The UK coronavirus lockdown was the perfect opportunity to learn to play a musical instrument, or learn a language, or work on art. I spent it scrolling through twitter.

The Dalai Lama doesn’t do twitter so he turned to music.

Which was one of the few record this year that Elton John did not appear on. He turned up on Lady Gaga’s album, Ozzie Osbourne’s album and the Gorrilaz. He also released his own songs. He was more prevalent than Covid.

I’ve never been a fan of Elton. I can appreciate his piano playing and meoldies but I think his voice sounds like a horny elephant bellowing for a mate. Take this song for example. It has excellent production, a good melody and then out of nowhere Sir Dumbo roars. Its the sort of collaboration record where I don’t believe the two of them have ever met. After listening to it they’ll probably never want to either.

Sex was a recurring theme of 2020. Some of the biggest hits featured lyrics that would be more appropriate to Playboy magazine than the top 40. WAP by Cardi B is about as subtle as punch in the face, followed by a kick in the baws and then a boot up the bum.

Has this song any redeeming features? None. If a man sang this explicitly, the song would be banned for being offensive. Because its performed by women, the song is classed as empowering. If hell had an elevator this would be the lift music.

My song of the year goes to a record released in 2019 – smoke by Headie-One. I include it in the best of 2020 because until earlier this year Headie was in jail. His song may not have been released in 2019 but he was.

It is the complete contrast to the glamour, money and cartoonish nature of WAP. Smoke is about real-life. It’s gritty, violent and mournful. The album reflects on his upbringing and his imprisonment. Great art is eternal. This time next year WAP will be forgotten but Smoke is a record that will sound just as good 20 years from now.

Honorable Mentions

Best song that mentions running

Best Pop Song

April

This was the month Celtman was cancelled. Which came as a relief to me. I’d been ill for a few weeks and and I had not been able to train.The only exercise I do this month is walk. I don’t feel back to full health until May.

I may have had Covid. Before I fell ill I’d visited a friend. They had Covid but they didn’t know. They got it at a spaghetti bolognese party. Yes, you have read that correctly. A spaghetti bolognese party. A party where everyone share food, cutlery and (unknowingly) Covid. The organizers of the party had just come back from a ski trip to a Covid hit region of northern Italy. The organizers and some other guests were subsequently diagnosed with covid.

I will never know if that is what I had it but it seems likely.

The month starts with Keir Stammer being elected leader of the Labour party. I hope he keeps his job on googlebox.

Due to covid I receive a refund from HMRC which can be used to help with expenses. Thanks HMRC, I used it wisely.

I want to know more about this.

Covid discussions took a turn to the weird. I was watching Good Morning Briton and spotted ex England manager and top shagger Sven Goran Erickson as an expert. What next? Neil Lennon explains Herd immunity. Derek Mcinnes discusses social distancing?

I worked at home all month but made a mistake and accidentally orders some servers to be delivered to my house than my office. I had to explain to my my insurance company that I had £80K of computer equipment in my living room.

May

My Granny declared covid is worse than World War 2 because “During the war you could at least get a cup of tea with your neighbours”

I think she has forgotten about the part of the war where Nazis dropped bombs on her.

After weeks of lockdown I find I’m bored of covid. The early stuff was new and exciting but now it’s the same old symptoms rolled out week after week. I decide to move onto newer more exciting viruses like dengue fever. I’ll be a diseases hipster.

I have 20+ years of IT experience managing and building complex systems. So you can guess the first request I get within two minutes of returning to the my office. “Can you switch my PC on and off?”

It was nice to return to the office and see a reminder of the good old days when I only had to be afraid of people who’d been on holiday recently

Lockdown lifts at the end of May. One of the fun things I did whilst stuck at home was film a YouTube series with my wife. It was hard work to create/shoot/edit 10 minutes every week. I don’t know how Monty Don does it every week.

June

My favourite bit of Lockdown was when someone posted on my local Facebook group “Why is the farmers field got so much rubbish in it? When will the council force him to tidy it up? It is an eyesore! Anyone can drive up and tip their crap into the field. Nothing happens! There is no punishment for doing this”

Which most people read as “Easy to access rubbish dump now available! You won’t even get in trouble!” The next day the field was full of crap. Thanks Facebook

June saw more and more people escaping lock-down and returning to more normal activities although people kept adding the phrase “socially distanced” to whatever they did ie “I went for a run with a friend…socially distanced.” “I met my mum for lunch…socially distanced.”

You didn’t need to add “socially distanced” to describe exercise/activity you did with other people. You had and still have to socially distance when you are with people. Its the law. Everyone is doing it. If you are going to mention a law you are not breaking then mention other laws you aren’t breaking too. “I went for a run. I didn’t rob a bank” or “My mum and dad visited. I haven’t seen them in 8 weeks. We spent the time avoiding committing treason” or “I met another household. We didn’t exchange plants from other countries as that is a breach or the customs regulations related to horticulture.”

At the end of the month I was allowed to travel home to Stornoway to visit my mum….socially distanced.

If I was to describe the ways BIRDS OF PREY (AND THE FANTABULOUS EMANCIPATION OF ONE HARLEY QUINN) is one of the worst films ever made I’d never publish this post as it would go on and on and on and on…

Don’t even think about watching it

What did I say? DON’T EVEN THINK ABOUT WATCHING IT!

Dave Lee is a fool.

2020 was not a great year for films. I’ve struggled to come up with a list of films I’ve enjoyed watching. The coronavirus lockdown has meant there has been very few good films released. I did venture out to see one of the only blockbusters released – Tenet. I won’t spoil it by giving my opinion on it as Andrew hasn’t seen it yet.

2020 saw the loss of of one of my childhood heroes and one of cinema’s biggest stars – Sean Connery

Years ago, I met Sean Connery. And by “met Sean” I mean I was in the same cinema as him. We were both at a film premiere. Sean sat down in front of me and then promptly fell asleep for the whole film. Afterwards I saw him on TV saying how much he enjoyed it! That was good acting.

As I can’t think of any particularly good films, here’s some TV I enjoyed.

Best Drama – Guilt

Guilt is the darkly comic tale of two brother who accidently kill a man whilst driving back from a night out. It’s much funnier than the premise suggests and at only 4 episodes long it doesn’t over do the concept. A lean, mean thrilling machine.

The writer of the show is the man who created Bob Servant. A very funny comic creation – a burger man from Dundee with delusions of grandeur. If you don’t find his tweets funny then you and I can never be friends.

Best Documentary – The Rise of the Murdoch Dynasty

A four part documentary detailing how Murdoch came to rule the world of newspapers in the UK. The interviews are varied and balanced and it shows clearly who he has earned peoples loyalty and respect as well as why people fear him. It is beautifully shot and edited with the production values of a Hollywood film.

Best Show of 2020 – The Real Marigold Hotel

A spin off of the hit film about pensioners finding love and adventure in a ramshackle Indian hotel shouldn’t work. It sounds like an idea Alan Partridge would pitch to the BBC. “Monkey tennis…but with pensioners”

But in a time where people are no longer allowed to gather together, a show about strangers living together, discovering common interests with each other and learning how to challenge how they previously lived is the sort of life affirming show 2020 needed.