Merry Christmas
Monthly Archives: December 2018
Watching Stuff 2018 (Andrew)
As move stars become telly stars, and telly stars become movie stars, and films become 20 part series culminating in Avengers: Infinity Series Finale War, I feel justified in combining favourite telly and favourite films into one this year.
Also, I watch them on the same sofa, so I’m including them in the same category! 🙂
Best Programme About Digging a Hole
Better Call Saul spent most of the year rock blasting an underground meth lab in Albuquerque but The Americans had almost an entire episode dedicate to digging up a coffin in tedious, tedious minutes until… well… watch it. Also, if you ever need to pack a dead spy into a suitcase then The Americans shows you how to meet your Ryanair baggage allowance with a foot to spare.
Best Film
Mandy, which is both unwatchable and something I never want to sit through again but also the one film this year that made me think: “I’ve not seen that before!”. Nic Cage. Heavy metal. A bag of cocaine? Demons! A DIY axe! Ken Barlow’s son’s penis?! The apocalypse???
Best B-Movie
Shout out to the old school action of Braven but the best b-movies have a rock solid plot and a brilliant bad guy and Better Watch Out had both. A film so good, if you google the reviews you’ll find many call it sick, awful and one of the worst films of last year. Which is all you need to know because the best b-movies get the worst reviews. (Also see Aquaman).
Favourite film
Your best film is never your favourite film. Your favourite film is the one you watch again and again. This year, there was only one film I watched twice (to go with the once I watched it last year as well). Superstar: Never Stop Never Stopping. Brilliant. Unless, like Lesley, you hate Andy Samberg then this film will be called Superstar: Please Stop!
Best Thing I Haven’t Finished Watching Yet
The Haunting of Hill House.
Best Thing I Saw All Year
No contest. The Leftovers. The first series has good moments but the second and third take everything from six series of Lost and said what if we remade Lost with all the single episode stories about different characters, with a whole dollop of religion, fantasy, conspiracy, an island (Australia) and a random kangaroo instead of a polar bear – but actually had an ending? Best thing all year (except for Andy Samburg singing The Bin Laden song so I’ve got a clip of that instead).
Music 2019 (Andrew)
Someone told me that you lose interest in music when you get to 40. Can’t remember who it was, can’t remember why we were talking about it, but, it stayed with me. I love music. And when I heard it I thought: “Not me, grandad, I’ll still be buying CD’s and tapes when I’m 100!”
I was wrong. I haven’t bought music in 10 years – thank you, Mr Internet! And, apologies to all those struggling bands not getting paid any more, I promise I’ll buy a ticket for your live show!
But, as I’m now 41, and officially older than 40, I do try and listen to as much new music as I can to prove that comment wrong.  I do sometime wonder why this comment stuck with me and not a useful one like “you’ll lose interest in cases and statutes when you get to 40!” and I would now be working furiously to be a top notch lawyer to prove them wrong. But, hey ho, I got music.
So, in a challenge similar to Iain’s – see his post – I  also tried this year to listen to different types of music. I tried jazz, opera, classic, techno and Abba. All the ones I would normally avoid (except country because no one should listen to country, not even for a Christmas timed music blog).  And this is what I learned:
I hate jazz.
I hate opera.
I hate any form of metal. Death. Thrash. Doom or -icca.
But… I did discover a love of modern classical, obscure German techno that goes BOOM, BOOM, BOOM and Kylie. (Who doesn’t love Kylie!)
Most of all I learned that music doesn’t have to end at a specific age because hearing new music is easier than it’s ever been. There’s millions of songs just a click away and the challenge now is not just to remain interested but to actually listen to music more than once. As soon I listen to an album, I listen to another then another and then it’s the next week and there’s more albums out and more tracks and I never get back to the songs I liked just seven days ago.
So, this year, when I was thinking of what music I loved, my favourites are those I returned to again and again such as:
Daithi – Have To Go
Calvin Harris should sue for plagiarism.
Sarah Blasko – Heaven Sent
Richard Marx should sue for ‘Hazard’.
Pictures of You – HMLTD
Lady Gaga should sue.
(I’m noticing a theme)
Confide In Me – Kylie (from the Abbey Road Session)
An original. Well, a live version of an original.
Teleman – Cactus
Finally, an actual original. Pity the rest of the album didn’t equal this.
Brockhampton – BOOGIE
And neither did this. But this is P A R T Y with a capital [expletive deleted – parental advisory warning]
The Joubert Singers – Stand On The Word – Larry Levan MixÂ
Praise the lord, this list is nearly over because we have the two best songs of the year.
Let’s Eat Grandma – Donnie Darko
Ten minutes. Doesn’t get going for two of them but, when it does, does it beat…
Sufjan Stevens – Visions of Gideon
And it does. While Visions of Gideon is pure heart breaking Sufjan Stevens it has the in-built advantage of me loving everything Sufjan has does for the last 10 years. So, in the spirit of new music, this year’s best song is….
Donnie Darko and here’s a video of it live with an awkward Dutch man in the front row wishing that he was anywhere else.
