Run 1 complete – 16 miles. Only 84 to go!

To run 100 miles in a week I have to average 14.3 miles a day. Just over a half marathon length. I normally only run three or four half marathons a year so its a big ask to do seven in seven days.

My plan is to get some runs longer than 14.2 miles in at the start so I bank up some spare miles in case I need an easy day.

I started the run at 0730. I didn’t set off with a distance in mind. I also didn’t set off with any food, drink or my GPS watch! D’oh!

In my defense I had initially planned a run loop thinking I’d return to my car every few miles. But I didn’t stick to my plan! Double D’OH!

I decided to use a my patent pending running technique that always makes long runs easier – I call it the distraction technique! if I don’t have to think too much about running then I run better.

So I decided to give my self the challenge/distraction of videoing my run. This meant I was always thinking about

a) Why is it so difficult to talk to a camera when nobody else is there

b) Why is it even harder to talk to a camera when someone else is there

I think its fair to say talking to a camera is not a skill I possess. It will be interesting to see whether I get better at it as the week progresses.

I also had to set up my camera to record the run as it was taking place. This mean I would occasionally run, set up a camera, run away from the camera to get a running shot and then have to run all the way back to retrieve my camera.

No wonder Michael Palin does all his travel shows with someone else doing all the camera work! It is hard work!

I felt good on the run. The distraction technique meant my pace was slow and easy due to frequent stops to film. Which should mean I’m good to run again tomorrow.

The weather wasn’t great but it is Scotland in summer. Rain is guaranteed!

The highlight of the run was spotting the stone painted to look like a rabbit. It is so good I thought at first it was a real rabbit.

Tomorrow the aim is to a similar distance but all on concrete. I’ll try to run as many streets in Stornoway as I can.

I knew it was bad when I started to cry. Not in a sad type way. More in a “AAAAAARRRRGGGGHHHH FLLLLIIIIIIPPPPPPPIINNNNGGGG NOOORRRAAA!” type way.

I was playing football and I knew as soon as I tried to tackle another player that they had a foot made of concrete and I had a foot made of napkins: strong enough to pick up pasta, not strong enough to build a house. There was only going to be one winner. I swung. He swung. He went right through me and I fell. I didn’t get up for three days.

When I hit the ground I snapped a tendon in my ankle. I tried to stand, I tried to hobble. I even tried to carry on “It’s alright, I’m okay!” but I quickly realised that you can’t play fives while hopping on one foot.

Someone drove me home while the game continued but as I didn’t have keys or my phone I was left standing outside my flat with no means to get in because I’d forgotten to bring my bag home with me. D’oh!

I then had to hop to my girlfriend (now wife) and hope that she was in.

I’m not sure what I looked like. Trainers, shorts, one legged and bawling but I do know that I saw no one on the way there. The same way that a charging lion doesn’t tend to see anyone because all the antelopes run away when they hear it roar. Hop. AAAAAARRRGGH. Hop. AAAAARRGGH. Hop.

That night I tried to sleep but I couldn’t even lay a blanket on my foot as the weight of even a silk sheet was like an elephant jumping on my foot.

“I think I need to go to the hospital,” I said.

“You think,” said the now Mrs TwinBikeRun, looking very haggard after a night of failing to sleep because I kept screaming.

At the hospital a doctor confirmed I’d snapped an ankle.

“But I’ve got some good news,” he said.

“Really?”

“Yes, you’re in luck, we’ve just had an orthopaedic boot returned so you won’t need crutches, instead you can wear a massive plastic welly with no toes that’s impossible to keep your feet dry when it rains and it makes it look like you’re doing a good impression of Robocop’s leg”

(Not his exact words, but that’s what he meant).

He then took out the boot.

“That looks like a moonboot,” I said, trying to convince myself that it would be cool to be an astronaught and that my return to work would see me being asked:

“How did you get injured.”

And I’d say: “Injured? Me? No, I’m off to the moon!”

But all the doctor said was: “A moonboot? Don’t be daft. It’s a surgical shoe.”

Trust a doctor to ruin things by naming it correctly. Just like they spoil that innocent headache you’ve had for three weeks by calling it a brain tumour. The spoilsports.

That’s why most runners don’t go to see the doctor when they’re injured. They’ll only tell you that you’re injured and that you have to stop running. And no one wants to be told that. Instead, if you don’t go to the doctor, you’ll never be injured…. unless someone snaps your ligament. Then definitely go and see a doctor.

