Category Archives: Andrew

Celtman 2017 (Andrew)

cxt7g6ww8auqgzp

I’d entered the ballot for Norseman and Celtman but only wanted one to succeed. I want to do Norseman again, but not next year. It’s too soon. But, because it’s a ballot, and I won’t get to choose if I’m lucky enough to enter it again, I entered anyway, to build up my chances in future years. Luckily, I didn’t get in.

However, Celtman was the race I wanted to enter. I’d seen the very first race on BBC Scotland’s The Adventure Show and I’ve always wanted to do it. After Norseman I didn’t fancy another race abroad so Celtman was my first choice. I just had to hope I’d be lucky in the ballot.

I got the email mid-afternoon. I read it. It said “You are in the race!.” and I thought: “Why has it got a full stop after the exclamation mark?”. Then it said “Please read the whole of this message very carefully”. And I thought: “I have and, really, why has it got a full stop after the exclamation mark?”.

It’s strange the things you think of when dream come true. Neil Armstrong probably thought: “Have I switched the oven off?” when he landed on the moon.

It takes a second or two for the reality to hit. I was in.

Ironically, and just like last year when I heard about Norseman, I’m injured at the moment. A twinge. A dodgy right hip. A few weeks of rest to take care of it. This week I started running and cycling again. A run through some trails north of Aviemore and 10 miles on the turbo, which have now become the first run and the first ride towards Celtman 2017!

OMG! OMG! OMG!

Read the next entry from Iain. Look at the pictures. Nice bike. Nice set-up. It looks like a nice place to train but… wait a minute.. what’s wrong with that picture…

Just like meeting Donald Trump the only thought in my head right now is…

DON’T TOUCH THE RUG!!!!!!

Where’s the wipe clean mat? What’s been soaking into that rug? Euggghhh! Gross! Unclean! Burn it! Get rid of it before it soaks into the floor and causes sweat damp (the word kind of damp, just like normal damp but leaves yellow patches) throughout the entire house!

Oh, wait a minute.

It’s okay.

Panic over.

Iain doesn’t sweat when he trains. He doesn’t go faster than 5mph. At least he doesn’t when he’s out on the road, so I can’t imagine he’s any better on the turbo…

Caledonian Etape 2017 – bring it on! Challenge me, indeed!

Hip, hip, no way! (Andrew)

Are some races cursed? For over 10 years I consider the last race of my ‘season’ to be the Fort William half marathon in November.

Some ‘seasons’ it might be the only race, rather than the last depending on what I’ve been doing (or not doing) that year but, each September, I pay my entry fee and book a bed & breakfast in Fort William for what I know will be a straightforward race.

The Fort William Half Marathon leaves from a football pitch next to the Nevis Centre and bowling alley. You run six miles around the bay, through Corpach, out of town, along the coast until you get to a cone and turn round and come back the exact same way you ran out.

The Fort William Marathon runs along the same route. The only difference is the cone’s six and a half miles further away.

It’s a nice race. A few hundred runners and a flat route that barely rises or falls as you run to Loch Eil and back with Ben Nevis looming behind you and over you as you turn.

It’s a good race. There’s only one problem: I always quit before it starts.

Usually it’s the weather. Fort William is wet, November is wild, and a Sunday race in November in Fort William can see horizontal rain and strong winds batter the coast.

Many a morning has started with me opening the curtains of the bed & breakfast only to think: “not today!”

Some times it’s injuries. By November I could be nursing some knocks and niggling pains that make me think it’s a good idea to take a few weeks off while the weather is bad and there’s no real incentive to be outside. Last year, it was tweak in my back that meant I couldn’t run for six weeks. Before that it’s been an ankle or a knee injury that a few weeks rest has helped heal.

It’s a race I wanted to run again this year – but you can probably guess where this is going.

I’m injured. A slight niggle in my right hip that’s telling me to use this time to recover rather than run in Fort William. Take a few weeks off, don’t do anything and start again in November with some easy sessions – and definitely don’t run a half-marathon.

