One of my aims in India was to run 5km in every place I visited. Kolkata was tricky because the roads are very busy and the pavement is so crowded there is very little room to walk, let alone run.
Thankfully my hotel was near a park within jogging distance of the Victoria memorial.
I headed out early before the traffic got bad and before the pavements became too busy.
As I jogged I passed signs for the half marathon and full marathon. I’d like to know how this was done as there wasn’t any free space for a 100m race let alone a long distance event. I didn’t see any other joggers out so I’ve no idea how people train for the race.
The park was full of cricket matches which meant I had to watch carefully for flying cricket balls.
The route around the memorial was a mile. I did it clockwise and anti-clockwise to add enough distance to get to 5k
Ease of running score – 5/10 (but only if I run before 8am)
* I also had to continuously watch my footing even on the pavements as the surface is very uneven
Sights 9/10 – the park is full of interesting things. Cricket/football/herds of goats…
The yoga instructor was a very tall youthful looking man of 61 years of age. His babyish features and height weren’t the most striking thing about his appearance. That was his dyed bright orange hair. Very similar in color to Iru Bru. I immediately nicknamed him Irn Guru.
I wasn’t sure what to expect from my first Indian yoga class. He seemed quite chilled out, I thought it might be very relaxed. I was wrong
He started off by getting us to raise our right arms above our heads before bringing them back down.
“One!” He barked.
“Repeat!” He hollered.
I put my right arm back up and then took it down.
“Two !” He shouted.
I repeated the action.
“Three!” He screamed.
This continued until he got to ten. I hoped it was over but he said “Now do the left arm”
One! Two! Etc
This militarist countdown continued for every pose except one of the later ones. He made me contract my stomach muscle whilst whooping out air from my mouth. It sounds quite easy but it’s actually quite hard. I looked forward to him reaching ten but he didn’t stop. He kept going pass twenty then thirty then forty before, thankfully, stopping at fifty.
He then shouted, “shivasna” and we all got a rest. It only lasted 30 seconds before he screamed “do it again!”
By this point I was tired, hot and sweaty. He must have noticed as he gave us all a two minutes meditation break. I mediated about how sore my stomach muscles were.
After the class I asked him what type of yoga it was. His reply: “easy yoga.”
Open shop and wait for a foreigner to pass by. Engage them in conversation
Say “Hello”
You will probably be ignored. Don’t let this out you off.
Say “Hello, my friend”
You might get a look back. Press ahead with a question.
Ask “Where are you from?”
If they answer your onto a winner. Reel them in!
Say “I love <wherever you’re from>”
Tell them about a random friend/relative who’s been there.
Ask “How long you been in Kolkata?”
They are now susceptible to your charm. Time to make money.
State “You must come to my shop!”
Demand “I want you to see my shop!”
Say nicely “Not to buy. Just to see”
Add “It’ll make me so happy if you just see my shop”
Once they get in your shop lead them upstairs so it’s harder for them to get away. Offer them tea. They are more likely to buy if you keep them there for a while
I realised all this as I sat upstairs in a shop trying to work out how to leave! It was tricky as there were two men. One doing the selling and one confidently blocking the stairs. The one doing the selling wanted to sell us a very expensive statue of Ganesh the elephant god. Nic said she’d buy one but only if it was tiny and cheap.
He showed us a small wooden Ganesh. “A great piece. Perfect for the home. It’ll make you money so it’ll easily pay for itself – you can’t lose!” he claimed.
Then the top of Ganesh’s head fell off.
Quick as a flash, the man said, “that is a feature. You can use it to put an umbrella on him!”
“It’s broken!”
“No he’s now an umbrella holder. Very useful feature.”
“It’s broken. Show me another one.”
He gets another. The top doesn’t fall off.
I ask why this one doesn’t have the umbrella feature.
“It does. You just have to pull his head hard.”
“You mean break it?”
His friend says “yes”.
I admired the friend’s entrepreneurial spirit but both of them realized they’d been rumbled at that point!
The British ruled India for 200 years. The British love queuing so, unsurprisingly, do Indians. Queues started before I even arrived in the country. As the plane descended, just before it touched down, one man got up and got his luggage from the overhead locker.
He wanted to be first off the plane and first into the immigration queue.
I thought how slow can the queue be that you’d risk life and limb to avoid it.