It is 110 days since I last went to a shop. Now that lockdown restrictions have eased, and shop are allowed to open, I promise that I will wear a mask and only shop for absolutely essential purchases. Fudge donuts are essential purchases? Right?

The donut was a celebratory donut to as I’m on vacation. I haven’t had a week off since September 2019.

Normally, I would have a break at Christmas but my Dad took ill just before I was due home. I spent the holiday season in the Western Isles hospital. Which wasn’t too bad as they do delicious, cheap food there. One of the best places to eat on the island. So, at least I’d look forward to the food even if the reason for the visit wasn’t as jolly.

My dad is now in a care home in Lewis. He went in the week before lockdown began. Which means both he and I have both being locked up against our will. Thankfully we have both come round to it and we’ve tried to make the best of a bad situation.

Last week he told me he has a Tardis in his care home. Which is impressive, I didn’t think he even had a television. He say’s it takes him from Stornoway to Glasgow in seconds but its a bit small so he’s not allowed luggage.

I blame Tory cutbacks for care homes not being able to afford a decent sized Tardis.

He also mentioned that a Tardis is quite expensive so we won’t be getting one at home.

It took a few days before I worked out what he was doing. He was confusing the care home elevator with a Tardis. The care home is on two floors. He is on the second floor. He thinks his room is in Glasgow but when he comes downstairs and see’s my mum he remembers he is in Stornoway.

I could be wrong. It could be that my dad is Dr Who.

I’m heading up to see him this week and one of my aims whilst I’m there is to try and run 100 miles in 7 days.

For no reason other than – I’m not sure I can.

I haven’t worked out a plan yet. I’ll think about that when I get there.

In a previous post https://twinbikerun.com/2020/06/18/toddman-2020-andrew/ Andrew claims he won the inaugural Toddman extreme triathlon.

THIS IS FAKE NEWS!!! HE DID NOT WIN!!

If Usain Bolt ran the wrong way around the track during the 100m race would he be Olympic champion? No, he would be disqualified. He has to follow the rules of the race and run the same way as everyone else.

If Mike Tyson knocked out the ref instead of his opponent during a heavyweight boxing match would he be the heavyweight boxer of the world? No, he would be disqualified. He has to follow the rules of the fight and only punch his opponent.

If Donald Trump rigged the US election would he be US President? Ummm…not all rule breaker get the punishment they deserve.

Andrew is the Trump of Toddman. The rule was very clear. To win he had to touch the “iconic gate” at Todholes car park.

This is the iconic gate from The Barkley Marathons

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This is the gate at Todholes car park

Look at how iconic this gate is. It is green. Green is an iconic color. Tom Jones sung about the “green, green grass of home”, Glasgow Celtic wear green, the Grinch is green! It even looks like the iconic Barkley marathon gate. You couldn’t get a more iconic looking gate.

You probably didn’t even notice the one next to it because it is so un-iconic and boring. That is what @AndyRTodd touched. The fool!

I will see him in court!

Never a Toddman. Always a fraud.

The Toddman jersey will be mine.

Good news. It looks like Boris will relax lockdown on Monday and everyone will be able to visit family in another house. 

This is a great idea. We’re currently too frightened to leave home to return to work but there is nothing that will get me back in the office faster than the thought that the mother in law might pop in. 

“Who’s coming? Quick, I need to go to the office, I’ll be working for the rest of the day!”

Boris is also expected to announce that we’ll be free to exercise more than once a day, which is bit like announcing that we’ll be free to breathe more than once a day. We can already exercise more than once a day. There’s no law in England or Scotland that prevents you from going out as many times as you want and for as long as you want just as long as you maintain social distancing. Announcing we can exercise all day is good news but it’s no more news than announcing the sun rises in the morning.

Despite there being no legal reason not run a marathon every day followed by a 100 mile bike ride, I’ve tried to keep to less than an hour when out and about. That means I can run around 6 – 8 miles depending on fast I’m going. I thought that would be enough to cover a good bit of ground for my #EveryStreet challenge – see here – but, after the first attempt I think I may need quite a few runs to cover every street within one mile of the house.

It’s hard to remember every street and make sure you catch them all as you round. I can see I missed one street in the above sweep and will now have to add it on. Groan.

