Whenever you enter a race you will need to travel. Unless you live by the ocean or a loch with enough space for a transition area then you’re going to plane, train our automobile it. Last week, I looked at planes – don’t fly! – and this week, I look at what you need to know about catching the train…

The problem with traveling by train is that the train has other people. Adults talking; babies squalling; lads drinking; mobile phones blaring; laptops glaring. It doesn’t matter what carriage you get, or how long you travel, there is one thing guaranteed: you will always be sat near a knob – and it’s time we told them to shut the hell up!

But we have a problem. We may want to tell the dick on the train* that they are being a dick, but we are  scared that if we tell them to shut up we will ourselves become… the dick on the train.

Psychologically, you have become victim of a ‘double dicking’ i.e. by telling a knob to shut up you become twice as big a knob.

Double dicking in action 

“Did you see what that man did, Mummy?”

“Yes, dear, he tried to stop those nice young lads chanting a catchy song about their rival football team’s sexuality, that we were all secretly rather enjoying.”

“What a dick!”

“Exactly, dear, let’s glower at him to show our disapproval!”

What can we do?

We need an anonymous way to inform the dick on the train that we are watching them – and we don’t approve!

We need… a dicklight!

It’s simple. Every seat will have a large blue light. Every other seat will have the power to switch on that light remotely from a special keypad.

This may be expensive to install in every seat but, trust me, it’ll be worth it.

Once the dicklight is installed, if you act like a dick in seat 45, the passenger in seat 78 can just just switch on your dicklight  and the spotlight of shame will shine upon you!

Easy!

Dicklight version 2.0

But, what if the dick doesn’t know why they are being a dick? What if you just want to tell them to nip to the loo and have a wash under theirs arms to get rid of their bad B.O.? Sometimes dicks smell.

Simple – along with the dicklight we have dick text – an anonymous inter seat texting service. Shine a light and send them a message: “You smell!”

And, if you see a pretty lady, why not try dickflirt?

Perfect!

The only thing trains won’t have is dick flashing, because that sounds dirty, and children will just giggle.

A true story

Now, if Scotrail had introduced the dicklight two weeks ago, I would not have had to suffer silently when I saw, through a gap in the seats in front of me, a middle aged man watching pornography on his laptop. Sweaty hardcore pornography.

I could have switched on his dicklight! I could have sent him a dicktext! Because just as I caught a glimpse of a XXX double dicking, he switched it off!

And then he put on Mrs Brown’s Boys!

What a dick.

In summary

Don’t leave your house!

*The dick on the train is a distant cousin of Jasper Carrot’s nutter on the bus