So, next Sunday will join my other unsuccessful attempts to race in Fort William to make it: Andrew 4 Fort William Half Marathon 8.

No bikey, no lighty (Andrew)

The day the clocks go back is the worst day of the year if you work night shift. I worked night shift as a hospital porter in Stornoway. At 1am I would have to walk round the hospital and change all the clocks. By 1:20am it was 12:20am and I still had another seven hours and forty minutes of my shift to go because, while the clocks went back, the time my shift ended stayed the same. A nine hour shift became 10 hours. I wouldn’t have minded if I was paid for the extra hour but the hospital couldn’t distinguish one shift from another so, as far as they were concerned, I’d only worked 11pm to 8am even if I’d had an extra hour in the middle.

(Of course, when the clocks wend forward, a nine hour shift became an eight hour shift but there was no guarantee that you’d be working that shift to make up for the extra hour! It really was unfair!)

I mention this because it’s almost time for the clocks to go back; a time that also reminds me of another time: the time for the lights to go back too. It’s time to attach lights to my bike so that (a) I can see; and (b) more importantly, cars can see me as (a) I don’t want to get run over; and (b) I really, really don’t want to get run over.

Yet, even though not getting run over is definitely one of my top goals when out on my bike, I’m always reluctant to get the lights out. I know they’re safe, they help me see and be seen, but I can’t help thinking how much nicer my bike looks without lights.

(Don’t get me started on mudguards. They’re the bike equivalent of making Eva Green/Ryan Gosling/whoever floats your boat* wear a Donald Trump mask before going out on a date.)

I just don’t like lights. They’re like zits for bikes. You know there’s beauty underneath but why do they always have to be right in your face so you can’t avoid seeing them all day. Car lights are hidden. No one notices car lights. Yet we stick lights on the front of our bikes like we’re attaching a rocket launcher to a tank.

Then there’s the ‘modes’. It’s not enough that every light shines white with a strong unbroken beam. We also need them to pulse, to flicker, to swing left and right and to flash so strong and so fast the man in the moon will have an epileptic fit.

If you’re thinking of opening a nightclub don’t hire an expensive light system just hang a bike from the ceiling. That’s all you need.

So, with the clocks going back, I find myself putting the lights back on my bike too and I realise why we have the extra hour. It’s not for farmers, it’s not for early morning commuters, or school children wanting to avoid walking to school in the dark, it’s to give cyclists an extra hour to complain about how their bike doesn’t look as cool it used to.

*Except Donald Trump (but, if it is Donald Trump, then we hope you mean that he floats your boat in that he’s full of hot air and will quickly blow up your dinghy).

Welcome to my PAIN CAVE!!!! (Andrew)

Do you know what I love? Pain!

First thing in the morning, I just can’t wait to get me some of that old pain. At breakfast, I have pain with my cornflakes, pain with my toast, and, sometime, I even have pain with my yogurt – or youHURT as I call it.

At lunch, more pain. Go for a run. Bring my shorts, my shoes, bring my fruit based music device  but, most of all, bring the pain!

Then, when I go home, I like nothing better than putting my feet up with a nice relaxing mug of PAIN!

Pain, I love it.

Of course not. This is silly. No one likes pain. It’s, well, painful. And it hurts. And it’s sore. And do you know what I really, really love – not being in pain, that’s what I love.

Yet, as triathletes and cyclists you hear people calling their turbo set-ups their “Pain cave”.  Just going to “pain cave”, they’ll say. “Big session in the pain cave” last night.

(Twats)

I, on the other hand, don’t want to retreat to my pain cave, instead I want to give it a name that will make me want to go back on the Turbo again and again. That’s why I’d like to introduce you to my cuddle closet. It’s a small room, it has a computer, a desk, a bookcase, and a bike set up on a turbo. It’s where I go when I want to feel warm and happy like a cuddle. It’s my cuddle closet and it’s definitely not my pain cave.

