no choice. I had to run the Alloa half marathon because the race I wanted to run – the Balloch to Clydebank half marathon  last weekend – was cancelled due to construction work at the finish line. I had to run something in March and this was the next race on.

Iain’s run it before. His description wasn’t promising.

“See that five mile stretch?”

“Yes.”

“It’s horrible when it’s straight into the wind – also it’s hillier than you think.”

“I thought it was flat?”

“It’s not.”

“Damn.”

And he was right. The race isn’t flat, the first three miles are uphill, the tenth mile features a long climb to a roundabout. Even the flat section is a slight rise. It wasn’t fun. Not as a first race. Not when the Balloch to Clydebank half is largely down hill and breaks you in gently to the year.

On the plus side. The race is very well organised with water stations roughly every two miles and roads closed and traffic managed so that it feels like you’re on a closed course.

It’s also very popular with nearly 3,000 runners. We had to queue to get into Alloa. And not a high energy queue, we had to queue bumper to bumper as runners tried to get to the start on time.

It was the same story on the way out. Not that it’s a surprise that people would queue to get out of Alloa. It’s the kind of town that inspires people to leave…

Despite heavy legs and a couple of breaks to stretch off a tight back, I was pleased with my time. 1 hour 47 minutes – 1 hour 48 if you include the time it took to switch off Strava, which I don’t… 🙂

For a first race, and a thought that I wasn’t running that fast, it turned out to be faster than I expected. I only checked my time on the last mile and was surprised it was just over 1 hour 40 minutes and not closer to 1 hour 50 minutes.

A good start even if Iain did win after running off when I stopped for an energy gel at seven miles. Energy gel breaks don’t count for time, do they? If not, I’m sure I won…

Finally, a warning…

I spotted on the Alloa website a warning that anyone wearing headphones would not be covered by insurance and that headphone wearers ran at their own risk. When I was on my own I switched on a podcast and I have a warning too. Don’t listen to Russell Brand’s Under The Skin podcast about politics, economics and social theory when running. Big words don’t make you run faster

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Diagnosis + 8 days

Day 8 and still no news from intensive care. Specialists from Germany have been called. No one will tell me anything. I don’t think they even know themselves what’s wrong.

It started with a simple check up. In and out in 20 minutes. Then they said I’d have to wait. Then they said “Go home”. Then they called and said: “We’ve found a crack!”

“What does that mean?” I asked.

“It means there’s no point you coming back today. Maybe ever. There’s maybe nothing we can do. We’re sorry. You should prepare yourself for the worse.”

And so I stumble from day to day not knowing what will happen next. Waiting for the specialists to finish their checks. Could this be… the end?

B*****rds!

Damn you, bike mechanics of Billy Bilsland, my bike has so much to live for – don’t let it die!

Pray for my bike, people, pray for a miracle while there’s still time!

[sob]

Andrew

Toilet Talk (Andrew)

Every runner has got changed in a toilet cubicle. The toilet cubicle is to runners what telephone boxes are to Superman. And, just like Superman, we come out with our pants on wrong.

Changing in a cubicle is difficult. Not only do you have to get legs and arms out of jeans and jumpers, you have to do all that without touching the floor. Or at least any part of the floor that doesn’t look scrupulously clean.

You do the ‘wee wee’ dance. Jigging on the spot, swapping one foot and another on the one bit of the floor that’s dry.

Or you stand on your shoes. Using your shoes as a barrier between you and the ‘flood’.

And you do all that while trying to pack clothes away and take out your t-shirt and shorts without dropping them – or even let them touch! – on the toilet or the floor.

It should be an Olympic sport – toilet changing. It has all the contortions of gymnastics and the high beam with all the danger of the swimming pool, another place with lots of wee.

I was thinking about the problems with changing in the toilet this week as… well…  I had problems changing in the toilet.

I’d walked Barney the dog at Whitelee wind farm. My wife was driving home and I thought it would be fun to run the 10 miles back. It’s almost all downhill so it’s a good long easy run.

First, I would have to get changed. So, I popped into the toilets at the vistor’s centre next to the wind farm.

As I was getting changed, a father and son came in. They went into the cubicle next to me. I could hear the father tell his son it was time for a “big boy toilet” and I sincerely hoped his son was a small child and not a fully grown man or this could get really awkward.

