The problem with returning to the office after working from home for 18 months is forgetting that your Spotify account has an “explicit content” button. After 18 months of listening to whatever I wanted at home I would switch on the Office Alexa and listen to whatever I want at the office too. Most times it’s a playlist, something I think everyone will like with words like “upbeat”, “classics” or “big hits” in the title. Something where it’s more than likely, at some point in the day, you’ll hear “Mr Brownside” by the Killers unless…. you forget to switch off “explicit content… and halfway though a discussion with accounts about employee share options you hear Jarvis Cocker’s “C***s are Ruling The World.”

So, for this year’s best song I offer a warning. This is not for the office. Nor are any of her other songs. But, for sheer explicit what if Pornhub had a soundtrack album, then check out Ayesha Erotica. This is one of her tamer trackers.

Honourable mention: Syko’s ‘#BrooklynBloodPop!’

If you prefer something lighter and more family friendly like, I don’t know, death. Then this year was a great year for albums that it’s really better not knowing how they came about before listening to them. First up, and my second best album of the year, is For Those I Love’s ‘For Those I Love’, an album created in grief about grief and as far from Ayesha Erotica as the idea of the Queen singing “WAP”.

Honourable mention: The Anchoress’s ‘The Art of Losing’

After those albums you may want something less fraught and filled with despair and you can always count on Country to deliver a sheer OTT bonkers happy song that doesn’t do anything other than say “ain’t it great to get… DRUNK ON A PLANE”.

But for best song and best album of the year there was only one choice. And no, not Sufjan Stevens like every other, even though I do recommend ‘A Beginner’s Mind’, it’s Sam Fender’s ‘Seventeen Going Under’, an album that almost rivals Ayesha Erotica for it’s use of sax.

Honourable mentions: Self Esteem’s ‘Prioritise Pleasure’, Bicep ‘Isles’, Dennison Winter ‘American Foursquare’, The KLF, ‘Solid State Logik’, Low ‘HEY WHAT’, the Dune soundtrack, the original cast album of Urinetown and JARV IS ‘Beyond The Pale’

The best thing that can be said about movies in 2021 is that it was a better year than 2020! Which is mainly because all the good films that were supposed to come out in 2020 were delayed to this year.

Cinemas reopened in the spring and the first film I saw was Nobody. A film about a middle aged man kicking ass.. My wife thought it was rubbish. I thought it was great. I think the film was more aimed at me than her.

The budget film of the year goes to Werewolves Within. A fun b movie with a tiny budget. Which means the werewolf is barely seen in the film. It shows what you can do if you have a good plot and likable lead actors.

Justice League is one of the worst superhero films ever made. It is therefore surprising to discover that Zack Snyder’s Justice League is one of the best. If anyone is unsure what a Director does then watch both versions of this film. You will see how two directors made two different films out of the same material.

For pure fun and happiness you can’t beat Free Guy. I recommend this film to lots of folk. They all said “I’m not watching that, it looks terrible” but once they watch it they say “It was actually great”. Watch it and you will see I’m correct.

And the best thing I saw in the Cinema was Dune. The plot is a bit clunky but it doesn’t matter. Every shot deserves to be seen on as big a screen as possible. Its a beautifully shot space opera that shows why films should be watched in the cinema not at home.

DNF – Did Not Finish is available to order now… https://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/B09KTCL3G6

Is is our story of 20 years swimming, biking and running. Every one of our results tells a story, even the races we did not finish.

It is a story about finding the joy in racing whether you come first or last.

It contains stories such as ….

“It is a very common belief that twins, especially identical twins, are united by a strong bond of sympathy that each knows when danger or misfortune threatens the other, even when they are separated.”

A few years ago, I did an experiment so see whether this statement was true – would I feel anything if Andrew was in pain or in danger?

We did it in a very scientific way – we formed a comedy double act. Like a teuchter Ant and Dec but without their comedy timing, jokes or ability. We were so bad the only TV shows we could have hosted would’ve been Britain’s Got No Talent, or I’m Not a Celeb Leave Me Right Here.

I admit that this was not the best idea I’ve ever had. But I did have a genius idea for a joke. An idea that couldn’t fail – we’d do an experiment on stage where I’d get an audience member to hit Andrew with a rolled up newspaper whilst I looked away. I would then try to guess where upon his body he’d been struck. I thought it would be comedy slapstick gold…It wasn’t.

To test the idea out we went to a poetry night that allowed a bit of comedy because I reasonably thought nothing bad can happen at a poetry night.

When it came to our turn, we stood up and proceeded to tell a few gentle gags to get the audience warmed up. The audience laughed and applauded but as they’d just spent 90 minutes listening to poetry I think they would have applauded anything that wasn’t more poetry.

I stepped forward and asked for a volunteer from the audience. No one volunteered so I looked around the room and saw a man sitting by himself. He looked harmless enough. This was mistake number one – a man by himself at a poetry night must be a solid gold mental rocket of the highest order.

