Peppa Pig. Peppa Pig. Peppa Pig. Peppa Pig. All I watched all year was Peppa Pig. And Bluey. And Paddington. And Blue’s Clue And You. And The Wiggles. And Ms Rachel. And Peppa Pig, again.

But the best of the lot was Hey Duggee. If you’ve not seen Hey Duggee it involves five kids and their child minder, a dog, named Duggee. Who doesn’t speak, even though all the other characters are animals and do speak. Except Duggee’s pet cat, Enid, who doesn’t speak either. Which is very dark when you think about it. The lions speak. The tigers speak. But if you’re a cat, you are the pet of a childminder that doesn’t speak but does run a kids playgroup, even though the minder to child ratios are illegal, and he’s a dog.

But every episode involves the kids getting a badge to find out something new and the jokes are smart, the graphics are surreal and colourful, and you can’t helping thinking at the end of every episode when the narrator, Alexander Armstrong, says “Well, that was fun, Duggee!”, he’s being sarcastic. Sly and funny and too good to be on a loop like Peppa. Duggee is saved for just before bedtime (daughters), I get to stay up later.

What I watched when not watching Peppa:

The Gentlemen – Worth it just for “you’re a chicken”

Penguin – Worth it just for Colin Farrell’s makeup

For All Mankind Season 2 – Worth it for one of the actors saying “Oi Colin, I don’t need a fatsuit” after eating lots of ice cream to show what happens when their character gives in, pigs out and then tries to become an astronaught again. Less a show and more adult onset diabetes in 10 episodes.

Race Around The World – Almost makes 16 hours on a bus look attractive

Silo – only programme I’ve watched this year where I have to watch the next episode as soon it comes out

There is a current trend for films to be split into two parts. Dune, Mission Impossible and, in the cinema now, the musical Wicked. All have a part 1 and a part 2. I can only imagine that filmmakers did this because they have young kids – as all my films this year have been split into two parts because I don’t have enough time in the evening to watch an entire film after our three year old has gone to bed.

But how do you split a film into two (or more) parts? The first thing to do is to check the film’s running time. If it’s less than 90 minutes, there’s a chance you might be able to watch it in one go. But if it’s longer than I try and watch around an hour for part 1 and then whatever time is left for part 2. If longer than 2 and half hours then we’re into two 90 minute film territories and I watch to half way and then the second half the following night.

This worked well for Killers of the Flower Moon and Babylon, both of which were over three hours long and largely episodic, less so for films like Avatar where the action is towards the end and part 1 becomes a slog and part 2 has all the ‘good bits’.

Now you might think that watching films in half means you will watch fewer films. But you’d be wrong – because kids can watch films all the time and while you might see fewer films, you will see more film as the same films will play each and every day. Moana I’m looking at you. And you, Encanto. And don’t think I can’t see you at the back, Frozen. All of which are on a constant loop.

At Christmas, we went to see Moana 2 and my wife asked me what I thought of it:

“I don’t know, I’ll need to see it another 127 times to know if it’s any good,” I said.

So, if we ignore Disney, and Moana (though its clearly the film of the year as I’m still watching it and enjoying it on the 128th viewing) my favourite films were:

Babylon – one of the worst films I’ve seen this year because of the opening and also the best film I saw this year by a mile because of the sheer flawed ambition of it.

Final Cut – a zombie film. And that’s all you should know because the delight in this film comes from finding out what exactly it means when it says it’s a zombie film.

Sisu – one man. Nazis. Fight! Sisu I think is Finnish for bloodbath.

Pearl – one woman. No nazis. Barely any blood until there is.

Abigail – very enjoyable nonsense – with lots of blood

Hitman – enjoyable nonsense with no blood

Kneecap – f***king enjoyable nonsense

Reality – a film made entirely from FBI transcripts of the arrest of a possible whistleblower.

Late Night With The Devil – another true story, in theory…

Across the Spiderverse – I didn’t enjoy the first one, but the sequel was great (as is it’s soundtrack)

Blackberry – The Social Network with phones

Wonka – Paddington with chocolate

Dune 2 – which despite being a part 2, I saw all in one go at the IMAX, otherwise it would have been part 2 and part 3.

