DNF – Did Not Finish is available to order now… https://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/B09KTCL3G6

Is is our story of 20 years swimming, biking and running. Every one of our results tells a story, even the races we did not finish.

It is a story about finding the joy in racing whether you come first or last.

It contains stories such as ….

I discovered my local triathlon club, Glasgow Triathlon Club, had a Sunday night swimming session for beginners.

I thought it would be a welcoming environment full of like-minded beginners. It wasn’t. Triathletes lie about their ability and they are really competitive

I discovered this when the coach said: “I’d like you all to swim eight lengths of the pool at 70% race pace. I’ll time you. Who wants to go first?”

No one volunteered to go first.

“Come on! Who’s fastest?”

Everyone looked at each other in the same way a lift of strangers looks at each other after one person has farted. Who is it?

I looked at the man next to me. He was solid muscle. His back had the classic v-profile of an Olympic swimmer. He wore tiny Speedos that were so small and revealing they looked like they’d been tattooed to his crotch. His swim goggles cost more than my last car.

“Hurry up! Someone has to go first!”

The only time I’d been mistaken for a swimmer was when a hairdresser said to me “Are you a swimmer?” I beamed with pride and replied “yes” thinking it was because of my swimmer’s physique – but my pride was quickly punctured when the hairdresser said “I thought so – I examined your hair. It is in terrible condition. It is dry from chlorine.”

I did not even have the right equipment for a swim. My swim shorts were run shorts. There was no point buying one pair for running and one for swimming. It meant my run shorts got a wash. My goggles were whatever I could find in the lost and of found bucket of my local pool. I was not a swimmer.

He looked at me again. It wasn’t that he was in a different league to me. It was that we aren’t even playing the same sport.

He said: “You first, mate”

I replied, “No thanks. You should definitely go first.”

He thought about it and said, “no – I think you are quicker.”

So, I went first. I had a five second head start. On the sixth second, he caught up.

I went as fast as I could but he kept having to stop to wait for me.

After we’d finished eight laps the coach said, “are you all happy with your time?”

The man who couldn’t have been more like a fish even if he’d had gills said, “I could have gone faster but I got held up!” Maybe if he hadn’t lied about his ability he wouldn’t have got held up.

If you are good at something, it’s ok to say you are good at it.

I then looked round and saw everyone else. It was like the scene at the start of Saving Private Ryan. Bodies were strewn in the water. People screaming in agony. One man looked like he’d swum himself into a heart attack.

The coach asked, “Was that 70% effort?” No-one replied. They were all completely f&%ked! At last the man having the heart attack said through wheezy, definitely non-competitive, gasps of death “I think I went 65%!”

The best film of the year is an easy one: Dune. After 18 months of watching films at home, there was no better experience than going back to a cinema and watching a film that required the biggest screen and the loudest speakers. The only experience like it was when I went two months without eating any chocolate before running the Edinburgh marathon and then scoffed an entire chocolate muffin on the finish line. I’ve never had heroin but Im pretty sure it doesn’t destroy your mind, body and soul like your first taste of a muffin after two months of abstinence and 26 miles of running.

Dune was a bit like that. The fact it is also a great (though flawed) film was just a bonus. I just wanted to be back in the cinema again.

My highest recommendation for Dune though is that I really wanted to know more about how it was made and managed to find some cracking behind the scenes videos to find out more. Check out:

Honourable mentions

A film I wish I had seen at the cinema was my most surprising film of 2021: Amazon Prime exclusive ‘The Aeronaughts’. A film I dismissed when watching the trailer but couldn’t have been more wrong as it turned out to be vertigo inducing and thrilling as Gravity but in a balloon.

With more films being released to streaming rather than the cinema there was also some other gems in ‘Love & Monsters’ , ‘Don’t Tell Anyone’, ‘Stowaway’, ‘Fear Street’, ‘We Care A Lot’, ‘Prospect’, ‘The Green Knight’ and ‘The Dig’.

But nothing compares to actually going to the Cinema and I only hope that 2022 will see more opportunities to go back and that I won’t have to wait until Dune 2 is out in 2023 before returning.

The view from the top of the Scottish hill climbing route, the Devils Staircase, was beautiful. I was not the only person who thought that. A man behind me (who had a very loud voice) said loudly:

“THIS IS BEAUTIFUL!”

Yes, it is. Thanks for pointing it out. Then 10 seconds later…

 “WHAT A VIEW”

Thanks again. I definitely would not have noticed unless you had said something. Then ten seconds later.

“STUNNING!”

It still was. It hasn’t changed in the last 10 seconds!

Then 10 seconds later…

“AMAZING!”

Please be quiet! Then 10 seconds later.

“GLORIOUS!”

Did someone buy him a thesaurus for Christmas!

Then 10 seconds later….SILENCE. Thankfully, he must have run out of words. His thesaurus must be the abridged version. I took in the view and enjoyed the peace and quiet until he boomed  ”THIS IS BEAUTIFUL!” Then 10 seconds later….”WHAT A VIEW!” He must have been stuck on a loop. And not a nice loop, like a Honey Nut loop, the are delicious.

