This is the third time we’ve entered the Antonine Trail Race. You can read the previous reports, including race description, here (2017) and here (2018).

This year the challenge was to run faster and try and best two hours, a challenge made much harder by forgetting my watch. D’oh! It’s very hard to race against the clock when you forget the clock!

The race is well organised with a good t-shirt, an environmentally friendly water policy (bring your own bottle), decent grub at the finish and a route that provides a decent off road challenge along with some cracking views along the front of the Campsies. And, for those that love mud, it provides more mud than a tabloid journalist. Though I have to confess that most of that mud might have come from an unexpected detour.

“Do you know where we’re going?” I asked Iain.

“Yes,” he said, “there’s another runner up ahead.”

The only runner I could see was off to one side, through a bank of trees and running along what appeared to be a nice dry path. We were running in the middle of a field that could had so much water it could only be used to grow rice.

My foot disappears into the earth. Euuugh!

“Who are you following?” I ask.

“Him,” says Iain, pointing at man in the wood.

“That what are we doing running across a field!?”

“He must have taken the wrong way!”

Someone took the wrong way, and I don’t think it was the man in the wood!

A couple of miles later we see another man with a number on his chest run towards us.

“I went the wrong way,” he said, “took a little detour!”

Which just goes to show it can happen to anyone, and we weren’t the only ones to end up in the wrong place, however it was ever so slightly dispiriting to find that even with his detour he then overtook us and ran over the horizon. Lapped by someone going the wrong way, that’s a new first.

Despite that, we finished in under two hours and I was happy to finish with a new personal best.

Barra is so beautiful it has the nickname Barradise. Unfortunately, today the weather was much like a Remainer’s view of the UK’s economic prospects after Brexit – bleak. Rain was battering the window and the wind was gusting to 40mph.

This was not good news for the cyclists. My wife’s sister does not like to ride a bike if the wind is gusting stronger than 30mph. When I saw her, she asked how windy it was. I did what any caring support crewmember would do. I lied. I told her it was windy but only 10 mph. I then added – it looks nice outside. It did not. It looked like the scene in Wizard of Oz when Dorothy’s house was blown away.

The start point of the Hebridean Way is in Vattersay. Which is six miles from Castlebay along a one way road. Traffic can go both ways but I call it one-way because the only way back is the one-way I came.

Thankfully, the rain had stopped by the time we gathered outside the B & B to start the adventure. I took some photos to mark the occasion. My wife and her sister started cycling. The rain immediately restarted. The first 10 minutes of riding was so wet Noah would have taken it as a sign to gather animals on to his boat two by two. I could have ridden with them but instead I choose the warmth and comfort of my car.

It took 45 minutes to bike to the start. Only 15 minutes by warm dry car. I thought it would be busy at the start considering all the cyclists we had seen on the boat but there was no one there, except for one German man. He was standing at the start looking a little lost. I said hello but he ran away.

I took some more photos to mark the occasion. As you can see from the picture. I wore a wetsuit for the occasion. Which meant I was the only one suitably attired for the Hebridean rain. 

They headed off whilst I drove to the ferry terminal that would take us to the next island – Eriskay.

I had an hour to kill once I got there so I was able to ride my bike until they turned up.

The ferry to Eriskay takes 40 minutes. There was a nice café in the ferry terminal. I had a fruit scone. A dog jumped up and tried to scoff it. I shouted “NO!” to try to deter the beast but it didn’t stop. The dog’s owner turned to me and said “The dog won’t hear you. He’s deaf”

“How do you know he’s deaf?” I replied.

“I sneak up behind him and shout but the dog doesn’t notice.”. Which seems a harsh test. Imagine sneaking up behind people and shouting loudly. Anyone not deaf will die of fright!

On the ferry journey we spotted some dolphins. Which made me think that if Africa has the big five then the Hebrides should too. My suggestion is

1. Dolphins
2. Golden Eagle
3. Eriskay Ponies
4. Otters
5. Seals

You would think there is less chance of death from meeting them than meeting the African big five but you would be wrong.

My wife crashed her bike when she spotted what she thought was a Golden Eagle. It wasn’t. She spent the rest of that day muttering about her sore leg and the face that “it was only a buzzard!”

Golden eagles are hard to spot. I know this because I once visited a RSPB hut. (Yes – I realise that last sentence is not very rock and roll but I am cool. Honest!)

In the hut bird-spotter’s record, in a book, what they have seen. One person had written “Golden Eagle” but next to it, someone else had written, “No you fucking didn’t”

Which proves Golden Eagles are hard to spot.

I always take my trainers with me on holiday. I have this idea that I’ll go for a run when I’m away. That it’ll be a chance to explore a new city or town and get a fresh perspective of where I am. Yet, every time I come home, I find my trainers have reminded firmly in a well wrapped bag.

