STAR WARS THE LAST JEDI

What a cool planet! It’s all white but, but, when the spaceships fly over it, it turns RED!

WHOOAH!

AWESOME!

But…

What this?

It’s a random soldier in a trench.

Eff off!

That’s right. Eff the Eff Off.

We’ve already got too many characters! I don’t need another one! Especially not at the end of the movie! I mean, I still don’t even know why Rose is in the film?!?!? More Patrick Swayze/Poe having supercool space adventures with his best bud, spacebro Johny Utah/Finn. Less “Miss Obligatory Character For the Chinese Film Market” please!

But, oh well, here we go. What do you have to say for yourself random rebel squaddie?

“It’s salt!” he says.

And this is the crucial bit.

“It’s salt!” he says AFTER he’s dipped his finger in the ground and licked the soil!!!!

Who does that?!?!?

Who licks soil?

I’ve never gone on holiday. Popped down to the beach at Blackpool and thought: “I wonder what the ground’s made from?”

Then scooped up the sand and tasted it like a fine wine!

“Mmmmmm, sandy with a touch of sand! This is the real Blackpool rock!”

So who goes to another planet and thinks: “This brand new world is the right place to find a condiment!”

If anything, going to a new planet is the last place you should be tasting the ground. It’s alien. It’s unlikely to contain any compound or molecule or matter that will have any connection with you. He should be dead! Or at the very least his commanding officer should be questioning the wisdom of letting this salt-licking squaddie have a gun and live ammunition.

So, basically, what I’m saying is that in a film where the best character is still a man who looks like he’s rolled around a barbers floor while covered in superglue, that was the point I had to say:”Bring back Jar Jar Binks, this is just NONSENSE!”

(Film’s pretty decent though)