If cuddle closet doesn’t suit you, other names are available. May I also suggest:

  • Fungeon aka fun dungeon;
  • The Ghetto Way For An Hour;
  • The Happy Place;
  • The Sweat Suite;
  • Or, if you really must bring the pain, the I’m Pushing Myself But This Is Just Mild Discomfort Cave.

Trossachs 10K (Andrew)

Processed with Snapseed.
Processed with Snapseed.

Every race needs a starter. If you don’t have a starter then you don’t have a race, you just have a lot people in lyrca standing politely and looking at each other to see if anyone else is going to move first. That’s not a race, that’s a queue.

You need a starter. Someone to fire the pistol, sound the horn, drop the flag, or fire a smoke cannon and let off a hundred fireworks (Long Course Weekend, I’m looking at you and your extravagant start!).

The Trossachs 10K however did things a litle different. It was started by a local chef from the Forth Inn.

“Good luck,” he said, dressed in chef’s whites and still wearing his apron like he’d just wandered out of his kitchen, which he had, because the kitchen was only 20 metres from the start line.

“Why is the chef starting the race?” I asked Iain.

We couldn’t figure it out. He didn’t mention a running club, so we assume he wasn’t one of the organisers, he didn’t mention a charity, so he wasn’t one of the beneficiaries, and he didn’t plug his restaurant, so he wasn’t even looking for publicity.

We can only assume that there was a misunderstanding. Someone must have said they needed a starter and someone else thought they’d best get a chef because, if there’s one thing chefs know, then it’s starters…

It’s apt that the race was started by a chef as the only reason we were racing the Trossachs 10K was that there was a cracking butchers in town and we fancied a run then lunch from the butchers (sausage roll and a macaroni pie for me, delicious).

The race itself is run through the Queen Elizabeth forest and is mostly on trail paths. It’s a great route with some ups and downs through the forest. It was raining but not too heavily to make it uncomfortable to be out running.

I ran round with Iain, we weren’t competing against each other or looking for a time, but, at the end, I felt comfortable and sprinted the final few hundred metres. Sadly, the chef wasn’t at the finish, but, you know, no one finishes with a starter.

untitled

 

Triathlon’s biggest challenge(Andrew)

You can’t believe you’ve got to do this. It’s too much. You’ve been putting it off for ages but you know it’s time. You need to do this. Now.

But you hesitate. You don’t know if you can do this. Even the thought of it makes you wish you could just sit in your favourite chair with your feet up and the telly on. Instead you’ve got to prepare. There’s shoes, socks, cycling shorts, tops, both cycling and running, various towels, some used, some not, a wet suit, and gels. It’s too much. Why couldn’t you do something simpler instead? Something that didn’t involve more items than an Argos catalogue.

You’ve got no choice though. You’ve already signed up. You set this challenge and now you need to face it. The hardest point of all. Not the swim. Not the cycle. Not the run. Not the many, many hours battling the elements, your body, your mind. This is worse. This is the moment you always dread. The point when you just want to give up and never do another race again.

This is reaching into your bag once you get home and sorting out your kit for washing…

This is the real challenge of triathlon….

“Why is my wetsuit covered in reeds? We were in a swimming pool?!?!?”

“Ugh…. this sock is… solid???!?!?!?”

“Don’t open the bag of half eaten bananas! No!!!!! Aaargggh! The smell! We’re all going to die!!!!!!”

Lost in London (Andrew)

It’s very rare that runners now get lost. We have smart phones and GPS watches. We always know where we are because we need to know where we’ve been to upload to Garmin, Strava and the world at large. It’s easy to forget that only a few years ago going for a run sometimes meant memorizing a map or route before you’d left the house.

Want to go on a five mile run somewhere new? Then stare intently at this map until you are absolutely sure how many left and right turns you need to take to end up back at the house and not in the middle of nowhere.

