For the last few months I have had an itchy back, which is annoying, as I can’t quite reach the itchy parts without first stretching and warming up with a full Yoga practice. Instead I’ve learned to scratch using the corner of a table, like a dog.

To help my skin I switched to using a non-soap body wash. If you don’t know, a non-soap body wash is one which doesn’t produce a lather and is meant to be kinder on your skin. The only side effect is that it’s impossible to tell which parts of your body you’ve washed as there no suds to wash off. You might as well be rubbing your body with an invisible gel. There’s nothing to see. How can I be clean if there’s nothing to wash off?

While the non-soap body wash helped reduce my itching I thought it would be an idea to check with my GP if there was anything else I could do. And he told me something I never thought I would hear. He said:

“Wash less.”

“Like don’t take a shower?” I asked

“You need to shower less,” he said, “washing too much can dry your skin out and you only need to shower a few times a week, not every day.”

I might have fibbed. When he asked “Do you shower every day?” I said “yes” because I didn’t want him to think I was a dirty stopout. But, with a shower every two days and often more than one shower in a day as I might shower in the morning then shower again after doing some execise, I probably do average 7 – 8 showers a week.

“It’s too much,” he said, “I can see from your back and neck that your skin is not getting enough moisture. Just use some moisturiser and don’t worry about washing every day.”

Like I said I never thought a doctor would want me to be less hygienic but, according to him, washing less is more hygienic than washing more.

Of course, if you start to smell, or start looking like you’ve spent all day jumping up and down in muddy puddles, you should still wash. Washing less may improve your skin, but it’s not going to improve your social skills if no one will venture near you.

So, if you’re currently on a training programme for a summer event and training most days, then remember that it’s okay to not wash. Not washing may be the key to getting you the start line fit and healthy (if not smell free)!

Every beach in Orkney must be a viking beach. Just as every pub in Glasgow is a stabbing pub. They are one and the same. You can’t find a non-viking beach just as you won’t find a pub in Glasgow that hasn’t had some point had someone say “R use looking at ma pint!”

But just beside Scapa Flow, you can find the titular Viking Beach itself, a name that stuck out on the map when I was looking for somewhere to swim and with a beach that looked decent, at least on the satellite view.

My mistake though was to drive past all the calm seas and other beaches on the way and to still swim in this one despite the strong breakers on the shore.

Orkney has hundreds of beaches, and, around Scapa Flow, you can chose many that are either side of the island and only minutes apart. Yet I still carried on with the one that had the strongest current.

The beach was shallow and I was never in any danger. I remained entirely in areas where I could still stand up. But it was a tough swim and I was glad I also had Mrs TwinBikeWife onshore as a spotter.

An important lesson for today’s swim: if the conditions look dicey, just change location. Or don’t swim.

And an important reminder: don’t swim alone.

REVIEW

Ease of Access: There’s a small car park next to the beach with room for 6 – 8 cars. The car park also has a toilet block, which is handy for getting changed – and for washing sand from feet in the sink!

Water quality:  There’s also plenty of room to swim before the beach starts to drop away.

Swim Quality: I imagine it would be great on a good day, see above.

Other People: Despite it being a sunny evening, no one else was around.

Would I go back: Yes but I would check the waves first.

There are some secrets that are so secret that not even the President knows about them. Those secrets are above “Classified”, they are more closely guarded than “Top Secret”, they are only known to a select few as “Swimming Pool Opening Times”.

I don’t think I’ve ever been able to find the opening times for a swimming pool on any council website. Glasgow City Council can easily tell you if their gyms are open, but if you want to know whether a swimming pool is open, or, even worse, whether the sauna will be open too, then you might as well have been asking for nuclear secrets. 

I used to swim regularly in Tollcross Swimming Pool, Glasgow’s only pool with a 50m pool, but I stopped after I realised the only way to find out if the pool was open was to turn up as anything written on their website had to be read Jamie Oliver style: with a pinch of salt.

Highland Council is no better. I spent a good 10 minutes trying to work out from its website whether Dingwall swimming pool would be open in the morning for a 7am swim. In the end, I could only confirm the leisure centre would be open as every link to a swim timetable led nowhere. I would just have to turn up and see.

Luckily, it was open, though whether you can use that as guidance for any other days, I’m not so sure. I don’t have the clearance.

Cost: £8 as a non-member. Pricy.

Facilities: £1 for a locker.  Decent size cubicle and nice and clean changing area. 

Swimming pool: Having grown up with a swimming pool that had a viewing gallery on the first floor, it felt reassuringly familiar to see this 1970s design in action again. The pool was divided into lanes and was 25m. Curiously, the steps/ladder into the pool was on the opposite side to the entrance into the pool from the changing facilities. Why not have it at the same side? Why make people walk to the other side? As I say, there is no logic to swimming pools.