At this point I slowed down and let him run on ahead as I couldn’t bear listening to him holler for the whole race about how beautiful the course was.

I wonder how his wife puts up with it: she must serve him diner and then he’ll start going: “THIS IS DELICOUS… TASTY… SCRUMMY… THIS IS DELICIOUS…TASTY…”

A break from sporting videos this week to look back at some of my favourite videos/channels. This year I probably watched more YouTube than anything else. I have an infant daughter and she’s not yet old enough to work a microwave or to order a takeaway on JustEat. Instead, she expects us to feed her every few hours and, even more, she expects us to wipe her bum too. Babies really are lazy… 🙂

As part of feeding her though I’ve been watching YouTube channels on cinematography, photography and film editing. There’s some great channels explaining exactly what to do with a three light set up; or how a single light bulb is all you need to make a horror film. I admit it is niche but, hey, this is our fifth year of writing a weekly blog about triathlons so we’re quite capable of being niche on this site.

If you want to know more then these are some good videos to start:

And if playing around around with light and lenses is not your thing and you just want an easy watch then the funniest video each week is Corrections from the Late Night with Seth Myer channel. A web exclusive where each week he corrects all the mistakes his viewers point out that he’s made that week.

The problem with returning to the office after working from home for 18 months is forgetting that your Spotify account has an “explicit content” button. After 18 months of listening to whatever I wanted at home I would switch on the Office Alexa and listen to whatever I want at the office too. Most times it’s a playlist, something I think everyone will like with words like “upbeat”, “classics” or “big hits” in the title. Something where it’s more than likely, at some point in the day, you’ll hear “Mr Brownside” by the Killers unless…. you forget to switch off “explicit content… and halfway though a discussion with accounts about employee share options you hear Jarvis Cocker’s “C***s are Ruling The World.”

So, for this year’s best song I offer a warning. This is not for the office. Nor are any of her other songs. But, for sheer explicit what if Pornhub had a soundtrack album, then check out Ayesha Erotica. This is one of her tamer trackers.

Honourable mention: Syko’s ‘#BrooklynBloodPop!’

If you prefer something lighter and more family friendly like, I don’t know, death. Then this year was a great year for albums that it’s really better not knowing how they came about before listening to them. First up, and my second best album of the year, is For Those I Love’s ‘For Those I Love’, an album created in grief about grief and as far from Ayesha Erotica as the idea of the Queen singing “WAP”.

Honourable mention: The Anchoress’s ‘The Art of Losing’

After those albums you may want something less fraught and filled with despair and you can always count on Country to deliver a sheer OTT bonkers happy song that doesn’t do anything other than say “ain’t it great to get… DRUNK ON A PLANE”.

But for best song and best album of the year there was only one choice. And no, not Sufjan Stevens like every other, even though I do recommend ‘A Beginner’s Mind’, it’s Sam Fender’s ‘Seventeen Going Under’, an album that almost rivals Ayesha Erotica for it’s use of sax.

Honourable mentions: Self Esteem’s ‘Prioritise Pleasure’, Bicep ‘Isles’, Dennison Winter ‘American Foursquare’, The KLF, ‘Solid State Logik’, Low ‘HEY WHAT’, the Dune soundtrack, the original cast album of Urinetown and JARV IS ‘Beyond The Pale’

The best thing that can be said about movies in 2021 is that it was a better year than 2020! Which is mainly because all the good films that were supposed to come out in 2020 were delayed to this year.

Cinemas reopened in the spring and the first film I saw was Nobody. A film about a middle aged man kicking ass.. My wife thought it was rubbish. I thought it was great. I think the film was more aimed at me than her.

The budget film of the year goes to Werewolves Within. A fun b movie with a tiny budget. Which means the werewolf is barely seen in the film. It shows what you can do if you have a good plot and likable lead actors.

Justice League is one of the worst superhero films ever made. It is therefore surprising to discover that Zack Snyder’s Justice League is one of the best. If anyone is unsure what a Director does then watch both versions of this film. You will see how two directors made two different films out of the same material.

For pure fun and happiness you can’t beat Free Guy. I recommend this film to lots of folk. They all said “I’m not watching that, it looks terrible” but once they watch it they say “It was actually great”. Watch it and you will see I’m correct.

And the best thing I saw in the Cinema was Dune. The plot is a bit clunky but it doesn’t matter. Every shot deserves to be seen on as big a screen as possible. Its a beautifully shot space opera that shows why films should be watched in the cinema not at home.

DNF – Did Not Finish is available to order now… https://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/B09KTCL3G6

Is is our story of 20 years swimming, biking and running. Every one of our results tells a story, even the races we did not finish.

It is a story about finding the joy in racing whether you come first or last.

It contains stories such as ….

“It is a very common belief that twins, especially identical twins, are united by a strong bond of sympathy that each knows when danger or misfortune threatens the other, even when they are separated.”

A few years ago, I did an experiment so see whether this statement was true – would I feel anything if Andrew was in pain or in danger?

