Saunas and steam rooms are crazy. I’ve mentioned that before. See blog here. But gyms are no better. When I look back I can’t help thinking why I thought any of this was acceptable.

Only in a gym would you see a girl and boy swap places on a weights machine and kiss each time they stopped while shouting “Smash it, babe!”. Not just once, not just twice, but three times, which means six times as they were each doing three sets. Smash it, babe. Smooch. Smash it, babe. Smooch. Smash it…. Stop it. This is a gym, not a kissing booth.

Only in the gym would you see someone taking a selfie in the changing rooms while flexing a bicep. I don’t care how big your bicep is and how keen you are to show it to the world, can you not show them my bare bum in the background too?

Only in the gym do you pull your hood over your head even though your running on a treadmill and it keeps bouncing off your bonce every twenty seconds. Why are you even wearing a hoodie anyway? Uisean Bolt didn’t wear a hoodie to run the 100 metres. Mo Farah doesn’t shop in George for Asda for his running gear? Why are you even wearing a hoodie? And why does it have no sleeves??!?

Only in the gym is it acceptable to have an entourage. Anywhere else and it would be a group or a gang or a gathering. In the gym, the five of you hanging out at the weights rack can only be described as an entourage, which is French for wallys because all of them are wearing trackie bottoms, a sleeveless hoodie – and a cap. Which leads me to…

Only in the gym will you see someone with superglue on their head. Yes, superglue. Because it can only be superglue keeping that cap on their heads because it stays on their head even when they lie back on a bench and press 200 pounds. Why does the cap not fall off? Does working out make you immune to the universal laws of gravity?

Only in the gym can someone have an orgasm louder than Meg Ryan in When Harry Met Sally and no one bats an eyelid. Who knew that lowering a bar would lead to so much joy you have to scream: “Oooooooohhhh Aaaaaaaahhhhhh Ooooooooohh” like Nick The Headless Horseman at an orgy.

And, of course, there’s only one thing worse that you can see at the gym. The one thing I’m glad I can no longer see while gyms remain in lockdown – yourself in the mirror. There’s no worst sight than catching yourself halway through a rep with a face that suggests you’ve just had a stroke while being slapped red raw with an extra big kipper.

Gyms should remain shut. Or at least all mirrors should be removed from gyms before they’re allowed to re-open.