(The bag has to be well wrapped as trainers, well, there’s no,other way to say this, STINK. And the very last thing you want to do is place your trainers tightly in with all your fresh holiday clothes in a closed bag because soon everything will smell of your feet…eugh!)

This year I decided that there was no point planning a holiday run. I was going to be away for two weeks, I had to bring hiking boots and taking a pair of trainers too felt like I’d be using too much space for footwear I would only use for a few hours, if that.

And, if I didn’t take my trainers, I wouldn’t feel guilty about not going for a run. You can’t feel guilty if you can’t actually do something. Just like I don’t feel guilty about not going to the moon, painting a stunning landscape or eating beatroot (it’s purple – only bruises and dinosaurs are purple!).

But, when I started to pack I realised I would have space for trainers if I wore my hiking boots onto the plane. If I didn’t pack,them, but wore them instead, I’d free up both space and weight. And then I thought, why not take my trainers but instead of thinking I should go for a run I would only aim to cover a mile instead: The Holiday Mile. A simple goal, less than 10 minutes and it would meet my goal of seeing more than just a hotel in wherever we stayed but would also be short enough that it didn’t feel like an imposition during the holiday. It would be over and done before breakfast.

And, as it turned out, if I went out for that first mile, I would also carry on if I was enjoying it.

Perfect

So, here then are my Holiday Miles for Dubai and Uganda.

Dubai

And all I can say is…

Don’t do it! I mean really, really don’t do it. I tried my holiday mile at the end of September when the temperature was 42 degrees and it was horrible. That’s not running, that’s cooking.

Also, I ran on the beach so I didn’t even use my trainers.

But apart from that, I was happy the Holiday Mile worked. I got out, I ran, And if I can do it on what felt like the surface of a barbecue then it can be done anywhere. Places like…

Kampala

One worry when running abroad is what happens if you get lost. It’s easy to do, you don’t know the area and signs may either be in other languages, other alphabets or non-existant. You might decide not run just because you don’t know where you are. What if you’re ina bad area of town?

That was my worry in Kampala, in Uganda. It was my first time in Central Africa and I didn’t know where one neighbourhood starts and another ends. Each road was either dirt track or basic tarmac and we were staying next to Lake Victoria and open ground. Luckily, I’d brought my Garmin watch with me and was keen to try out a new feature – Trackback, which would give you directions back to the start of your run.

I hoped not to use it. I thought I’d have a good sense of direction and was marking street corners in my head as I ran but, when I turned round, I managed to miss two turnings and ended up at the top of a hill next to a school and with no memory of seeing it before. I knew I was lost. This wasn’t the way I had come. But I had Trackback.

I switched it on, my watch showed a small map of the route I’d ran and an arrow point telling which direction to go. It then beeped when I ran passed a road I should have ran down and it warned me every time I ran in the wrong direction. It was brilliant. And I’ll forgive Garmin their dodgy straps – see Challenge Roth Swim – just for this function.

And, even better, I’d actually run two miles. A double Holiday Mile.

Why not try the Holiday Mile the next time you go away?

Whenever you enter a race you will need to travel. Unless you live by the ocean or a loch with enough space for a transition area then you’re going to plane, train our automobile it. Previously, I looked at planes – don’t fly! – and trains – don’t catch them! – and this week, the worst of them all… automobiles!

Some people may think a bike is the most important vehicle you need for a triathlon. But those people have, clearly, never tried to get a bike box into a hire car with umpteen suitcases and a boot that’s guaranteed to be one centimetre short of the length of your bike box – and the boot door won’t shut no matter how hard you press it down!!!

I collected one hire car from Geneva airpor. On the way to the rental car park, I had to get a minibus. Three other men were on it. Two friends from England, who were excitedly talking about all the Cols they were about to cycle, and Sir Clive Woodward, the former English World Cup winning manager.

The two guys got very excited when they spotted Sir Clive. They started asking him about the World Cup and then, once they ran out of stories about how they watched the final, they asked him for tips for improving their cycling. What could Sir Clive teach them about a winning mentality?

I didn’t ask anything. I have no interest in rugby so, apart from knowing vaguely who he was, I couldn’t think of anything to say to Sir Clive except “is a rugby ball just a squashed football or is it more complicated than that?!”

Once we left the mini-bus I thought I wouldn’t see the guys again but, as I collected my car, they were collecting their car in the next parking bay. Unfortunately, Sir Clive wasn’t there to help them as they hadn’t asked him the most important question of all about winning: how do you get two bike boxes into a tiny Renault Clio? Clearly, neither had thought to compare the bike box with the very small car they’d hired.

I thought of them again in Norway last year. We’d hired an estate for Norseman. Unfortunately, we also had three people to fit in the car too – and hadn’t thought to check how the third person would sit in the car if the back seat had to come down to fit the bike box.