I had an electronic visa which theoretically meant I should get through the queue quickly. Or at least that’s what I thought.
One of of the questions on the form asked me “Are you a tourist? Have you committed a war crime? Are you a criminal?”
I’m no sure how useful these questions are. Surely, if I can answer “yes” to any of those options, I’d also answer yes to “do you lie on forms to get into countries?”
The immigration queue has special needs line for for the elderly/disabled. This is a great idea except the immigration desk is set on a platform. To reach it they have to walk up two steps. Something which is particularly difficult for elderly and disabled people.
That is India in a nutshell. Logical and illogical combined.
It took over an hour to clear immigration despite there only being a handful of passengers but loads of immigration officers. The luggage hadn’t arrived so I joined the luggage queue. I was starting to see why the man on the plane got up early.
Nic’s luggage arrived quickly. “Result. Mine must be out soon too,” I thought. I was wrong. 30 minutes passed and my luggage still hadn’t arrived. Then the luggage conveyor belt stopped. I took this as a hint that my luggage might not have made it…
Thankfully after complaining to an airline employee my luggage was found. They must have turned the plane upside down and shook it to see if any luggage fell out.
That wasn’t the last of the queuing. We then had to wait in a very long queue for a prepaid taxi. By the time we left the airport we’d spent more time here than the time it took to fly from Dubai to Kolkata
Stornoway (where I grew up) had a small one-screen cinema. The first film I saw there was E.T. I think I was 5 years old. I remember a man in a ticket booth took the money for the film from my Mum before handing me a small bit of paper that had “Admit one” written on it.
I then gave that ticket to another man who ripped it in to two half’s. He kept one half. I then handed my remaining half to another man as I entered the screening room. All three transactions occurred in a single corridor that couldn’t have been more than 5 meters long.
I clearly remember this because even back then, with my limited knowledge of the world, I thought to myself – this is really inefficient. The first man could have done all three of these jobs.
The cinema closed down shortly after this. Probably due to high
staffing costs.
I don’t think this year has been a classic year for films. I can count on one hand the number of films I saw that were truly great so I wont list my top films of the year as there’s not enough. Instead I present my list of”things I noticed at the cinema that deserve a mention” I need to work on a better name for my list.
Best Stunt that deserves a mention
The Mission Impossible films aren’t films. They are potential crime scene recordings. Each one records an attempt on Tom Cruise’s life. From getting Tom to free-climb rock faces in MI2 to getting Tom to hang off aircraft in MI5 each film ups the ante in trying to kill off TC.
MI: Fallout wins this award for its closing action sequence – Tom Cruise hangs off an aircraft and then hangs off a rock face whilst a nuclear bomb threatens to go off. It’s a superbly filmed and choreographed sequence, which made me fear Tom would not make it out alive to be able to do MI7.
If the world was ever to end in a nuclear Armageddon, the only things that would survive are Cockroaches and Tom Cruise.
Scariest real life cinema Incident that deserves a mention
Whilst watching A Quiet Place I had to ask a woman to stop talking over the film. It’s afilm about people who get killed for making a noise. She could have get me killed !!!!
The film that I think deserves a mention but lots of people hate
I loved the Han Solo Star Wars movie but afterwards the guy I saw it with said “I hated every f’ing second of it!” I think it’s fair to say reviews were mixed.
The film I think doesn’t deserve a mention but lots of people love
Black Panther has a 97% rating on rotten tomatoes. I must have seen a different film because the pantherI watched was boring! It should be called Bland Panther.
The cinema display that deserves a mention
Spiderman and Ironman look ok but then someone at Cineworld must have said “We need a female Marvel character for our display but we don’t have an official Marvel model we can use. Lets make one! How can difficult can it be?”
Its very difficult. It looks like a the hulk in drag.
The film that most deserves a mention
There is only one film that came to mind when I thought about a film of the year. Its not the best made film of the year – in fact, it looks very cheap in places. Its not the best written film of the year – some of it makes no sense what so ever. Its not the best acted film of the year – the lead actor is notoriously hammy. Its not the best directed film of the year – its overlong with scenes that add nothing to the story BUT its the only film I saw this year which made me think “what the fuck did I just watch???”
Its also the only film I saw that would only work when viewed at a cinema because it needs to overpower you with its visuals and sound.