Other facilities? A jacuzzi and steam room. There was also a flume pipe sticking out of an outer wall but I couldn’t see any evidence of it in the pool itself. Where does the flume go? Don’t ask, no one will tell you!

Busy? 10 – 15 people first thing on a Thursday. I was the fastest but I was also one of the youngest. 

Recommended? Yes.

In the world of sports, we’re so fixated on going forward. We run forward, we throw forward, we score goals that are, by definition, in front of us. Even sports that seem to go backward, like the backstroke in swimming or the high jump where you fall backward over the bar, are just clever ways of propelling yourself in a forward direction. And let’s not forget the defenders in team sports who backpedal like their life depends on it.

But what if we flipped the script? What if we embraced the art of regression? I’ve concluded that the world needs a truly backward sports competition, a monumental celebration of going in the opposite direction. And so, I’ve created the Reverse Olympics, or as I like to call them to avoid a very stern letter from a certain committee in Lausanne, the SCIPMYLO Games.

At the SCIPMYLO Games, the concept is simple: everything is reversed. And I’m not talking about a subtle twist on an existing sport. I’m talking about a full-on, head-over-heels, “Are you sure this is a good idea?” kind of backward.

For our inaugural games, we’ll have a lineup of events that will challenge the very notion of what it means to be an athlete.

Forget the 100-meter dash. Our athletes will line up at the finish line, facing the starting blocks. The pistol fires, and they must sprint backward down the track. The race isn’t over when they cross the starting line; it’s over when both feet are on the blocks and their hands are on the ground, a position that’s both a nod to traditional sprinting and a fantastic opportunity for some spectacular falls. It’s a true test of balance, spatial awareness, and the ability to not trip over your own two feet.

Or what about the Under-Hurdles: Running forward is still the goal here, but the objective has changed. Instead of gracefully leaping over hurdles, our competitors must contort their bodies to go under them. Picture a line of athletes performing a chaotic, high-speed limbo. The winner is the one who can slide, duck, and roll their way to the finish line without getting stuck or, worse, running into a hurdle and creating a domino effect of human bowling pins.

Or the Backward Javelin? Now, this is a tricky one. While a good backward throw might be a sight to behold, safety is paramount. We wouldn’t want to ask anyone to catch a pointy stick flying at 90 mph. That’s a liability nightmare. So, we’ve replaced it with the Discus Return. The athlete launches the discus, and a brave (and well-padded) volunteer must then throw it back to them from the same distance. Points are awarded for a successful catch, with bonus points for a no-look catch and a medal for not needing to be escorted to the medical tent.

If the world of sports can embrace new formats like the high-energy T20 cricket or the fast-paced, digitalized indoor golf leagues, why can’t we introduce a competition that challenges the very nature of winning?

I think I’m on to a winner with the SCIPMYLO Games. Or a loser. Maybe we should even reverse the medals and award gold to the person who comes in last, recognizing that coming in dead last in the most ridiculous way possible is, in itself, a form of victory.

The possibilities are endless at the SCIPMYLO Games! All I need is a benevolent benefactor-perhaps a Gulf state with a penchant for the absurd and a spare £10 billion for the broadcasting rights. With that kind of investment, I can guarantee more people will tune in to watch the Backward Javelin than the entire World Club football championships. It’s not just a sport; it’s a spectacle of glorious failure, and who doesn’t want to watch that?

I like picking a classic band or artist and listening to all their albums in order to see how they’ve changed over the years. Earlier this year I listened to all of R.E.M’s albums and realised that they had released two albums that I had never heard a single song from. Admittedly, for one of the albums, it was for good reasons (rubbish). But for the second album, their final album in fact, it was great and a good surprise to find another decent R.E.M. album.

You have to be careful though, when picking a band. You don’t want to pick a band with too many albums. R.E.M. was okay but Tupac Shakur has ten thousand albums, even though he died only having released two. While Bob Dylan or Neil Young would take the rest of my life to listen to as they release albums and bootlegs and b-sides and live albums faster than you can listen to them.

Currently I’m listening to Radiohead. A nice, easy to manage 12 albums. And, having reached King of Limbs (album 11) I realised that I’d not listened to it since I ran the Kinross to Lossiemouth Half Marathon in 2012.

It’s not that it’s a bad album, I just had a very bad experience with it. I started listening to it on the start line and then, what felt like five hours later, I reached mile one.

Can an album slow down time? My answer is ‘yes’. Every song is so slow and languid that it felt like I was running and not moving. Time had slowed to a crawl. The ground was fresh cement. My feet could barely rise. Oh God, when will a tune start?!?!?

Since then, I must have avoided ever listening to it, even though I love Radiohead and will often listen to one of their albums. Just not this one.

After three miles I switched to Kanye West’s My Beautiful Dark Fantasy and time sped up, I sped up. I was running, finally. But, ironically, given Kanye’s recent right wing views and dodgy behaviour, I don’t think that this will be an album I will ever listen to again either.