Last week, I went for a run round London. I thought I knew where I was going. I wanted to run to the Thames from Shoreditch then along to Westminster and back. In my head it would be around four miles. A nice 30 -35 minute run in warm sunshine and a cool breeze.

One hour and 10 minutes later I eventually got back to my hotel. I’d run nearly eight miles. What had gone wrong?

First, London streets are not in straight lines. That might seem an obvious statement but, when running round the City, it’s easy to turn left to look at a big tower like the Gherkin or the Walkie Talkie, only to turn left again and find out you’re actually running away from where you think you’re going. Roads double back. Buildings are deceptive. It’s like The Maze Runner but without the rubbish CGI spider monsters chasing you with a pneumatic saw/arm.

Secondly, London is much further apart than I’d remembered. This should also not have come as a shock. London is big. I forgot that. I used to live there. I should have known better…

Thirdly, and this was the main problem, I wasn’t carrying a map. I’d forgotten to bring my headphones with me so I didn’t bother taking my phone as I wasn’t going to be listening to anything. Instead, I had to navigate by bus signs. Every bus stop in London has a small map of the surround area, so, every five minutes, I’d stop check the map, work out if I knew the rough direction that would take me closer to Shoreditch then ran in that direction until I found another bus stop. Repeat until I finally found a street I recognised.

That’s why a four mile run became an eight mile exercise in urban orienteering. D’oh!

Norseman Bike (Andrew)

bike

“Enjoy it”.

The bike leg of Norseman is 112 miles inland from the pier at Eidfjord to the town of Austbygde. It starts with a 1,250m climb to Dyranut, a long stretch along a high plateau, descends back down before the second half hits you with four increasingly longer and harder hills before a 15 mile descent to T2.

The weather forecast all week had been for a north westerly tailwind and for conditions to be mostly dry. That changed on Friday night. It was going to rain for most of the morning and afternoon. I’d brought waterproof cycling shorts, shoes and jacket with me so wore those straight from transition, even though it was dry when I changed. I thought it would be enough, I was wrong.

The bike leg start with a few miles along a flat road from Eidfjord before the climbing starts. The cliff face rises on either side, we follow the old road around the edge of the rock face, dart through tunnels lit by candles, and it feels like we’ve travelled back in time. We’ve left the modern world behind. The road is pitted, but potholes easy to avoid, the drops are steep and tumble down like the waterfalls that scour the sides. I settle into an easy rhythm in my lowest gear and largely keep pace with the rides around me. Occasionally, I even overtake riders on TT bikes standing on the pedals, while I sit down and pass them on the left.

The views are stunning. Wisps of clouds hug the tops of cliff like triumphant climbers about to summit, looking down I can see glimpses of other riders, brightly coloured ants against the dark grey cliff roads, and I keep repeating in my head:

“Enjoy this.”

Because what else is there to do? If I cannot look round and feel that this is the only place I want to be today, that these sights are glimpses of landscape that I’m privileged to see and to be part of.

“Enjoy this.”

The climb consists of two distinct sections. The first strikes through the mountain, climbing through a cleft in the rock like the remants of a giant’s axe strike, the second is a longer climb towards the summit, through moorland and patches of snow along the sides of the road. It’s in the second section that it starts to rain. And rain.

I don’t mind the rain at first. I’m prepared, I have my waterproofs and I’ve used them before in bad conditions so know they’ll be okay. But then the clouds lower. Visibility drops and now it’s not only raining I can only see 50 – 100 metres at a time. This is why we wear a high-viz vest and use lights for the full route. I’m grateful for them. Not for me, but to see others, that I’m not alone.

The next few hours are an increasing struggle. The climb goes further than the profile suggests. Long shallow climbs where, even with a tailwind, progress is slower that I’d hoped. TT bike shoot by. I can’t keep up, nor do I try. I went for a climbing bike and comfort, not speed.

