Medically Certified (Andrew)

I have a big nose. My dad had a big nose. Iain TwinBikeRun has a bike nose. You could say that, wait for it, here it comes, big noses run in the family! Boom! Boom!

I thought a big nose would give me an advantage when it came to getting a throat scan last month. I had an appointment with an ENT consultant and he asked if it was okay if he could check my throat by sticking a camera down my nose. I didn’t rush to say “yes” so he tried to reassure me.

“It’s okay,” he said, “I’ve tried it on myself.”

That didn’t sound good. Or reassuring. Or within acceptable medical guidelines.

He made it worse: “I had a go when the kids were out. I thought why not see what it’s like so I just stuck it down and had a quick look at my tonsils”.

While the kids were out? Unless his kids worked as nurses or doctors, he must have done this at home. It’s not reassuring to think that your doctor is conducting self-experiments at home. And it’s really not reassuring to hear that he waited until his kids were out. If it was so are and normal, why did he wait until he was alone?!?!? Could he not have done it during the evening meal. Hello, darling. Hello, children. Don’t mind me, just like an Instagram influencer, I’m just taking a video of my meal – except I’m doing it from the inside!!!

He then undermined all his comforting words by adding “it may hurt a bit as it goes in”.

I said “I’ll be okay, I’ve got a big nose, there’s plenty of room in there”.

He didn’t;t contradict me. He didn’t say “oh, you shouldn’t say that, you’ve got a petite hooter.” he just laughed and then tried to stuff a an optical cable down my nostril.

“Damn”, he said, “it’s very narrow, it’ll be a tight squeeze so let’s try the other nostril.”

“Damn,” he said again. This nostril is also narrow.”

I was scared of what he might say next. “Oh well,” he’ll say, “if we can’t stick it in your schnoz then we’ll just need to stick it up your bum. But don’t worry. I had a go when the kids were out!”

But he didn’t say that. He didn’t offer a self assessed bum probe, he just said: “You know, medically, you have a small nose.”

And he just pushed harder. But I didn’t mind, through the pain, all I could hear was that I now have a medical opinion that I have a petite conk, a small hooter, a normal nose.

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