The film is Mandy. A film its best to know nothing about before viewing. Just be aware that its going to be a head fuck of sound, visuals and performance. I still have no idea after viewing it what it was I saw but I’m glad I did.
When I was 18 I wanted to be in a rock and roll band There was only one problem – I couldn’t sing. I had this confirmed when I auditioned for the school choir. The choir master asked me to sing “Doe Ray Me Far Sew La TeaDoh!” I got as far as Ray before he said “NEXT!”
In fact there was two problems. I also can’t play a musical instrument. I bought a guitar when I was 18 years old. 23 years later I still have it. I’ve never changed the strings on it. It sounds the same now as it did back then – bloody awful!
Whenever I look at the guitar, I remember what the great philosopher Homer Simpson said “If something’s hard to do, then it’s not worth doing”
I often wonder what would have happened if I had formed a band. What would the name be? It’s a tricky choice. The name would have to reflect both my personity and musical syle. I don’t think I’m shouty or angry enoughto carry off the name “Tropical Fuck Storm.” or am I prog rock enough to call myself “King Gizzard & the Lizard Wizard“
I could use my own name but someone has beaten me to it.
All the band name’s I mentioned above are real names of bands! Surprisingly, Tropical Fuck Storm are not as punk and angry as the name suggests.
So in ourannual brak from sports blogs here’s my top 5 tunes of the year:
5. Neon Church by Tim Mcgraw
I like going musical exploring in Spotify – I choose a genre I don’t normally listen to and then try out various random songs and artists in it. I recently started listening to random Country & Western songs to see if were any I like. Whilst musical panning for gold I’ve had to listen to allot of nuggets of rock but this a great pop rock country song with a catchy chorus.
4.Don’t Fuck With Joe by The Blackwater Fever
I discovered this song at the same time as I discover Tim. Its a bluesy/rock blast. When played on daytime radio the lyrcis are changed to Don’t Mess With The Crows. I also work with a man called Joe so it has some relvance.
3. Lovely Stornoway by Calum Kennedy
I’d never heard of this song until this year but as I’m from Stornoway it has to make my top 5. My only complaint about the song is the lyric
Make your way to Stornoway, On the road to Orinsay,
Orinsay is not on the road to Stornoway! Orinsay is an island! He should sing
Make your way to stornoway.
On the ferry to Orinsay.
2. Eat Shiitake Mushrooms – Let’s Eat Grandma
The worst named band on the list but probably the most musically interesting is Lets Eat Grandma. They mix musical styles from all out pop to drone rock. The amazing things is they are Teenagers. At their age I was getting rejected from the school choir.
1. Danny Nedelko by Idles
I don’t normally like punk rock. It can be a bit one dimensional but Idles delivered the most intelligent and prescient album of the year with songs dealing with toxic masculinity, immigration and the loss of a child. The description sounds somber but the tunes are surprisingly upbeat.
The only race I’ve never done before is an Ultra marathon. I’ve always been scared of the distance and the loneliness of running that far.
So, as its the only event I’m scared of and its the only running distance I’ve never done before then I know that’s what I have to do in 2019.
Now I just need to decide which one….
I can now exclusively reveal my choice of race isn’t just one ultra but two!
I did ask Runners World Magazine if they wanted the exclusive but after they said “Who are you? Why would we want that? How did you get this number?” I decided to reveal it here instead.
My first ultra is the John Muir Way Ultra. A 50KM race in East Lothian. I chose it because it’s flat, I love visiting East Lothian and I get a funky looking t-shirt if I complete it.
My second ultra is the Devil O The Highlands race. A hillier longer race comprising 42 miles from Tyndrum to Fort William. I choose this because I wanted a distance that was scary (31 miles isn’t that different from a marathon but 42 is very different) I love this section of the West Highland Way, and, if I complete it, I get a funky looking t-shirt….there is a theme developing about how I choose events.
The race also has one of the best disclaimers I’ve seen.
The event strives to be as inclusive as possible and the organizers have a zero tolerance policy to any form of discrimination. We are not fond of Donald Trump.
I think that’s one person most people are happy to discriminate against!
The best graffiti I’ve ever seen was in London shortly after the 9/11 terrorist attack. I noticed someone had sprayed a wall with the phrase “Osama Bin Laden has a small willy”
Which distils the complicated geopolitics of western and eastern religions down to a simple playground insult.