A game of vehicular Tetris developed as we tried umpteen different angles to try and rotate and fit a bike box, three suitcases, three bags and three people into the estate while still keeping one seat up so that we didn’t have to crouch in the boot for a five hour drive to Eidfjord from Oslo.

In Roth, we came up with a better idea: we’d dismantle the bikes, as we tried to fit two bikes and four people into an SUV. This worked well until, after the race, we came back to the car and then had to spend the next hour on a dark street, using mobile phone torches for light, to pull together an impromptu workshop. It worked, everything fitted, but if you want to avoid any travel problems there’s really only one answer – always race at home!

So, I did.

Next week, the Hebridean Triathlon!

The number 666 is commonly associated with the Devil but did you know the number 33 is associated with God?

The reason why is because:

• AMEN in numeric form is 1+13+5+14=33.33 degrees latitude and 33 degrees longitude is where angels are supposed to have fallen to earth. and 33 Celsius was the temperature on Saturday that caused me to shout “OH MY GOD! It is so hot!” 

This year The Devil O’The Highlands was aptly named because it was hot as hell.

Glencoe (CP3) to Kinlochleven (CP4)

Up until CP3 the the conditions were warm but bearable but as soon as I left Glencoe the clouds parted and the sun broke through. It got hotter and hotter as I approached the Devils Staircase. There was no wind to cool me down which made the climb tougher than usual.  At the top I was greeted there was a Devil handing out Jelly Babies. I took one. I may have sold my soul in the process. I’m not sure. I didn’t have a chance to check the terms and conditions for taking a sweetie. From the top it was mostly downhill to Kinlcohleven. I enjoyed this section as the views were great and the running was easy although towards the end of the run I felt a slight pain in my left leg. I ignored it and hoped it would clear up once I was on flatter terrain. Just before the finish I heard someone sing “Woah, we’re half way there!” which worried me as i was sure we were two thirds of the way there. They than sang “Woah, livin’ on a prayer!”. Thankfully it wasn’t a runner proclaiming the distance but a walker playing Bon Jovi very loudly from a stereo strapped to his rucksack. He was walking with a few other folk who I hope all loved Bon Jovi too. I reached Kinlchleven about twenty minutes slower than planned but I was happy to have got this far in good time.Only 15 miles to go! 

Words fail me. Which is apt as I’ve just listened to the official Challenge Roth songs. I can only hear music…

And, once you listen to these songs, word will fail you too: http://www.spothouse.de/challenge/

Damn you, Florent Schaal – whoever you are!

The best thing about Strava is the Strava segments. Each one is a mini race that allows you to compare your effort with everyone else. I wrote about them here a couple of weeks ago when I discussed my attempt to become the fastest person to run the tallest hill in Stornoway.

But, damn you, Florent Schaal, you’re still the champion as while, my latest attempt was four seconds faster, it was still four seconds too slow to overtake your number one spot. I’m still second on the Strava leaderboard.

I don’t know who you are, but one day, I promise, you’re going down (to number two spot)!

During January I read eleven books.

The Voyeur’s Motel by Gay Talese
Mythos: The Greek Myths Retold by Stephen Fry
Everything I Know About Love by Dolly Alderton
Battle Scars: A Story of War and All That Follows by Jason Fox
How to Be a Footballer by Peter Crouch
The Secret Barrister: Stories of the Law and How It’s Broken by The Secret Barrister
Tiger Woods by Jeff Benedict
The Lost Soul of Eamonn Magee by Paul D. Gibson
A Boy in the Water: A Memoir by Tom Gregory
Delete This at Your Peril: The Bob Servant Emails by Bob Servant, Neil Forsyth
Bob Servant: Hero of Dundee by Bob Servant, Neil Forsyth

During February I read

Nowt. Not even a single word in a book.

What was the difference between January and February? In January I had hardly any access to the internet or to a television. During February I had unfettered access to the internet and television. I checked my internet usage using my iPhone’s screentime app.

18hr a week – that is time I could be reading a book….probably two books!

So, from last week I instigated #ScreenFreeSaturday and #SlightlyLessScreenTimeSundayToFriday. I need to work on the slogan for the second one!

The rules are simple. On a Saturday:

1. No TV
2. A phones is allowed but not for web browsing or social media.
3. WhatsApp and Facebook Messenger are allowed

On the rest of the week during the hours 8pm to 7am

1. TV is allowed
2. A phones is allowed but not for web browsing or social media.
3. WhatsApp and Facebook Messenger are allowed.

It could be argued that WhatsApp and Messenger should be blocked too but I class them as tools of communication in the same way as a phone call or a text message should be allowed. Blocking communication from friends and family is not the point of the exercise. It’s blocking mindless consumption of information i.e. status updates, tweets etc

I’ve been doing it for a week and I’ve already finished reading a book! I’ve watched TV and concentrated on the show instead of having one eye on TV and one eye on twitter. I’ve also had to face the truth – sometimes its good to have screen-time!

