The Glasgow SubRun was featured in the Sunday Mail on 31 December 2017 as something to do on New Year’s Day. Notwithstanding we don’t actually recommend doing it on New Year’s Day (there’s no trains so you can’t get a lift!), it’s a great article! 🙂
‘Tis But A Flesh Wound (Andrew)
Running with an injury should just be called ‘running’. Runners are always injured.
Ask any runner and they can talk for hours about their creaky knees, dodgy ankles and wonky hips. “But it’s always been like that!” They’ll add, forgetting that it wasn’t like that before they started running.
Runners are basically the Black Knight from Monty Python and the Holy Grail. Despite how many limbs are chopped off the knight still cries ’tis but a flesh wound!’ and battles on.
That’s why there are certain stages that runners go through when they run with injuries… sorry… when they run normally.
It Doesn’t Get Any Worse When I Run
At the moment I have a pain in my left foot. It falls into the category that I call “It Doesn’t Get Any Worse When I Run”.
This is an injury that’s just as sore when you walk as when you run. That mean, and this is logical, I can run because running doesn’t make it any worse! (Don’t think about the logic, just trust me!)
These types of injury also tend to fall into the related category of…
It Doesn’t Get Any Worse If I Run On Alternative Days
Again the logic here is sound. If the injury doesn’t get any worse because you only ran on a Monday and Wednesday then clearly you can’t be injured at all. An injury would hurt all the time so, if it only hurts on alternate days then it can’t be an injury at all. Simple.
After Five Minutes It Doesn’t Hurt When I Run
This is a tricky injury because it does hurt when you run. Usually quite painfully and in a way which suggest amputation may be in your future. However, after five minutes, all the pain goes away! (Though it does tend to return an hour after you stop – and ten times worse than it was before).
I’ve had this injury. I hurt my knee and every time I tried to run it would be very painful to put any weight on my leg for the first five minutes then everything was okay until I stopped and had to cry with the pain of it all.
However, as it wasn’t sore when I ran, or at least most of the time, it wasn’t an injury at all!
It Hurts When I Lie Down
Wimp! If it only hurts when you lie down then you know what to do – go for a run!
It Hurts All The Time
Okay, a runner may admit this may be an injury and will book an appointment to see a physio in three weeks time. In the meantime: keep running! You never know, it might heal on it’s own!
Training on Christmas Day (Andrew)
If you’re buying a Christmas present then people say it’s the thought that counts. Which is true, unless that thought is “this’ll do!” – then you need to think again.
A couple of years ago, at the office Christmas party I was given a book called “Hitler: His Rise To Power” as a Secret Santa present. Given I had neither expressed any previous interest in history, World War 2 or proclaimed to my colleagues that I was going to extend my desk by annexing a break out room I could only think this was some kind of message.
I started wondering if I’d displayed any Hitler like tendencies in the office and I had to admit that after some considerable soul searching and reflection of my despotic moments I WAS NOTHING LIKE HITLER!!!! 🙂
It was only later I found out the book had come from someone who’d heard I liked reading and they had a book on their bookshelf they’d never read because THEY DIDN’T LIKE HITLER TOO!
Top tip for Christmas – if giving Hitler as a gift please make sure the recipient really, really likes Hitler first. You might be surprised at how many people don’t want Hitler as a Christmas present. (Most of them).
But Christmas isn’t just about presents. It’s also about training because nothing says “I’m a serious athlete” than training on Christmas Day! And nothing says I’m not a serious athlete than eating your weight in chocolate because “I’ve been for a run, you know!”.
Going for a run on Christmas Day is the worst day for going for a run. The 200 calories are then quashed by the 20000 calories consumed as eating’s not cheating when you’ve been sprinting!
Despite it’s lack of any physical benefits, the Christmas Day run is a good mental boost. For the last 15 years I’ve been running on Christmas Day because I remembered a quote from Daley Thomson, the Olympic gold medal winning decathlete. He said he would always train on Christmas Day because he knew his main rivals would all take the day off. He was one day better than anyone else.
So, I’d run on Christmas Day and would then be one day better than everyone else.
But, in researching this post (yes, there’s research!), I found the actual quote from Daley Thomson and it turns out I’ve been doing it all wrong. He actually said:
“Train twice on Christmas Day. Your competitors may only train once…!