I love the US comedian Andy Samburg so the fact that this year he returned to Saturday Night Live with two new songs with his band, The Lonely Island, made my year. My favourite was their collaboration with Charlie XCX: ‘Here I Go’.

Who needs Brat summer, when you have Lonely Island autumn?

Of course they didn’t play the uncensored version on Saturday Night Live, just as SNL are unlikely to plan any songs by Northern Irish band ‘Kneecap’. In fact I’m not even sure WordPress will link to them either as they answer the question: what would happen if Eminem grew up in West Belfast?

Which is almost as filthy as my next choice. Except my next choice isn’t filthy but you keep expecting it to be. Even though it’s not. And it’s a kids song. And they do everything to make it not filthy. But still. It’s filthy. Even thought it’s not. It’s The Wiggles ‘Bouncing Balls’.

But this definitely is filthy. The Dare’s ‘Girls’

For something a bit calmer. Father John Mistry’s ‘Screamland’

But favourite song could have any of several Chappell Roan songs but, in the end, it had to be this one.

And favourite Album: Fontaines D.C. ‘Romance’

One of my friends at university was a chemistry student. Instead of writing essays or sitting exams he was judged on the experiments he conducted in his laboratory. He’d combine chemicals together to see how they reacted. Some would crackle, some would pop, and some would produce a catastrophic nuclear meltdown so he largely avoided those experiments.

In general, he wouldn’t add chemicals together randomly. Everything was meant to be based on analysis on paper before moving to the actual chemicals themselves. But he was a student – and students always take shortcuts. So, sometimes he would add the chemicals together before he worked out everything that might happen to them.

One day he came home and he couldn’t talk. When I said “hello” he took out a notepad and wrote “hello” on it. “What happened,” I asked. He wrote “I invented mustard gas!”. 

Later, when his voice returned, he explained what happened. 

“I was trying to combine a couple of chemicals together to create a detergent like gas. It was meant to be a mild cleanser that you could use as a spray to keep your hands clean. Unfortunately, I got my measurements wrong. Even worse, I forgot the danger of sniffing the gas. When you sniff a gas in a test tube you should use your hand to gently waft the air towards you. And then you should only do that if it is completely safe. I, however, accidentally created mustard gas. And then I sniffed the test tube like Scarface with nasal deep in a mountain of cocaine. The gas burned my throat and I had to drink cups of butter for a week to keep it moist and to stop it scarring over.”

However, even after accidentally giving his throat an acid bath and downing liquid Lurpack unsalted like it was a pint of lager, if you asked him what the worst smell in the world was, then his homemade mustard gas would only be number 2 on his list. At number 1 he would say “your smelly trainers!”

It seems unfair that your own boady can generate a smell that your own nose rejects. Why is it that one whiff of a pair of trainers after a long run can know you out faster than Anthony Joshua against, well, anyone? 

When I travel with my trainers, I have to make sure to wrap them not just in a trainer back but two bin bags too. I can’t risk the cross contamination of having my trainers in the same bag as my clothes. Instead, I wrap them so tightly I’ve created a vacuum so powerful James Dyson wants to patent it.

But, no more. 

Last month my wife bought me a special gift: charcoal bags from Shoe Ninja. Special bags that fit inside each trainer and draw out the moisture (and the smell). How they work, I don’t know. Do they work? I don’t know either. I think they do. I think that when I take the bag out of the shoe, the shoe doesn’t smell as strong as it would have if there had been nothing there. But I can’t tell for certain. 

The one thing that makes me think they might have no practical benefit is that the instructions ask me to ‘refresh’ the shoe ninja each month by leaving them out in the sunshine so the sunshine can ‘recharge’ the charcoal. Which doesn’t sound like any science I know, especially when the charcoal is in a cloth bag and has as much chance of seeing the sun as, well, Tony Montana seeing the next day at the end of Scarface. It sounds as daft as snorting mustard gas.

So, can I recommend this product? Maybe. It might work but then again it might not!