We did it in a very scientific way – we formed a comedy double act. Like a teuchter Ant and Dec but without their comedy timing, jokes or ability. We were so bad the only TV shows we could have hosted would’ve been Britain’s Got No Talent, or I’m Not a Celeb Leave Me Right Here.

I admit that this was not the best idea I’ve ever had. But I did have a genius idea for a joke. An idea that couldn’t fail – we’d do an experiment on stage where I’d get an audience member to hit Andrew with a rolled up newspaper whilst I looked away. I would then try to guess where upon his body he’d been struck. I thought it would be comedy slapstick gold…It wasn’t.

To test the idea out we went to a poetry night that allowed a bit of comedy because I reasonably thought nothing bad can happen at a poetry night.

When it came to our turn, we stood up and proceeded to tell a few gentle gags to get the audience warmed up. The audience laughed and applauded but as they’d just spent 90 minutes listening to poetry I think they would have applauded anything that wasn’t more poetry.

I stepped forward and asked for a volunteer from the audience. No one volunteered so I looked around the room and saw a man sitting by himself. He looked harmless enough. This was mistake number one – a man by himself at a poetry night must be a solid gold mental rocket of the highest order.

I invited him on stage and realized he was bigger than I thought. He was built like a rugby player. He was also a bit drunk. No worries – I’ll just continue the show. I handed him the newspaper and asked him to roll it up. This was mistake number 2 – never hand a man a weapon and ask him to load it himself. He rolled it very tight. So tight it was now stronger than a wooden baton.

I looked at Andrew. I could see fear in his eyes. I looked at the audience member. I could see violence in his eyes. I did what any loving brother would do. I turned to the man and said “I’m going to look away. Hit my brother as hard and wherever you like!”

This was mistake number three – I shouldn’t have turned my back on the scene of the crime.

I shouted, “Hit him”.

There was silence and then a large THWACKKKK sound before more silence….like the silence you get after a nuclear bomb has detonated but the blast hasn’t reached you yet. Then the audience gasped….Andrew screamed. He’d been hit so hard in the balls he was now my twin sister rather than brother.

If I was psychic, I would have felt something. I felt nothing. The audience member hit Andrew again. THWACKKKK….SCREAM…THWACKKKKK, THWACKKK….SCREAM! Each time he was hit I felt nothing.

As Andrew lay on the floor writhing in pain. His crown jewels having been pulverized. I asked myself “Are twins psychic?”

The answer is No.

We started a book club at work. The first book was ‘The Book Club’, a book about a book club targeted by a murderer. I wasn’t sure if I was joining a like minded group of literary enthusiasts or getting a big hint about what someone really thought about us.

The Book Club was crap, the murderer’s motive was to get revenge after they had to walk up stairs while their intended victim had stopped the lift for rumpy puppy with an office affair. All I could think about was office layout. How many floors do you need to have in your office to have a single lift which would still make sense to walk the stairs and not just wait for it to be fixed? Twenty floor would be too many floors to walk. But would 10? What about five? But would you stop a lift for five floors to get frisky? The rest of the book didn’t make sense but when the foundations of your story rely on modern office design, I’m not sure you have a great story to begin with.

Maybe it should have just embraced the illogicalities of it all. Just like my book of the year ‘The KLF: Chaos, Magic and the Band who Burned a Million Pounds’ by John Higgs. A book that confirms that when the band, the KLF, burned one million pounds in the early 1990s, it was the culmination of a series of event linking the anti-christ Alastair Crowley, the illuminati and the quest to write the best pop song ever written. Or it might just because they were dicks who didn’t know what they were doing. And the difference between these stories makes a fascinating read, whether you know anything about the KLF or not.

Buy it here: Amazon

Honourable mentions: Did I mention we have a book out? ‘DNF: Did Not Finish’? I think we might have mentioned it at least once…

The problem with releasing a book, and this year we also had ‘The Sound of Football’, is that it doesn’t give much time to read anything else as I must have read both of these at least twenty times, and some parts even more. So, the fact I’m still recommending them must say something about good they are? 🙂

Buy DNF here: Amazon

Buy The Sound of Football here: Amazon

And if you’re looking for non-TwinBikeRun reccomendations then I’d point you in the direction of Robert Galbraith’s ‘Troubled Blood’ for a novel by a woman who pretends to be a man but is hated because she has strong views about men who want to be woman, Louis Sachar’s ‘Holes’ for the chapter about the onions and Peter Bill’s ‘Planet Property’ if you want to read a good book about property.

Every year, Spotify members can download a report detailing how they used the service. This is what mine shows.

What does the report reveal about me ? It reveals that my wife has figured out my Spotify password! I don’t listen to any of these songs. These are one’s she likes!!

So Here’s a list of the tunes I preferred listening to this year.

The prize for best vocal performance goes to this performance by Bruno Mars.

The Prize for best song by a band big in the 90’s goes to The Divine Comedy

And my favorite song of the year goes to Macklemore with “Next Year” which is as catchy and simple as pop music should be.