I tried not to listen. But they were loud and I could hear the father talk his son through using the toilet. I kept changing, doing the ‘wee wee’ dance before, almost ready, I hit my elbow on the toilet roll holder. It was loose and it had three toilet rolls on it. One active, two spare.

A roll fell.

And rolled.

And disappeared into the cubicle next door.

The son said loudly: “Daddy, should we return it?”

The father said “Yes, in a second”.

And I said nothing.

What could I say? If I said I didn’t need it they might wander why not. What kind of weirdo goes into a toilet and doesn’t need something to wipe? I could offer an explanation. But I didn’t think this was the time to go into the merits of toilet changing. So, instead, I said nothing

Because saying nothing is less awkward than saying something.

Because there’s nothing less awkward than a silent man. In a toilet cubicle. When everyone knows he’s there.

I had do to something. I had to… I know… get changed really, really quickly and leave before they got out! So quickly that –

– BANG!

I hit my shoulder off the cubicle wall. And, worse, my foot had slipped, and I’d touched the floor.

“F**K!”

Silence.

Awful silence.

Now, not only had I lost my roll, I was now banging savagely on the walls and screaming obscenities.

I did the only thing I could do.

I stood absolutely stock still until I heard the door open, the toilet flush, the taps run and I was absolutely sure they’d left.

Then I waited five minutes more.

It was the least awkward thing to do.

 

Iain, Uncategorized

This boy can’t… (Iain)

#thisgirlcan is a social media campaign encouraging women to participate in sporting activities. Women are encouraged to tweet/facebook/instagram tales of sporting success (no matter how big or small) so that other women will be inspired.

It’s a great campaign and I recommend you check out the website: http://www.thisgirlcan.co.uk/

Would men benefit from a similar campaign? In my opinion, probably not – men do not have to be encouraged to brag. We’ve all written a blog post about an amazing training session or event, we’ve all gone into work and said how we smashed a bike/run/swim course at the weekend.   Did it inspire people? No, it probably bored them. Nobody likes hearing about success unless it’s their own.

So instead I’ve an idea that I think can inspire men. Let me be the first to say #thisboycant

Because I’ve learnt more through failing at sport than succeeding.

So join me as I admit:

#thisboycant snowboard –  I fell over during the first hour of a five day ski holiday while on the training slope. I accidentally punched myself in the chest. I broke my rib. I haven’t felt that bad after a punch since the last time I went to a house party and drank from a fruit bowl.

#thisboycant play rugby –  I was told by my coach that with correct technique I could tackle anyone. That was a lie. I tackled a man twice my size. My technique was perfect. I ended up concussed. I was more wiped out than the Labour vote at the next general election (oooh. A little bit of politics!)

#thisboycant cycle on the track – I attended four track session. On the test day another cyclist crashed into a wall above me. His bike slid down the track into mine. I fell off, hitting the ground hard. I bashed my head and lost skin on my arm. I looked so bad I was mistaken for the Elephant man.

#thisboycant rock climb – I went to a climbing center. I had to attach the rope to my harness in two places. I attached it to just one. I fell off the wall. Luckily the one place holding the rope was strong enough to break my fall. Unfortunately that one place was my crotch. The instructor said it took balls to survive a fall like that. It certainly did!

I learnt something from each of these failures. I learnt I don’t have to be good at sport to enjoy taking part.

So when people ask me whether they should attempt an event be it running/biking/triathlon? I say, YES! I can’t do it but I’ve never let that stop me so it shouldn’t stop you either 🙂

The next time you write a blog/tweet etc think about writing about something you can’t do.

Andrew

Cracking up (Andrew)

“Hello.”

“Is that Andrew?”

“Yes.”

“This is the man from the bike shop.”

“Hello.”

“I just wanted to let you know…”

My bike was ready to be picked up. My good bike. My race steed. My carbon fibre beauty that only needs a new chain, some lube and a little servicing and love after hibernating over Winter and now preparing to face the sunny promise of Spring?

“… we’ve found a crack.”

“As in the drug?”

“As in your frame.”

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

“We’re going to phone the manufacturer and we’ll let you know next week what we can do next.”

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

“Mr Todd , are you still there?”

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, NOT MY BIKE!

[To be continued]