In that regard, I caved in on #ScreenFreeSaturday and used a screen. I wanted to watch telly in the evening. I’d done a race, it was a long day of driving and I just wanted to switch my brain off.

Saturday is a day I normally watch a film or something on the telly in the evening so it was hard to go cold turkey. So instead I did #ScreenFreeSunday which was still hard but I managed it!

I think I’ll aim to do Saturday eventually but for the moment I’ll break myself in gently by doing Sundays.

“Do you want to know who you will be facing today?”

The Chase has five chasers. I didn’t mind who we got as long as it wasn’t Mark “The Beast” Labbett as he rarely lost.  

We all looked towards the chasers empty seat. The lights dimmed. A silhouette appeared and then sat down. The lights come back on and it was….THE BEAST.  

BUGGER!

Bradley Walsh turned towards my team and said “Maggie, are you ready to face the Beast?”

At this point all I could think was that Maggie will be eaten alive! Bye Maggie it has been nice knowing you. Imagine coming all this way and going out in the first 5 minutes of the show. She was certain to get a  “Maggie – for you the chase is over” from Bradley Walsh.

Maggie went up and stormed the quick quiz round. She was amazing! In the one on one round The Beast offers her £26K to take a step closer to him.

We all advise her not to take it. Don’t take on the Beast!

She ignores all of us and goes for the money. She’d definitely a goner now! She wins easily. I was wrong…again. Maybe we have a chance after all.

I was up next. I did well in the quick quiz. I got the first question correct and that settled my nerves. I managed to get £6K. My only goal for the day was to get to the final chase.

I move onto the one on one round. The Beast offers me money to move close but there was no chance I was going to take it.

The first question was something to do with the English civil war. I’m Scottish. I don’t know anything about the civil war! I’m screwed. The beast will definitely know the answer. I take a guess. The answer is revealed and by some fluke I get it correct! A lucky start.

The second question is equally obscure. Something about county sizes in the USA. I have to guess again. So does the Beast. We both get it wrong. When this gets shown on TV this question is edited out. They must have decided it added nothing to the show to see two people get the same answer wrong when we both at this point had nothing to play for.

The next question “What is the name of the sitcom that stars Brendon O’Carroll as an Irish Mother?”

I choose “Mrs. Brown’s Boys”

He looks at me and says, “Are you confident with your answer?”

Yes – I was 100% confident in my answer. I also remembered that my mum had watched the show once but absolutely hated it. She couldn’t understand why it was so popular. So I replied to Bradley

“Yes – it’s my mum’s favourite show. She watches it all the time.”

I looked forward to seeing my mum’s face when she watched the show.  This relaxed me and I get the next few questions correct. Eventually, it came down to one last question. If I got it correct I was through. If I got it wrong then I’m out.

It’s about the biggest selling song of 2015. One option is Happiness by Pharrell Williams; another option is Let It Go from Frozen.

I choose Pharell because I have a keen interest in music and I was positive I’d read an article which had said it was the biggest selling song of 2015. Bradley Walsh asks if I’m sure? I say yes. He asks if I’m really sure? I now start to doubt myself. Are you really, really sure? Does he know something I don’t? I’m really quite doubtful now but I stick with my answer.

I’m correct!

Bradley admits he was sure it was Frozen and was sure I was going to be wrong. The Beast congratulates me and admits he thought it was Frozen too.

 Ellen is next. She doesn’t do well and is easily beaten.

Lewis is up next. He seems very nervous. He gets a couple of easy questions wrong in the quiz. He is loses to The Beast. He was easily the best quizzer of the three of us when we practiced beforehand. It shows how nerves can make even the best perform poorly.

Onto the last round. I’m not confident about winning but I think if we can score high teens then we might stand a chance.

The round starts. The questions come quickly. Maggie buzzes everything. I can barely get an answer in. if she doesn’t know a question she buzzes to say pass before I can answer. It was very annoying but we score a respectable 17. I think we could have scored more if she had taken a second to let me answer but we may have scored less. I’ll never know!

The Beast starts well but then he gets a question wrong. We get it correct. We push him back one. Then he gets another wrong and another. Eventually we push him back 5 times!

Unfortunately, it is not enough. He scores 18 with one second to go! I admit as I watched the clock tick down I was starting to think about what I would spend the winnings on.

Afterwards I sit on a train heading home from the studio. A couple are opposite me. They are holding a small trophy. I ask what it is. It’s a Pointless trophy. They’d won it that day. They ask if I’d come from the Studio. I tell them I was on The Chase. They ask If I’d won. I say no but I do have a signed pic of The Beast.