Last week I visited the pretty Cornwall town of St Mawes.

St Mawes is very long drive from Glasgow. I stopped en-route for a toilet break. Some people stop at a service station but I wanted something a bit classier so I stopped at Prince Charles house. The Queen uses the phrase the ‘Royal We’ but in my case it was a ‘Royal Wee’.

The Prince’s loos are very nice. The cubicle even has a painting in it. The sign next to it read “gifted/painted by David Andrews.” If I painted/gifted a present to Chaz I hope it would take pride of place in his house, not hung in the toilet used by commoners.

Whilst having a tour of his property I tried to find his WiFi network. I know this is a really geeky thing to do but I was really hoping it would be named “Your Royal Wifiness.” Unfortunately I didn’t get a WiFi signal anywhere near his house.

Away from his house I was shown a shed in his garden. The tour guide said this was Chaz’s personal meditation space and only the Prince had a PIN number to unlock the door. At this point my phone pinged to say it had found a WiFi network.

Aye right, mate, meditation. That’s why you need to lock the door!

His gardens are amazing. Probably the best I’ve ever seen. It was very inspiring. To think all it took to do the work was an unlimited amount of cash and not having to work for a living.

So on the way out I stole an apple from his garden. He’s taken enough money from the public purse so its only fair I get one measly apple in return.