Also, in one hour I managed a few immediate streets but I hadn’t taken account of the number of backtracking or circling you need to do when confronted with a block of streets. I’m beginning to suspect that by running every street I may in fact be running #everystreettwice…

It seems that every day there is a different challenge. Former Tour De France winner Geraint Thomas is cycling 12 hours a day for three days in Zwift to raise money for the NHS. Captain Tom Moore, a 99 year old army veteran, has raised £15m by completing 100 laps of his back garden. And umpteen folk are trying to complete marathons in the smallest possible location. I wrote a couple of weeks ago that at least the lockdown would mean that we wouldn’t receive any ‘please sponsor me for charity’ emails – see here – but I was completely wrong about that. I don’t get anything but charity messages now. If I’m not donating to the NHS then my sponsored donkey is running an ultramarathon on the spot in someone’s living room as I write this. Oh well, at least it’s all for a good cause – and I couldn’t help joining in!

So, in an attempt to try a challenge that would be genuinely challenging as we would be going from zero to (helping an NHS) hero in the attempt, we tried the Andy Murray 100 volley challenge. You can see his attempt below:

Remember though that he is a professional tennis player and make it look easy. Too easy. Our first attempt at volleying the ball back and forth to each other last two volleys. Our next attempt was five. By the end of our first session we’d managed 36. But, if there’s one thing the lockdown has given us it’s time and a lack of other thing to do instead…

After two days and umpteen attempts we managed to complete the Andy Murray Challenge – and also completely fail it with our first attempt as the video show.

As the weather turns from “blimey, it’s sunny but that’s a cold wind!” to “cracking!” in the next few days I thought I’d share some random ‘rules’ about exercising during lockdown. Anyone got any others? Or disagree? 🙂

• ‘Road bikes’ are for roads, ‘mountain bikes’ are for mountains and ‘Gravel bikes’ are for folk who are easily persuaded to spend hundreds of pounds more on a road bikes with ever so slightly bigger tyres. But there is one type of bike that doesn’t exist and that’s the ‘pavement bike’. Bike are not designed for pavements. Ride your bike – but keep it on the road!
• Don’t wear your club cycling gear when secretly meeting other members (of other clubs, not heard of any GTCers doing this) for a four hour ride. It’s not a secret if four of you are wearing the same club top.
• And, no, the Crow Road (or favourite climb wherever you are) will not be quiet this weekend. Every other cyclist in north Glasgow (wherever you are) has had the same idea. You will be joining a peloton larger than the number of people trying to get a Zwift selfie with Geraint Thomas.
• Fat blokes must wear longer t-shirts. It’s great to see so many people running, especially when becoming fitter can help fight the virus, but this tip shouldn’t need saying, but say it I must, no one wants to see your under-gut, wear a longer t-shirt so you’re not flashing your belly.
• Fit bokes must wear a t-shirt. I know it’s sunny but the only fashion trend you should be following is “masks on” not “taps aff”. You don’t need to physically distance yourself from your running gear.
• You cannot outrun the virus, just because you’re running faster doesn’t mean you can brush someone as you pass and escape the coronavirus. Keep your distance even when running. Especially, if you have your top off. No one wants a drive-by sweat-swipe.
• Don’t go swimming. Not only will be breaking curfew you’ll be breaking in as the swimming pools are closed.
• You are not invisible when exercising. In fact, you must as well be out with a spotlight on you and a klaxon blaring “I AM A TWAT”. Remember, most people will hate you for being out and assume that you’re breaking some rule or other. Try and avoid busy places, be the first to cross the road if you see someone come towards you, stay well away when passing anyone. Just, in general, assume not only that you have the virus but you’ve also seen Colin from Accounts and he’s the most boring man alive and you want to avoid a conversation with him at all costs and act accordingly.
• Finally, don’t be a dick.
• Really, don’t be a dick. 🙂

The UK lock-down (which sounds more like a wrestling event than a disease prevention measure) means a lot of people are spending time at home instead of at the office.

This free time is a great opportunity to learn to write, or you could learn to paint, or you could learn to play a musical instrument – which means once lock-down is over there will be a lot of bad novels, bad art and bad music around!

Here at Twinbikerun we’re ahead of the curve. We’ve being making bad novels, bad art and bad music for years. As a bonus we also produce weekly blogs for people to enjoy/endure.

But there’s an important lesson we learnt doing these things. Our first book was “The Fat Minister’s Question time”

The Fat Minister was a character we created for twitter (https://twitter.com/thefatminister) so we could write jokes abut the Scottish Independence referendum. Any resemblance to any former First Minister is purely coincidental…

We collected the Fat Minster’s best jokes into a book. I re0read it before writing this and I can honestly say, like the SNP white paper it was based on, it hasn’t aged well.