Nooooooo!!!!!
Not only have I not been better than any competitor I’ve been worse because I had two boxes of Quality Street too!
Nooooooo!!!!
No wonder I’ve never the Olympics!
Top of the Pops (Iain)
There are three types of twin – identical, fraternal and Jedward.
Identical twins are… identical (no surprise there, the clue’s in the name). Fraternal twins are brother and sister. Jedward twins are f&%ing mental! Two untalented brothers who hang out together, have the same hobbies and laugh at each others jokes.
Andrew and I are identical twins!
Ignore anyone who says: “are you sure you aren’t Jedward twins?” We are identical but there is one thing we differ on – music.
I read with interest his top 10 of the year. I’m not sure he was entirely honest with the readers of this blog.
Andrew has a giant picture of Justin Bieber on his bedroom wall. He’s a member of the Belieber fan club. He took Spanish lessons just to understand what JB was singing in Despacito.
What I’m saying is that it was surprising that JB’s no 1 fan, Andrew, had a lack of Bieber action in his top 10.
Andrew, it’s okay! You’re amongst friends. You don’t have to pretend you like cool London bands like The Horrors. Embrace your inner Justin and scream “baby, baby, baby, ooooooooooh”
So, instead of his list, here’s my selection. Which I have not filtered to be cool!
Arcade Fire – Everything Now
I don’t normally like Arcade Fire. I saw them play Glasgow University on there first ever visit to the UK. The drummer had a wee bird flapping about inside his drum kit. I couldn’t enjoy the gig because I kept wondering:
A) Did he put it there? If so, that seems very cruel.
B) If he didn’t put it there, should I have told him there was a bird trapped in his drum?
This though is a great upbeat song with hints of ABBA. Pity, the rest of the album was rubbish.
Bon Appetit – Katy Perry
This song follows the great American song writing tradition of writing about sex whilst pretending to be about something else. It goes back to Chuck Berry singing about his ding a ling, 50 Cent discussing his lollipop and just about every song on an R Kelly album.
This song is not cool or clever but it does have great production and it always makes me laugh because like all the other songs its pretty blatant what its actually about.
Richard Ashcroft – Hold On
Back in the 90’s I loved britpop. I grew my hair to look like Liam Gallacher. Thankfully only one photo existed of this. I look like a twat. I destroyed the photo.
This was a great return to form for Richard Ashcroft. Who’s mostly stayed out of the limelight since the end of Britpop. He can still write a great tune.
Plan B – Hearbeat
Plan B wrote the greatest song of the last ten years – Ill Manors. An angry punk/rap song that was a retort to David Cameron. It’s accompanied by a self written/self directed film of the same name which showed exactly what its like to grow up in London of ‘Broken Britain’. It’s not an easy watch but check it out if you can.
He’s also been out of the limelight for a few years but this showcases his talent: great vocals and great tune.
Galway Girl – Ed Sheeran
Is this the worst song ever made?
It certainly elicited the best review of the year (in The Guardian)
“The people of Galway must be hoping a nuclear bomb goes off in their county to save them the embarrassment of having to say – yes that Ed Sheeran song is about us.”
It’s a song so awful even his record company begged him to not include it on his album.
But my song of the year is Galway Girl because I admire a man who released a song even though he knew everyone would hate him. That’s more punk than any punk song. Just don’t make me listen to it!
PS Normal sporty related blogs will resume in the New Year. Over Christmas it’s just blogs about films/music and any other nonsense 🙂
Favourite Songs 2017 (Andrew)
The people of North Korea cannot own a radio. They don’t have access to the internet. They must watch TV programmes produced by and for the Government. Everything they hear and see and do is monitored by the state.
They have no human rights. They run out of food. If they say the wrong thing they could be jailed or worse. They are completely and utterly isolated.
But, on the other hand…
… they’ve never heard ‘Perfect Symphony’ by Ed Sheeran and Andrea Bocelli so life’s not at all bad in Pyongyang.
Here’s some better songs.
St Vincent ‘New York’
Ryan Gosling ‘City of Stars’
Lorde ‘Green Light’
Sufjan Stevens – EVERYTHING!!!
