“It’s like being washed by the gentle tears of a unicorn”.

I’m in an AirBnB near Dornoch and my wife has just had a shower in a bathroom that has a shower head the size of a computer desk.

“Is that a good thing?” I ask. 

“No,” she says, “the water has all the force of a falling feather. It feels like having a shower in a mist. Even a man lost in the desert would struggle to call what comes out of that shower “water”.

This is what happens when style trumps practical plumbing. A massive showerhead in the ceiling may look stylish, but if you don’t have the water pressure to back it up, it has all the force of a threat from the Beano’s Walter Soft.

A shower is important. In fact, to many, it is essential because, without a shower, many triathletes in training would face being dumped, divorced, sacked or social isolation from anyone with a nose. 

I don’t have a shower in the office. If I want to run in then I need to run to the office, pick up my clothes and then pop into a local gym for a quick shower. And I mean quick. The showers have a timer, and no sooner have you pressed the button to switch it on than it automatically switches itself off.  I must switch on, lather, switch on, run, switch on, lather, switch on, rub, switch on rinse, switch on, rub until done. I’m guessing the gym does this to save money on hot water but it does feel like its taking it’s timing from Flash, the fastest man alive, or Scrooge McDuck, the tightest duck alive, rather than anyone who actually uses a shower. 

“How long do you shower for?” They asked.

“2 – 3 minutes,” said the average man.

“0.1 milliseconds,” said the Flash.

“New Years Day, but only I sniff under my wing and smell B.O,” says Scrooge McDuck, “otherwise it can wait another year!”

And now I’m lucky to get even a single drop out of the shower. I don’t just ‘air dry’, I ‘air wash’. Which, to be fair to the Police Officer asked to attend the so called crime scene/shower, did look more offensive than I intended.

Last week, the showers were switched off. I went to the gym, a sign said “Please do not use the showers. Sorry, water off.”

And all I could think was “How did they know?”

I can’t remember the last time I had a bath. A shower is the athletes choice. A bath is not for water, it’s for ice. It’s for recovery, for cooling down muscles, and for storing body parts, if you also happen to be a serial killer. It’s not for washing.

Instead, I stick to showers. The more basic, the better. Hot water, decent pressure and preferably one with a door and not a shower curtain as a shower curtain is only good for two things: wrapping body parts and hiding serial killers behind.

A shower just needs to be able to wash you quickly so you can go from athlete to considerate husband/partner/wife/shared office colleague. It doesn’t need style, it just needs water, and lots of it.