I invited him on stage and realized he was bigger than I thought. He was built like a rugby player. He was also a bit drunk. No worries – I’ll just continue the show. I handed him the newspaper and asked him to roll it up. This was mistake number 2 – never hand a man a weapon and ask him to load it himself. He rolled it very tight. So tight it was now stronger than a wooden baton.

I looked at Andrew. I could see fear in his eyes. I looked at the audience member. I could see violence in his eyes. I did what any loving brother would do. I turned to the man and said “I’m going to look away. Hit my brother as hard and wherever you like!”

This was mistake number three – I shouldn’t have turned my back on the scene of the crime.

I shouted, “Hit him”.

There was silence and then a large THWACKKKK sound before more silence….like the silence you get after a nuclear bomb has detonated but the blast hasn’t reached you yet. Then the audience gasped….Andrew screamed. He’d been hit so hard in the balls he was now my twin sister rather than brother.

If I was psychic, I would have felt something. I felt nothing. The audience member hit Andrew again. THWACKKKK….SCREAM…THWACKKKKK, THWACKKK….SCREAM! Each time he was hit I felt nothing.

As Andrew lay on the floor writhing in pain. His crown jewels having been pulverized. I asked myself “Are twins psychic?”

The answer is No.

We started a book club at work. The first book was ‘The Book Club’, a book about a book club targeted by a murderer. I wasn’t sure if I was joining a like minded group of literary enthusiasts or getting a big hint about what someone really thought about us.

The Book Club was crap, the murderer’s motive was to get revenge after they had to walk up stairs while their intended victim had stopped the lift for rumpy puppy with an office affair. All I could think about was office layout. How many floors do you need to have in your office to have a single lift which would still make sense to walk the stairs and not just wait for it to be fixed? Twenty floor would be too many floors to walk. But would 10? What about five? But would you stop a lift for five floors to get frisky? The rest of the book didn’t make sense but when the foundations of your story rely on modern office design, I’m not sure you have a great story to begin with.

Maybe it should have just embraced the illogicalities of it all. Just like my book of the year ‘The KLF: Chaos, Magic and the Band who Burned a Million Pounds’ by John Higgs. A book that confirms that when the band, the KLF, burned one million pounds in the early 1990s, it was the culmination of a series of event linking the anti-christ Alastair Crowley, the illuminati and the quest to write the best pop song ever written. Or it might just because they were dicks who didn’t know what they were doing. And the difference between these stories makes a fascinating read, whether you know anything about the KLF or not.

Buy it here: Amazon

Honourable mentions: Did I mention we have a book out? ‘DNF: Did Not Finish’? I think we might have mentioned it at least once…

The problem with releasing a book, and this year we also had ‘The Sound of Football’, is that it doesn’t give much time to read anything else as I must have read both of these at least twenty times, and some parts even more. So, the fact I’m still recommending them must say something about good they are? 🙂

Buy DNF here: Amazon

Buy The Sound of Football here: Amazon

And if you’re looking for non-TwinBikeRun reccomendations then I’d point you in the direction of Robert Galbraith’s ‘Troubled Blood’ for a novel by a woman who pretends to be a man but is hated because she has strong views about men who want to be woman, Louis Sachar’s ‘Holes’ for the chapter about the onions and Peter Bill’s ‘Planet Property’ if you want to read a good book about property.

Every year, Spotify members can download a report detailing how they used the service. This is what mine shows.

What does the report reveal about me ? It reveals that my wife has figured out my Spotify password! I don’t listen to any of these songs. These are one’s she likes!!

So Here’s a list of the tunes I preferred listening to this year.

The prize for best vocal performance goes to this performance by Bruno Mars.

The Prize for best song by a band big in the 90’s goes to The Divine Comedy

And my favorite song of the year goes to Macklemore with “Next Year” which is as catchy and simple as pop music should be.

My first attempt at this event did not go well. You can read about it here

Glentress Winter Trail Race 21K (Iain)

My last attempt at the race was better…

Glentress Trail Race (Iain)

I haven’t done much training since completing Dramathon but I was confident the little I had done would get me through the race.

Its a long drive to Glentress from my house. Its even longer when Andrew phones the night before the race and asks for a lift from his house. I had to set off 40 minutes earlier than planned so I had time to pick him up.

He claimed he knew the fastest way there but his “shortcut” took us all the way south until we saw a sign saying “Welcome to England” and then all the way back north again.

We took my way back and saved about 40 minutes driving!

Annoyingly, despite signing up for the race in August, there was no record of my entry. I had to quickly find proof on my phone before I was able to start. Which would have been fine if I hadn’t left my phone in the car, a mile away from registration. I had to quickly run back and get the info.

The race was enjoyable. The weather was damp but it was warm enough to run in shorts and t-shirts. The first six miles is mostly up hill. There was some congestion on the climbs but it wasn’t as bad as the last time I did it.

Towards the end I bumped into a fellow glasgow triathlon club member. I said “Only one hill to go – the wee climb at the finish” She replied – “They aren’t doing that this year. The finish has been moved”

I’m glad she mentioned it as I’d have gone the wrong way at the finish if I had not known.