Tom McRae ‘It Doesn’t Really Matter’
Perfume Genius ‘Choir’
Zayn “I Don’t Want To Live Forever’
Thrice ‘Black Honey’
Four Tet ‘Planet’
And number one:
Norseman – The journey begins… (Iain)
The Chinese philosopher Confucius wrote “A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.”
The approximate distance from my house near Glasgow to Eidfjord (the Norwegian town where Norseman starts) is 1000 miles.
And I don’t step anywhere until I’ve booked a flight, arranged a hire car and reserved accommodation with AirBnB. So, forget what Confucius said, the phrase should be: a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single… mouse click.
Click 1 – Arrange a support crew.
It’s compulsory to have a support crew. Previously I did this by myself for Andrew. That worked fine but, if I’d had to run the final leg, then the logistics would have been tricky. This time I’ll have two support crew. It’ll make it a more enjoyable day for all of us.
Click 2 – Arrange a flight
There’s two flights from Scotland to Norway. One goes from Edinburgh to Oslo, the other from Aberdeen to Bergen. Bergen is the closer to Eidfjord but Aberdeen is much further from my house. The time I’d save driving in Norway would be lost driving in Scotland. I therefore booked a flight to Oslo.
Click 3 – Arrange accommodation
Eidfjord is very small with limited accommodation but I managed to arrange an Airbnb for a small village nearby – Ovre Eidfjord. I booked a chalet in Rjukan for the finish. I’ve stayed there before. They sell great pizza on site which I’m looking forward to having after the race.
Click 4 – Train for the race
I asked Google “How do I train for Norseman?”
Google replied: “Stop sitting on your ass at the computer!! You won’t get anywhere until you step outside!”
Maybe Confucious had a point after all…
The Last Jedi (Andrew)
STAR WARS THE LAST JEDI
What a cool planet! It’s all white but, but, when the spaceships fly over it, it turns RED!
WHOOAH!
AWESOME!
But…
What this?
It’s a random soldier in a trench.
Eff off!
That’s right. Eff the Eff Off.
We’ve already got too many characters! I don’t need another one! Especially not at the end of the movie! I mean, I still don’t even know why Rose is in the film?!?!? More Patrick Swayze/Poe having supercool space adventures with his best bud, spacebro Johny Utah/Finn. Less “Miss Obligatory Character For the Chinese Film Market” please!
But, oh well, here we go. What do you have to say for yourself random rebel squaddie?
“It’s salt!” he says.
And this is the crucial bit.
“It’s salt!” he says AFTER he’s dipped his finger in the ground and licked the soil!!!!
Who does that?!?!?
Who licks soil?
I’ve never gone on holiday. Popped down to the beach at Blackpool and thought: “I wonder what the ground’s made from?”
Then scooped up the sand and tasted it like a fine wine!
“Mmmmmm, sandy with a touch of sand! This is the real Blackpool rock!”
So who goes to another planet and thinks: “This brand new world is the right place to find a condiment!”
If anything, going to a new planet is the last place you should be tasting the ground. It’s alien. It’s unlikely to contain any compound or molecule or matter that will have any connection with you. He should be dead! Or at the very least his commanding officer should be questioning the wisdom of letting this salt-licking squaddie have a gun and live ammunition.
So, basically, what I’m saying is that in a film where the best character is still a man who looks like he’s rolled around a barbers floor while covered in superglue, that was the point I had to say:”Bring back Jar Jar Binks, this is just NONSENSE!”
(Film’s pretty decent though)
How not to swim (Iain)
Last week I attended a coached swim session. It was great. It’s much more enjoyable swimming with others than doing so by myself.
The only problem is:
- Triathletes lie about their ability.
- Triathletes are really competitive
I discovered this when the coach said: “I’d like you all to swim eight lengths (200m) of the pool at 70% race pace. I’ll time you. Who wants to go first?”
No one volunteered to go first.
“Come on! Who’s fastest?”
Everyone started looking at each other in the same way a lift of strangers look at each other after one person has farted. Who is it?
I looked at the man next to me. He was solid muscle. His back had the classic v-profile of an Olympic swimmer. He wore tiny Speedos that were so small and revealing they looked like they’d been tattoo’d to his crotch. His swim goggles cost more than my last car.
“Hurry up! Someone has to go first!”