Films of the Year 2018 (Iain)
Stornoway (where I grew up) had a small one-screen cinema. The first film I saw there was E.T. I think I was 5 years old. I remember a man in a ticket booth took the money for the film from my Mum before handing me a small bit of paper that had “Admit one” written on it.Â
I then gave that ticket to another man who ripped it in to two half’s. He kept one half. I then handed my remaining half to another man as I entered the screening room. All three transactions occurred in a single corridor that couldn’t have been more than 5 meters long.
I clearly remember this because even back then, with my limited knowledge of the world, I thought to myself – this is really inefficient. The first man could have done all three of these jobs.Â
The cinema closed down shortly after this. Probably due to high staffing costs.
I don’t think this year has been a classic year for films. I can count on one hand the number of films I saw that were truly great so I wont list my top films of the year as there’s not enough. Instead I present my list of”things I noticed at the cinema that deserve a mention” I need to work on a better name for my list.
Best Stunt that deserves a mention
The Mission Impossible films aren’t films. They are potential crime scene recordings. Each one records an attempt on Tom Cruise’s life. From getting Tom to free-climb rock faces in MI2 to getting Tom to hang off aircraft in MI5 each film ups the ante in trying to kill off TC.
MI: Fallout wins this award for its closing action sequence – Tom Cruise hangs off an aircraft and then hangs off a rock face whilst a nuclear bomb threatens to go off. It’s a superbly filmed and choreographed sequence, which made me fear Tom would not make it out alive to be able to do MI7.
If the world was ever to end in a nuclear Armageddon, the only things that would survive are Cockroaches and Tom Cruise.
Scariest real life cinema Incident that deserves a mention
Whilst watching A Quiet Place I had to ask a woman to stop talking over the film. It’s afilm about people who get killed for making a noise. She could have get me  killed !!!!
The film that I think deserves a mention but lots of people hate
I loved the Han Solo Star Wars movie but afterwards the guy I saw it with said “I hated every f’ing second of it!” I think it’s fair to say reviews were mixed.
The film I think doesn’t deserve a mention but lots of people love
Black Panther has a 97% rating on rotten tomatoes. I must have seen a different film because the pantherI watched was boring! It should be called Bland Panther.
The cinema display that deserves a mentionÂ
Spiderman and Ironman look ok but then someone at Cineworld must have said “We need a female Marvel character for our display but we don’t have an official Marvel model we can use. Lets make one! How can difficult can it be?”
Its very difficult. It looks like a the hulk in drag.
The film that most deserves a mention
There is only one film that came to mind when I thought about a film of the year. Its not the best made film of the year – in fact, it looks very cheap in places. Its not the best written film of the year – some of it makes no sense what so ever. Its not the best acted film of the year – the lead actor is notoriously hammy. Its not the best directed film of the year – its overlong with scenes that add nothing to the story BUT its the only film I saw this year which made me think “what the fuck did I just watch???”Â
Its also the only film I saw that would only work when viewed at a cinema because it needs to overpower you with its visuals and sound.Â
The film is Mandy. A film its best to know nothing about before viewing. Just be aware that its going to be a head fuck of sound, visuals and performance. I still have no idea after viewing it what it was I saw but I’m glad I did.Â
Getting Started On Zwift (Andrew)
A few weeks ago I bought a smart trainer. Until then I had a dumb trainer, it would only do what I told it, and I told it to “woah – take it easy, there’s no need to go too fast!”
What I needed was a trainer with a PHD. That’s a trainer with a Pedal Harder Damnit attitude – and a smart trainer seemed the answer. A smart trainer is one that links to a laptop or tablet and adjusts your workout as you ride. And not just to make it easier, as I would adjust it, but it also makes it harder (damnit!).
With the trainer sorted, I knew I needed a training programme that would help me ride smarter too. I had a look at a few but Training Peaks seemed to require a spreadsheet and Sufferfest had the word Suffer in it’s title and who wants to suffer? Harderfest maybe? PushYouALittleBitMoreFest? But not Sufferbest? You might as well call it Quitfest. ‘Cause that’s what I’d be doing…
Instead, I tried Zwift on an iPad linked to my trainer because it promised I wouldn’t suffer as I’d be using it like a computer game. And, instead of spreadsheets like Training Peaks, I’d see a wee rider cycle round New York’s Central Park and the centre of London. It would be like Mario Kart!
The first time I used it, I didn’t know what I was doing. My wee man on screen was surrounded by other riders. I tried to ride round New York’s Central Park and keep my speed around 20mph. And I didn’t get it. It was slow. The trainer would increase resistance as I rode up hills and I didn’t understand why because I’d just drop the gears to make it easier and then –
– someone shot past me and I thought “follow them!” and then
– a group formed around me and I was in a peloton and we’re all doing 25mph and I’m thinking “I can’t be dropped”.
– then I’m climbing a hill and a message is telling me that if I keep this pace I’ll be in the top 50.
And I think “Now, I get it!”. Zwift is for folk who need a bit of competition to motivate themselves. It’s a game of jealousy and better my neighbour. Even though you don’t know the people around you, you suddenly want to be better than them just because they’re real people too. You’re no longer training on your own. You’re not just Mario – you’re also racing Luigi!