The new finish was flat across a field. Which wasn’t as interesting as the old finish. The last wee climb made the finish line feel sweeter but I’m guessing they aren’t allowed to use the road at the finish line so they had to move it.

A fun day out. Check out the February edition – https://www.highterrainevents.co.uk/glentress-trail-race

and check out https://www.coltmans.co.uk/ for post race food. Delicious baking and sweets.

Can Will Smith lose 20lbs in 20 weeks? It’s an interesting challenge but not one that is at all relatable because Will Smith is not an ordinary man, or a professional athlete, he is a SUPERSTAR.

And being a superstar means that this challenge comes with a massive ‘but’. Does anyone other than Chris Pratt, Chris Evans or Chris Pine or any other modern action star not called Chris have access to a home gym, swimming pools, trainers and personal psychiatrist to help them achieve their weight loss goal?

I’d have like to see a video where Will Smith joins his local weight watchers and has to make to do with a DVD of Davina McCall for inspiration.

But… if you ignore the fact he is a superstar and everything about this has been through his PR team, it’s quite enjoyable because, well, it’s Will Smith and he’s a superstar for a reason. He knows how to entertain.

I’d planned to swim on Findhorn Beach, but six foot high rollers and a dozen birdwatchers changed my mind. While the fierce waves gave me second thoughts about venturing out into the water, the thought that risking swimming in those conditions would be captured by a dozen twitchers with foot-long zoom lenses ready to take a photo of my imminent demise was more than I could take.

Not that the birdwatchers were that interested in being there. When I saw them gather, I asked one of them. “Are you here to see anything in particular?”

He just shrugged and said “just some boring migrating birds.”

I wasn’t sure whether to be impressed by his disdain for his own hobby or to be saddened by the fact he was standing on a beach in November and didn’t even want to be there.

I did want to be there though having spent the day driving north from Glasgow and looking forward to a quick swim at the end of my journey. After going to the beach, I decided to drive to the south bank of Findhorn instead and swim in the sheltered bay beside the town. I wondered if it would be too public a spot for swimming. I was parking on the ‘Main Street’ and would be changing in front of people’s homes.

I shouldn’t have worried. While I was parking two others arrived to swim too and, when I went down to the water, another was already swimming. I shouldn’t have been worried about whether to swim. Instead I should have been worried about finding a space to swim.

Ease of Access: https://goo.gl/maps/vkcjfRm5cx6dYWt7A Park on the left hand side as near as you can to the Kimberley Inn.

Water quality: Shallow at the edge of the bay in high tide. Clear water and very calm even when the beach itself is not.

Swim Quality: Very good. Just watch out for trailing ropes between the shore and boats in the bay.

Other People: You’re swimming right beside a street with homes and two bars so expect company.

Would I go back: Yes. It wouldn’t be my first choice for a long swim but it was great for a short safe swim.

Does Sir Chris Hoy have to pay to work out in the Sir Chris Hoy Velodrome? Does Olympic swimming champion Adam Peaty have to find 20p for a locker when he pops into Uttoxeter Leisure Centre’s Adam Peaty Swimming Pool? Because otherwise what’s the point of having a sport centre named after you if you can’t get in for free?

Whether Sir Chris has to pay or not, he might first ask himself if he really wants to ride the cycling track in the velodrome? I assume after five gold medals and 15 year career racing in velodromes that the answer will probably be “yes, I, Sir Chris Hoy, gold medal winning track cyclist and one of Britain’s greatest Olympians will ride the track!” but, as he now spends more time racing cars, maybe he’s scunnered and doesn’t want to go anywhere near a 45 degree sloping wall?

I know how he feels.

The fear of a 45 degree sloping wall, not the whole being one of the greatest athletes in the world.

I thought it would be great to learn how to ride in the velodrome. It would give an opportunity to ride indoors during winter months and to learn a new skill: dangerous balancing. See also tight rope walking for more examples of dangerous balancing.

In order to start at the velodrome I had to complete four induction courses. You can find more details of them here: Velodrome

However I quickly realised that I didn’t have what it takes to ride in a circle again and again and again.

It wasn’t the steep walls. After the first couple of circuits it felt natural to ride the steep banks. It wasn’t other riders, though having seen one accident – Iain TwinBikeRun describe it here Welcome to the Velodrome (Iain) – I wasn’t keen to see another. It was actually a single thought that stopped me going back. That thought was this: “What if I get a puncture?”

You can’t ride a bike without getting a puncture. It’s as much a part of riding as wobbling and pretending to fall off is a part of tight rope walking.

And there’s nothing you could do if you get a puncture while riding 10 foot up a track.

Now you could say that all life is a risk and that at any moment a bolt of lightning could shatter a peaceful blue sky and strike you dead, which is true. Life is filled with randomness. But that doesn’t mean I need to be standing in the middle of a field waving a long metal stick while shouting “Everyone knows the Good Lord smells!”

Which, in my mind, is the same thing as riding a bike on a velodrome track waiting for the inevitable puncture.

It wasn’t for me.

Maybe it’s for you.

The induction is well run, felt safe and was fun. I’d definitely recommend trying it – but it just wasn’t for me.