The only time I’ve been mistaken for a swimmer was when a hairdresser said to me “Are you a swimmer?” I beamed with pride and replied “yes” thinking it was because of my swimmers physique – but my pride was quickly punctured when the hairdresser said “I thought so – I looked at your hair. It’s in terrible condition. It’s dry from chlorine.”
My swim shorts are run shorts. There’s no point buying one pair for running and one for swimming and it means my run shorts get a wash. My goggles are whatever I can find in the lost and of found bucket of my local pool. I am not a swimmer.
He looked at me again. It wasn’t that he was in a different league to me. It was that we aren’t even playing the same sport.
He said: “you first, mate”
I replied, “no thanks. You should definitely go first.”
He thought about it and said, “no – I think your quicker.”
So I went first. I had a five second head start. On the sixth second, he caught up.
I went as fast as I could but he kept having to stop to wait for me.
After we’d finished eight laps the coach said, “are you all happy with your time?”
The man who couldn’t have been more like a fish even if he’d had gills said, “I could have gone faster but I got help up!” Maybe if you hadn’t lied about your ability you wouldn’t have got held up. If you’re good at something it’s ok to say your good at it.
I then looked round and saw everyone else. It was like the scene at the start of Saving Private Ryan. Bodies were strewn in the water. People screaming in agony. One man looked like he’d swum himself into a heart attack.
The coach asked “Was that 70% effort?” No-one replied. They were all completely f&%ked!
At last the man having the heart attack said through wheezy, definitely non competitive, gasps of death “I think I went 65%!”
Marcothon 2017
The Marcothon is a 31 day challenge to run 5km or 25 minutes every day in December.
Day One
Bugger. I forgot today was day one. I’m sitting on my turbo trainer halfway through a 45 minute session when I remember that today’s the first day of December and I was going to attempt the Marcothon. Bugger.
I debate for 25 minutes whether I should go for a run after I finish the bike. It’s dark. It’s cold. I don’t want to but…
… isn’t that the point?
You have to go out no matter what, even if you’ve stupidly started riding when you could have been running.
I go out. It’s dark. It’s cold. I plod round a circle of street round the house until my watch says I’ve run 3 miles then I stop.
Then I remember I promised to go mountain biking in the morning. Bugger.
Day Two
After two hours of mountain biking round Whitelee wind farm I debate going for a run straight after or leaving it to later in the day when I’ll be at Turnberry for the night. Having checked out Google maps I can see there’s a nice 1.5 mile run to the Turnberry lighthouse which means an out and back run will at least give me something to aim at as, while it’ll be dark, you can’t miss a bright white lighthouse.
My legs are heavy but running in the dark keeps me distracted as I look out for cars driving on the main road, then look out for potholes in the ground while running on a closed road to the lighthouse. There’s a Land Rover outside the lighthouse and lights in the house below. It’s only the next day I find out that you can hire the lighthouse and I was standing outside, breathing heavily, sweating profusely, trying to stare in the windows…. at hotel guests who were not expecting a red-faced stranger to be standing outside!
Day Three
Run in the morning? Yes. Definitely. Back to the lighthouse! But first, a spa! Then breakfast! A buffet? Don’t mind if I do? Run now? No chance…
Back to Glasgow. Run at lunchtime? Definitely. Wait. Is that Rangers v Aberdeen? I should watch that first…
Run after the game? Okay. Wait. The dog needs walked.
Run after the walk. Legs heavy. Body sore after yesterday’s ride and run. Still thinking of breakfast. Okay! But it wasn’t fast and it wasn’t pleasant.
Day three done.
Day Four
Stress injury in left foot. Bit of a niggle but I decide that the Marcothon is a stupid idea. Day off.
Marcothon done – I can now enjoy the rest of the month! 🙂
Triathlete’s Dictionary: Rushing Roulette
Rushing Roulette
phrase
A lethal game of chance in which a cyclist decides to go for a ride without a spare inner tube. Frequently involve rushing to leave and forgetting to replace the flat tube in your saddle bag that you absolutely meant to replace the night before. Also involves the phrase “I’m sure I’ll be alright – what’s the chances of getting a puncture?”. Phrase frequently uttered 10 miles from civilisation and 30 seconds before puncture.
Usage: “I had to walk home after a game of rushing roulette!“
Twin brothers swimming, cycling and running in Scotland 