When I was younger, checking my blood pressure was just a box I had to tick when entering some races. The entry requirements would ask: Do you have high blood pressure? No, I’d write down. Can you bring a GP certificate to confirm it when you register? Erm…
I don’t know why some races asked for a GP certificate, when most do not. I think I’ve only been asked for it once for a run, but several times for bike races. I guess the tight lycra makes middle aged men squeezed into it like a sausage more prone to high blood pressure and organisers keep a careful eye on lycra corseted riders before they let them start.
I always failed the blood pressure test. I would have to pay a GP to test me, because they don’t offer tests for free, and the result would always be:
“Your blood pressure is too high.”
And then they would add:
“It’s probably because you are getting a blood pressure test. That’s quite stressful. Of course, your blood pressure is going to be high. Let’s try again in 10 minutes.”
And, after an hour, and several attempts to retake it, and Yoga and stretching, and clearing my mind, I would emerge from the surgery with a certificate confirming I had normal blood pressure. Just.
Then, one year, Iain TwinBikeRun discovered you could buy a doctor’s stamp from Amazon and you didn’t need a GP letter, just an ordinary letter stamped with his make-your-own stamp from Amazon. He made a stamp from the surgery of “Dr Cupmaballs”. No one ever questioned “Dr Cupmaballs” and his expert opinion of Iain TwinBikeRun’s low blood pressure.
However even Dr Cupmaballs couldn’t help me. With a history of high blood pressure from both Mum and Dad I knew it would only be a matter of time before I would get diagnosed too. That time was 2025 and, after a routine check-up, I was prescribed some pills and I asked:
“How long do I take them?”
“The rest of your life.” Said the Doctor.
“I hope that’s a long time,” I said.
“It’ll be longer than if you didn’t take them.” He said.
That how I ended up no longer running clean. I am a ‘dirty runner’. I should enter the Enhanced Games. I take a small pill with a small dose every morning to keep my blood pressure in a normal range. I never noticed when my blood pressure was abnormal, increasing my risk of a heart attack or other health problems. And I don’t notice anything different now that’s it normal. I think that’s why they call high blood pressure a silent killer. You don’t know you have it until it’s too late, or until Dr CupMaBalls refuses to give you a clean bill of health.
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