We had no aim for the book. It was just a fun project to do so that we could work out how to write a book, publish it and sell it.

We’d have been happy if it sold just one copy.

It actually sold quite well. Beyond our expectation – two copies! One for me and one for Andrew. It helped that it was priced at 99p. Reviews were mixed. Some people loved it

and other didn’t love it as much.

But because we had written the book we received a couple of interesting requests.

1. We were asked to contribute to a BBC radio show about the independence referendum. Each week for six weeks we would go into the studio and give our comedic take on the weeks news. I still have the cheque from the BBC for my work. Considering how much I’ve paid them in licence fee payments, it was nice to get a bit back.
2. We were asked to support Eddie Izzard in concert! Yes – the real Eddie Izzard! We would go on before him and tell jokes to 2,000 people.

I’ll write about that next time….

The lesson I took from the book was don’t wait for anyone else to publish your book, or sell your painting or play your album. Just do everything yourself. You never know where it might lead.

DAY ONE 
Up at 6am. Breakfast: homemade kale smoothie.
Shower. Shave. PE with Joe Wicks. He’s BRILLIANT. 
Isn’t this fun? No telly for me, I’m going to learn to play Metallica’s Enter Sandman on a 12 string Mandolin. Can’t wait for rest of the lock down!

DAY TWO
Up at 7am. Breakfast: Coffee (two cups).
PE with Joe Wicks. Eff off, Joe, it’s too early in the morning. 
Back to bed.
Watch every episode of Friends on Netflix except the London episodes. They’re awful. I still have standards. Skip!

DAY THREE
Wake up. Surf net. Find a punchbag of Joe Wicks and order on Amazon. Up at 8am.
Breakfast: All the purple ones from a Quality Street selection box.
Switch on Joe. Switch off, Joe. Joe must die. 
Is 10am too early for Jack Daniels?
Look out window. Why are people jogging on the street? Don’t they know the world is ending? You can’t outrun death – he’ll get us all in the end!
Watch London episodes of Friends. Twice. Why did Ross say “Rachel” at the wedding?! Why, Ross, why?!? Emily loved you!

DAY FOUR
Up at noon. 

Food runs out. Bed surrounded by empty Quality Street wrappers. Must go out but supermarkets are filled with infected checkouts. According to a post I saw on Facebook I can only survive if I gargle lukewarm PG Tips and rub my chest in marmite. It must be true. I saw it on Facebook. But I have no marmite. 😦

Never-mind, I can survive without food. I’ll need too to as I have no bog roll.

Joe Wick’s punchbag arrives. The masked courier complains my delivery was not “essential travel”. They’re wrong: Joe. Must. Get. TWATTED.

DAY FIVE
Later, as I sit on my balcony eating the dog, I reflect on the unusual events that had taken place within this huge country during the previous four days.

My Dad had a brain aneurysm in his 30s. In recent years, he has displayed symptoms of dementia and Parkinson’s but due to his aneurysm, his brain seems unwilling to commit to one affliction or the other. Some days he will have bad memory from dementia but the next it will be a shaky hand from Parkinson’s.

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He took unwell and required hospitalization just before Christmas, which meant I spent the end of last year, and the start of this one, at home in the Western Isles, whilst he recovered in hospital.

Therefore, although January is the start of Celtman training it has taken second place to family issues.

It’s not all gloom though. There has been plenty of laughs. When he is in a confused state, he can be quite funny. Each day Mum asks him – does he know where he is? He comes up with some amazing replies.

One day Dad decided he was on a tram and he had to check all the tickets of the other passengers/patients. He told one poor bed ridden person that if he did not have a ticket by the time Dad came back he would throw him off the tram. The doctor came to visit Dad to see how he was. The doctor is quite a large fellow. Dad took one look at him and said, “Who let a fat man drive the tram?”

At least he recognised the Doctor was the man in charge.

If I didn’t laugh I’d cry.

Looking at my stats for the month, I am pleased to see that I did a bit more than in December.

My main aim has been quantity over quality. I’ve managed to do all the long runs and rides I had planned.

All my runs are on trail and usually hilly. All my rides are indoors on Zwift. I’m going full in on indoor training this year rather than outdoors. It’ll be interesting to see whether it works!

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