Bin Laden is not the only one whose nether regions have been mocked. Similarly, during World War Two, Hitler was ridiculed in an equally childish manner with a song claiming he only had one ball
Hitler has only got one ball The other is in the Albert Hall His mother, the dirty bugger Cut it off when he was small
Glasgow has recently launched a Mural trail. Mural is a posh word for graffiti. The murals are helping to rejuvenate streets and revitalize buildings and vacant sites that look a bit tired, reincarnating them as beautiful pieces of public street art.
I won’t list any of the murals because I think the joy of them is the surprise you get when you see them for the first time. Much like that joy I got the day I discovered Bin Laden and his small winky. Which is a phrase I never thought I’d use in a public forum!
It was the end of the race and a man was discussing the state of his ‘baws’ with a friend. I assume it was a friend. Discussing your ‘baws’ with a stranger would be an unusual conversation starter.
The friend replied “Did you wear your new pair of shorts?”
“Aye! And now my baws have more cuts than a Tory budget!” He actually only said “Aye” but I’m using artistic licence.
“Did you wear pants?” His friend asked.
His friend tried to walk “It burns!” he screamed. I took that as a no to the pants question.
Thankfully my race was friction free although I did get annoyed by how slow some of the sections of the course were.
My pet hate at races is people who stand at the front at the start who should be at the back. If you’re going to run slowly then start further back. I spent the first ten minutes of the race trying to get past people who had no intention of running quickly.
I don’t blame the runners as it happens at every race because people don;t want to start at the back but there’s a simple fix. Start the race in two waves. One wave for people who want to race and then five minutes later start the wave for people who just want to run.
Because congestion is inevitable when there are too many slower runners on a single track course
Last year it wasn’t noticeable as there was only 235 runners but this year there was 439. People were walking on sections that last year could be easily run because someone up ahead was blocking the way by going slowly.
Hopefully next year they fix the start so that the race doesn’t feel as congested as this years race.
If you’re not familiar with SUP then Wikipedia describes it as:
“Stand up paddle boarding (SUP) is an offshoot of surfing that originated in Hawaii. Unlike traditional surfing where the rider sits until a wave comes, stand up paddle boarders stand on their boards and use a paddle to propel themselves through the water.”
I couldn’t find any info about who invented SUP Yoga but I’d guess they’re American and that they have an Instagram account as it’s a hobby ideally suited to warm weather and looking good in photos.
It definitely wasn’t invented by a Scotsman as my first reaction when hearing about it was – “You want to do what? Float on an ironing-board and try to do a handstand in the loch? In winter? You must be mental!”
So why do SUP Yoga? According to experts (also known as a Google search of the phrase “why do SUP Yoga?”) there are 10 reasons to try it. Google’s reasons are in bold and my response is below each one
1. SUP and yoga keeps you in the present….
It did. It kept me present fearing falling off the board into the water.
2. A greater sense of mindfulness will develop….
It did. I had to pay attention to every breath and body movement, every placement of a foot as I was mindful that any mistake would mean I would fall in the water.
3. You don’t have to be an advanced yoga student.
That’s true. I received praise for doing something I would consider easy. I was praised for standing up! The last time I got praise for standing was when I was a baby or that time I had 10 pints and fell over. “oh look – he’s standing. Well done you!”
4. Advanced students can bring another level of challenge to their yoga practice.
True – I thought I was okay at yoga but doing it on a board is so difficult my downward dog became a drowned dog.
5. The pace of your practice will slow down.
Because I was scared of falling in the water.
6. The same muscles are challenged, but in a different way.
Because you’ll say to them, “please muscles don’t fail me and cause me to fall in the water”
7. It’s like Hot yoga but with instant refreshment.
Not in Scotland – it’s cold yoga with instant refrigeration!
8. No practice will ever be the same.
They will all be the same. I always spend my time thinking “please don’t fall in the water”.
9. A chance to experience the beauty of the outdoors.
What outdoors? I was too busy concentrating on not falling in the water that I didn’t even realize I was outside.
10. SUP and yoga is fun and challenging.
Its great fun and once I fell in I realized that falling in was actually fun too. I highly recommend people give it a try but maybe not in winter!
Twin brothers swimming, cycling and running in Scotland 