Spots that I remembered from driving across the plateau are rendered indistinct by the clouds. A lake with two black houses on the shore. Three turf houses at the side of the road. It’s always too late when I spot them. But still I tell myself to smile. I’m happy. But wet.

IMG_1044

The support car can’t join you on the climb, I see them in a traffic jam going down the mountain as I climbed up, the single road meaning there’s no place to stop. I’ve brought enough food for two and half hours, eating every thirty minutes. My standard ‘meals’ of ZipVit uncoated orange bars and banana gels. But after two and half hours I’ve yet to see Iain.

I thought I saw him at one point. A black Hyundai estate with 91 – my number – on a sticker on the back. He was down a short lane and trying to reverse the car. I’d shot passed him before I could stop. I thought if it was him, that he was reversing because he’d seen me and was going to follow. I was wrong.

It was another hour before I saw him. Every time a car passed I would hope it was him. After 30 minutes I started to worry. I wondered if he’d had a puncture or, worse, an accident. Every black car that passed was met with a searching look of its back window. 201. 15. 134. Not 91.

I was relieved when I finally saw him. I was soaked through and had run out of food. He pulled in a couple of hundred metres ahead of me. “I’ve got you pancakes,” he said.

By this point, I’d been thinking of quitting. I was starting to shake with hypothermia. I was losing the feeling in my hands. The rain was bouncing off the road and I wasn’t sure if I could carry on for another five hours like this.

“Put this on,” Iain said as I stripped off my hi-viz jersey, waterproof jacket and cycling jersey while sheltering under the open boot of the car.

He gave me a new base layer, my thicker cycling jersey (a Castelli Gabba), a fleece, a Goretex jacket and full length waterproof trousers. I thought he wanted to keep warm while we’d stopped. I didn’t realise that I was going to wear this for the next 60 miles.

“I’ll go to the next town,” I said. The warm clothes having done their job in persuading me to carry on.

“Just keep this on,” Iain said. And I did. I got back on my bike and pedelled off wearing more gear than I would I was climbing a mountain.

But it worked. I warmed up. I stopped shaking. The weather was still awful but as I descended in Greillo it became warmer as I left the plateau.

In town I met Iain again. “I’ll get to the end,” I said while thinking “Enjoy this, you won’t be doing it again.”

The second half of the course is a lot different to the first. It’s feels more part of civilisation, you can see towns, wider roads, and more road signs for evidence of other people.

There are four climbs in this section, nothing too tough or too long but each steady. The final climb is the longest, taking you up to and across a damn. It’s here that a Norwegian woman stands on the porch of a remote house and shouts “Well done, Andrew, keep going!”It takes me a few minutes to work out she must be following Norseman on the website. It’s also here where the support of other teams becomes invaluable. I’m going the same pace as a few other riders so I not only pass Iain every 40 minutes or so I’m also passing other support crews who also shout encouragement.

By now I’ve decided I’ll finish at T2. My temperature is screwy, I’m not sure of whether I should be running after hypothermia and the final climb up Zombie Hill is looking increasingly beyond me. I make the decision to be sensible and  finish while I have Iain as support and not to keep going when I’ll be running for at least 13 miles without support as Iain cannot park on the first half of the course (though it looked like many do!).

The final descent for 15 miles, through thick forest, small villages of colourful chalet houses, and, even better, it’s also the first time it’s dry. The sun peeks out, though not for long, and I’m hitting 35 miles an hour on the sharp descent and 25 mph on the flats. It’s too fast, too late though. I’m still dressed like Ranulph Fiennes.

At T2 I tell the timekeeper that I’m done. There is not a single doubt in my head that I’m doing the right thing. (Though a week later as I write this I think “maybe, just maybe I should have gone on” – but I know that’s a daft thought, I wouldn’t have finished).

After 112 miles, my legs feel okay, I still feel strong(ish) but the desire to keep going has been been washed out by the cold and the rain. The thought of running thought that again is more than I take. I’m done. But I loved it. Every cold, wet, miserable minute of it.

IMG_2770