Since then, I’ve spent around 10 hours on Zwift trying various routes and features. But, despite the ability to customise my wee man on screen, I’ve point blank refused to do so. I know I can change the colour of his socks but why would you?! This is Zwift not Barbiefest.
In a few weeks I’ll report again and see how a month of Zwift compares to a month of trying to cycle in Scotland in December.
Top Of The Pops 2018 (Iain)
When I was 18 I wanted to be in a rock and roll band There was only one problem – I couldn’t sing. I had this confirmed when I auditioned for the school choir. The choir master asked me to sing “Doe Ray Me Far Sew La TeaDoh!” I got as far as Ray before he said “NEXT!”
In fact there was two problems. I also can’t play a musical instrument. I bought a guitar when I was 18 years old. 23 years later I still have it. I’ve never changed the strings on it. It sounds the same now as it did back then – bloody awful!
Whenever I look at the guitar, I remember what the great philosopher Homer Simpson said “If something’s hard to do, then it’s not worth doing”
I often wonder what would have happened if I had formed a band. What would the name be? It’s a tricky choice. The name would have to reflect both my personity and musical syle. I don’t think I’m shouty or angry enoughto carry off the name “Tropical Fuck Storm.” or am I prog rock enough to call myself “King Gizzard & the Lizard Wizard“Â
I could use my own name but someone has beaten me to it.
 All the band name’s I mentioned above are real names of bands! Surprisingly, Tropical Fuck Storm are not as punk and angry as the name suggests.Â
So in ourannual brak from sports blogs here’s my top 5 tunes of the year:
5. Neon Church by Tim Mcgraw
I like going musical exploring in Spotify – I choose a genre I don’t normally listen to and then try out various random songs and artists in it. I recently started listening to random Country & Western songs to see if were any I like. Whilst musical panning for gold I’ve had to listen to allot of nuggets of rock but this a great pop rock country song with a catchy chorus.
4. Don’t Fuck With Joe by The Blackwater Fever
I discovered this song at the same time as I discover Tim. Its a bluesy/rock blast. When played on daytime radio the lyrcis are changed to Don’t Mess With The Crows. I also work with a man called Joe so it has some relvance.
3. Lovely Stornoway by Calum Kennedy
I’d never heard of this song until this year but as I’m from Stornoway it has to make my top 5. My only complaint about the song is the lyric
Make your way to Stornoway,
On the road to Orinsay,
Orinsay is not on the road to Stornoway! Orinsay is an island! He should sing
Make your way to stornoway.
On the ferry to Orinsay.
2. Eat Shiitake Mushrooms – Let’s Eat Grandma
The worst named band on the list but probably the most musically interesting is Lets Eat Grandma. They mix musical styles from all out pop to drone rock. The amazing things is they are Teenagers. At their age I was getting rejected from the school choir.
1. Danny Nedelko by Idles
I don’t normally like punk rock. It can be a bit one dimensional but Idles delivered the most intelligent and prescient album of the year with songs dealing with toxic masculinity, immigration and the loss of a child. The description sounds somber but the tunes are surprisingly upbeat.
2019 – part 2 (Iain)
A few blogs ago, I wrote about my plan for 2019:
The only race I’ve never done before is an Ultra marathon. I’ve always been scared of the distance and the loneliness of running that far.
So, as its the only event I’m scared of and its the only running distance I’ve never done before then I know that’s what I have to do in 2019.
Now I just need to decide which one….
I can now exclusively reveal my choice of race isn’t just one ultra but two!
I did ask Runners World Magazine if they wanted the exclusive but after they said “Who are you? Why would we want that? How did you get this number?” I decided to reveal it here instead.
My first ultra is the John Muir Way Ultra. A 50KM race in East Lothian. I chose it because it’s flat, I love visiting East Lothian and I get a funky looking t-shirt if I complete it.
https://foxtrailscotland.co.uk/races/ultra/
My second ultra is the Devil O The Highlands race. A hillier longer race comprising 42 miles from Tyndrum to Fort William. I choose this because I wanted a distance that was scary (31 miles isn’t that different from a marathon but 42 is very different) I love this section of the West Highland Way, and, if I complete it, I get a funky looking t-shirt….there is a theme developing about how I choose events.
https://www.devilothehighlandsfootrace.co.uk/
The race also has one of the best disclaimers I’ve seen.
The event strives to be as inclusive as possible and the organizers have a zero tolerance policy to any form of discrimination. We are not fond of Donald Trump.
I think that’s one person most people are happy to discriminate against!
Game of Tat (Andrew)
“Christmas is coming, the runners are getting fat, look at the rain out the window, we ain’t going out in that!”
It’s December, it’s Christmas, and this year, Iain’s not getting anything sporty for his Christmas present…
https://twitter.com/AndyRTodd/status/1068831008529752064
https://twitter.com/AndyRTodd/status/1068831012472455168
https://twitter.com/AndyRTodd/status/1068831016511516672
https://twitter.com/AndyRTodd/status/1068831020668108807
Twin brothers swimming, cycling and running in Scotland 